Not well worth it.. Validation or not

Hello everyone 🤗.I am back like….🤔.I have nothing 🤣.I have the lamest jokes though not really cause I don’t realise when I am being stupid that it’s actually really funny cause my sister laughs. Tonight am happy.Your curious to know why I am happy.. I know your curious😏.Probably not but I will tell you either way. A very special friend tonight sent me a letter. Yes, I said letter.When was the last time you wrote one let alone received a letter and high school doesn’t count because that was just a way to pass time and gain fans from your friends. So yes, a friend who is more than I had given him credit for sent me a letter and it was very heartfelt.He is my bud and I love him,has the cutest smile ever and has a heart as large as a teddy 🐻. #yeah, teddy bears in my books have big largeass hearts and the cuddliest animals. So here I want to thank Kish. You are the best bud anyone would ask for and I am sorry I thought I needed that my friends, the majority of those “friends “filtered and thinking that I don’t have those all time cool friends. You are closer than most and I wouldn’t replace you for anything 😘.

So on Wednesday night I decided that I needed to take a break from social media to test out a personal theory of mine that I needed affirmation on. I decided to freeze a couple of my apps like Whatsapp,Instagram and Twitter. Soul reason was for me to not have to look on my feed every minute whether I had new updates and whether someone liked my tweet or instagram post.Yes, sad as it sounds I am one of those people who secretly or obliviously live on validation from people on social😔.Can I be honest with all of you, probably you are too. You may not realize it but even posting a picture on social and getting likes, comments and what nots is seeking validation.This is nothing wrong actually, not until it becomes a life line or a goal. There are times I post a picture on Instagram and get so effing frustrated that it looks soo good and I look so fly on the picture and I don’t get a hundred likes. I took those two days of it to see what effect it would have on myself and those I seek validation from and truth be told ,I didn’t loose a thing cause of it. Those I seek such validation of who I think I am didn’t change one bit. None slid in my Dm and complained of my inactive state cause let’s be honest here they didn’t give two shits about it or me. To say I feel stupid right now, doesn’t cut it for me cause when I learn some of this mistakes I make, I feel like I fail a part of myself that is smarter than that and waay more matured than that. I wish I could cut myself some slack and I advise you early for those who are probably sailing in the same sinking boat as I am, cut yourself some slack too. Posting and being trendy has nothing to do with hating yourself a little because you got a slightly lower number of likes on a post. Its not worth it and I have learnt that.

I asked my sister a while ago whether social media changes peoples faces because in Instagram, my pictures look like I probably don’t have pimples left right and center and a glance on the mirror reveals every freckle and flaw I wish I didn’t have. Her response was maybe and I have pondered over that for the past two days and I came up with an answer.Me on Instagram and me on the mirror are one and the same person. The only difference is that I set it in my mind that those who will check out the picture on IG will think I am this person who has it all beautiful and glamorous and so I look at the picture with their eyes. The freckles and pimples are usually still there ,I just rather not see them. When I look in the mirror,I have the best reality check and punch to the gut cause there I only see myself and I don’t have anyone else’s opinion to seek other than mine and that’s when I see every flaw. This goes back to all the insecurities in my life that I need to let go of cause of how much of a hindrance they pose in my life.Truth be told I won’t stop posting my favourite pictures on Instagram 🤳,I just will do it with a whole different mindset and not as a source of validation of who I am. Trust me the frustration is not worth it people. If you fall in my category,simply try out what I did even for longer days. I knew what the truth was all along, I just needed affirmation for it. And trust me, taking time of social is so refreshing and liberating. It releases you from a bondage you don’t realize you were held in. Give it a shot and try use simple means of communication like texting and calling or you can simply take a whole time off everything and do other better stuff like read a book or take walks .I never want anyone to have to feel like they are only limited to other people’s opinions of them.

This is my process of slowly learning that others opinions aren’t everything. Trust me it’s not easy when sometimes all you feel is the judging eyes from everyone and you want to cower away and this case I want to cower away like a kitten. Anyway, take this as a lesson that social is and will never be a means for validation. Am just happy am yet to get to wantingy life to look as artificial as they make it look there. It’s not well worth it and I will say it over and over again🙁.I hope this changes something for you if your affected in any way. Have a lovely weekend and feel buzzed and mellow😋😉 but don’t be too naughty.✌

Fetish and what not.

Hello lovelies.I want to first of all thank those who still take time to read this and enjoy the work of art that’s my mind. I am not an open book for many and I wouldn’t wish to be. It would mean me loosing my mojo.I try not to let out a lot cause I rethink through a lot of things in my life and they restrict me but tonight I feel like getting down and dirty and spilling my thoughts out loud.Am guessing your wondering #for those who will read that is,what am rambling about😏…..

