I never knew what depression was until a year after I realized I had gone through it. It took me some time to come to terms with that and I still am. I felt sorry for myself cause I knew in my mind I experienced pain and emotional turmoil but never did it cross my mind that the pain I was feeling, the agony and self degrade I had all wrapped in a package inside was signs of silent depression. I didn’t talk about it. I knew and was convinced that nobody in this world would understand me cause I thought it was petty and unimportant. It was a a load of pain on pain and I didn’t know how and where to take it.
People all round experience depression in so many diverse ways that some or majority of people don’t even realize they are feeling it or experiencing.This is not from a professional point of view, its from my personal point of view. For whoever reads this if I do ever have it in me to put it out there, this is my story.
I lost my mother when I was fourteen years old. And no for those thinking that this is one of those sappy stories people write about to get sympathy and all but trust me, sympathy is the last thing I want from anyone. I was young and my worst nightmare had just hit me like a hurricane and left me and everything I was upside down. She was my world like most mothers are to their kids but I am short of even words to explain what it was that I felt when I lost my mother. I didn’t really grieve when I should have cause I had to put it off for a main exam that I was to sit for in two weeks just right before enrolling in high school .And just like that I thought I had managed it when I no longer cried or broke down just thinking about her. Three months down the line, I joined a good high school after passing my exams. Little did I know that by the time I would leave high school, I would have had a one on one encounter to my personal “hell hole”.
I was in a new environment, with new people who knew nothing about me and had no clue what turmoil I was feeling. Slowly and steadily loneliness, sadness, pent up emotions of pain and anguish and loss build up so immensely I legitimately had a heavy heart. I could feel myself breaking and pieces of me slowly detaching themselves and when it got worse, all I wanted was for death to consume me and I fell deep into the darkness. I let it consume me cause I knew around that nobody would understand even if I explained it to them. I had tried speaking to some fellow students I had met but all I got was pity and I was searching for comfort and most of all help.I was so deep in this abyss full of pain, I was resesive to any sort of happiness.
My last straw was what I would call my saving grace. I took it as a last result and if it wouldn’t work, probably wouldn’t be here today giving out my story of how depression has changed who I am and how much of an impact it creates in one’s life. I approached a teacher who was fascinated somehow with me and I took a chance to let out in the easiest way I could what I was silently going through. Then it was already over a year and a half since I joined school. She was like a God sent angel who happened to think that I was a mystery and that attraction to me is what drew me to speaking up. She became my therapist and everytime I couldn’t handle the wave of emotions I was going through, she was always there and slowly the ache in my heart easend. I had still managed to make few friends in school and act normal to everyone around me without giving out that I was on the verge of losing my mind. In specific, I made a closer friend than most cause we had a few things in common in my nearly dead social life. Her name is gonna remain anonymous but if she ever does read this, it will surely be a surprise cause she doesn’t know what the impact of our time together did go to me. She was not your average normal kind of girl, very different and her aura attracted others to her.
In my third year in school, I was still going through therapy and I was more optimistic about living than I was a few months before that. I was able to handle my emotions better than before. My friendship had grown too and I considered her one out of the few close friends, my best friend. I was optimistic that soon I would learn that grieving wasn’t meant to end over a nightfall and it depended souly on the person. At my last term of my third year, I started to feel like my friend and I were drifting cause she began fancying another girl and to be very honest I was jealous and hurt. Most of you would think it was petty and just a girl thing to want to hate competition .I believed in my mind I was better than that ,I was more mature than that. Who was a female to me enough to bring out jealousy outta me. I fought it with all my might but I guess we don’t always win battles against ourselves. My friend wanted to be there for me but her fascinations by the other female was so intense, I knew I had lost her. I was just yet to accept it.
When joining my final year, I was slowly becoming a mess but this time not out of grief but out of jealousy and hurt and betrayal. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for the one girl I had taken the time to care for even in the midst of therapy and everything I was going through. It bugged me and God did I hate that it did. I wanted nothing more than to get over her and just move on. But I guess I didn’t know the rollercoaster awaiting me. By that time we weren’t in speaking terms, I wanted nothing to do with her cause all her time was given to this other girl who I was slowly growing to feel an immense disdain for. The rollercoaster started where we were in good terms when she would pledge to be there for me and it wouldn’t go for long before she went back on her word. Being the soft hearted person I was, I couldn’t keep count of the times I gave her a chance after chance to fix up our friendship but it was futile. I hadn’t realized I had at some point forgotten all about grief and now all my thoughts were completely invested in this one girl who had completely taken over my thoughts and emotions. Everything I knew revolved around her. My actions were done in thought of whether she was there to see and whether she would pay attention to me. I felt like a lunatic, I was slowly loosing my mind and I began thinking I was hypnotised by her cause this wasn’t me. I was the composed girl who couldn’t give a shit about other females when I was trying to regain everything I had lost. I was again in that pit of self pity and self loathing :This time not scared nobody would understand but I was scared they would judge me and think am petty .
Now here I am. Nearly a year now since I finished school. I am still friends with the girl. I did some things as a mechanism to block out that pain of feeling abandoned by a best friend .When I finished school I felt more relief than I could ever think was possible. I thought my pain was over and I could leave everything behind me with all my bad highschool memories but little did I know. The dreams started kicking in, I would dream of my high school memories of my friend and her choosing someone else over our friendship and I would wake up with the same pain I felt all over again. I had forgiven her cause I still cared for her even after everything but I knew deep down I wasn’t over the pain. At the back of my head and heart I knew I was slowly falling again. I thought not talking to her for a short while would make me get over the past. The short while turned into a whole entire period of withdrawal from the world. I felt the need to push people around me away and just breathe. Everytime someone would get too close to me in whatever way I would create a space and void so I won’t have to get attached and get hurt again. The depression then dawned on me. I was in my own little pit of darkness and sometimes I fear that maybe any slight thing will draw me back there. I have known pain, sadness, anger at myself for caring too much and not feeling good enough for someone else when I knew all I was supposed to care about was what I thought about myself. I blame myself that even my own demons made it to my dreams. Today I have a withdrawal syndrome. I don’t know whether I still have depression but I repeat to myself that I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am stronger even with the few withdrawals here and there but I am getting there. A step at a time.
Someone out there may be feeling like their emotions are baseless and don’t deserve to be spoken out and they are suffering with it in silence. Please, for the sake of your psychological health and emotional growth, tell someone you trust, be it family or a friend. Speak out. Depression is real and its diverse. Don’t assume that someone doesn’t know what there feeling when they say they are experiencing a certain thing. Don’t underestimate pain, it grows to make you weaker .Depression tags along a lot. Anxiety included. I pray that for all those going through any form of depression, please seek help. Be it bullying or anything. Don’t put it off. Thank you for all those who will read this and share it to someone who needs the encouragement to speak out. ✌ Peace.