Hallo my people. 🙋.First of all my auto-correct sucks balls when I want to write hallo,it brings Halloween for some reason like Hallo is not a word😒.So if I ever say Halloween to you when it’s totally not in the context please blame my auto-correct and I mean Hallo.So I have this intense war with my inner self or my alter ego who for your information is my stronger version and makes an attempt to get out once in a while when we at least come to agreement .She and I are a bit different cause she thinks she doesn’t have to over calculate things like I do. Should I say this should I shut my trap, should I agree to this should I be blunt and a little bit of a bitch.She is always on the I should part whereas I do the weighing of what will be the consequences of my actions. You see how people can easily throw caution to the air, it’s actually a really hard thing for me to do. I over think even when I don’t want to and as sad as it sounds, I would want my alter ego to come out more 😔.
My alter ego is called Dawn and Mercy is me. They are both my names ,I just split them to the classier one for my alter ego and for the over calculative one for me. The soul reason why am telling you this is cause one of the most things I over calculate is whether speaking about dating and what kind of guy I want to date is allowed or whether it is giving out to much information. My over calculative self is already on over drive and pushing me to the delete button so I won’t have to worry about what people will think when they read this but I won’t. Is it a bad thing that I feel ready to have a partner but don’t know where to start?I don’t know if I am the only who goes through this or everyone else does too, whether they are just as apprehensive about coming out with it as I am trying not to be. Well, I don’t know on their part but for mine, I believe I shouldn’t feel like what everyone else will think should matter as much as to prohibit me from saying I am ready for a partner. Then again when I mean partner I don’t just mean random dating and quenching my lust. No, I mean I am ready for a real commitment with someone who will be mature and know the relationship we will have will not be a fling. It won’t be just a matter of sex and saying meaningless words to each other as a sense of comfort. If that’s what people are expecting for themselves, am clearly not one of them. I think am over the high school romance and taking a shot to see if it will work. I want someone who will have my back and I will have theirs, a man who will not rush to say three words which won’t mean a thing to him just cause he wants to get it on with me. I see people post on their timelines that they want this kind of men but 99.9% of them don’t purse to get them cause they probably just fell for a couple pick up lines and a cute face. That’s entirely what I don’t want. Before I wrote this I was debating whether to keep it to myself and not say this but I am looking for a man not a boy toy. Even as I write this, I think Dawn was right to do this. Wanting a partner is not a crime. I think I stopped underestimating time when I saw that you never realize how much of it you have lost until you are a step away from your casket. Wanting to play tag with your life is not gonna take you anywhere really. I not so long ago gave myself a time limit of when I want to get my first child. P.s The greatest thing I can’t wait for. Most nineteen year olds haven’t even thought about what they want after school cause yeah it’s taking a step at a time. Just make sure not to take too much time. Am not again saying skip steps, No. Just take worth while steps. Let one step be significant to the next.
So when I started, my headline was should I or should I not.Am proud to say I did. I admit that for the longest time in my years I have cared too much what everyone will think and I hide behind the notion that I am a shy individual or that my sister took the outgoing part in my family. I want to gradually change that. Probably the people I care too much of their opinions don’t really give two shits about me and I wouldn’t blame them cause I don’t probably give two shits or even one about what they do, I just care too much about their opinions of me. It has held me down for so many years and held me back from so many things. I feel sorry for myself🤧🤧.Before I do get my equal half and not my better half, I want him to be the only one who I will care enough to stop myself from doing things cause I care what he thinks. I want to be better at being me and not at being what people want me to be. So here I set a mark and start being me and doing me more than double checking what others think. I want to have love and give love. I want to shout to the world that I am happy even now that I am yet to get the right one and rest assured everyone will know when he gets here…😄.Kudos to my alter ego, you bring out the best in me .✌