Have I ever said I have this weird attraction to

guys who are not your average kind of man. Yes, I said man🙄.For one, I am not looking for any kind of guy. Ooh, that’s the least I am looking for. I have this weird attraction,i wouldn’t call it a sick attraction to guys who are damaged.A guy with an unspoken past, skeletons in his closet and what not. Do I know why I am attracted to them?You bet I do cause they are a mystery for me to unravel and they have one aspect which by the way is a great turn on, they have this dorminant stance and aura because they are used to having their own control of things around them. There I said it😉,I have a fetish for dominant men .There is a lot than just what meets the eye when it comes to this kind of guys .Hold on for a second 😅,before all of you who are going to grace me with your attention while reading this, don’t get me wrong and misquote me. I didn’t say I am into BDSM or fifty shades of grey kind of shit. Nope. That’s not what I mean though I would be curious to see if it’s such a turn on as they make it seem 😂😂.Forget I said that.

I can’t really go into detail on when I found out about this weird attraction but I am still progressively learning more about it. Let’s say, my interest perks up when around guys who are all round silent and those who don’t need attention from others but attract it whether they wish to or not. This is souly based on the kind of guy I would like to date. The way females have their type of guys who are simple, crazy and what not ,mine is just quiet and low key cause they have a lot more going on. Do I think I am a submissive?No,I am not a submissive but would only submit to a man worth my submission. What do I mean🤔?I mean I am not going to allow myself to be under a man’s authority if he ain’t worth having any authority. Ever just been around people who call on your inner submissive without any intentional reason but they just tend to ooze authority and dominance… Yeah, those are definitely my kind.A while back, a girl admitting her feelings to a man she likes was unheard of. Today, it’s still not that trendy but females are growing balls to approach a guy and tell them straight that they like them. I am not sure I have those “balls” pun intended. I wish I did. It’s the same in my case.For the longest time I have been contemplating over and over in my head whether saying my attraction to dominant guys is allowed or not in the eyes of others. P. S I am still trying to be more me centered than others centered.

When I think I have everything planned out in my head about what to write and I end up forgetting all together 🤦.So as I was saying, yeah my kind of men are low key but lions beneath that wool.I want a man who makes me feel beautiful and sexy even with morning breathe and nest hair. But most of all, a dorm’s first and foremost priority is his baby girl, his princess ,his woman. I love my men a little rough on the edges and with a stubble. Probably I sound like a maniac to some of you but I am just being real 😋.I have been going back and forth that I am ready to be in a relationship but what I didn’t realize was that I am not just ready for any kind of relationship. I have been doing flings for all my life, now I am looking for not just a fling but a goddamn commitment.So my truth is out in the open, I want a man who walks in and gets me off by just glancing at me.I am a strong female but we too need stronger men in our lives. Probably y’all think that this man is fantasy…It’s not😏.I have never been a patient person but for this kind of guy, I will be. Embrace your fetish if you actually have one😉.✌

I got issues 😩

Hello lovelies. So it’s a Saturday afternoon and let me tell you boredom is real and Ooh do I hate the feeling.I don’t realize how much I yearn for the weekend to get there while in the middle of school only for it to be such a bore. But for this weekend, I had plans. P.S I’am about to vent so if you feel indirectly offended, I am sorry I had to😐.So as I was saying or should I say venting, I had plans for my Saturday. Very big plans in my terms cause I was finally putting into action what I set as a resolution for the new year. Traveling more .So here I am having planned this from Wednesday to go to the National Park and I considered which friends would avail themselves for it and would want to have fun with me. My first option would obviously be my sister but she works on the weekends too so she wasn’t an option and not to mention names but the few others who I thought or pressumed would be up for it, gave me vagueass answers like they had other plans but if things changed they would be up for it. So get this straight, they gave me false hope😒.Can I be completely honest with you and myself. I hate false hope and I hate having my expectations raised and not met.That’s just me.It infuriates me so much, all I keep going through in my mind is that I need to re-filter some of my friends.But the most infuriating part is that I blame myself cause I know I am the one who gives so much power to others over myself. I say this because, I clearly can take myself to the places I choose because it’s my resolutions anyway but I choose to have people with me when I do this things which in the first place feel personal for me to achieve.And when they don’t show up, I cancel all the plans all together cause I am too much of a wuss to go on my own🤧.

To say I hate the aspect of myself that is shy is an understatement. I hate that it limits me to do countless of things and when I feel like a part of me is becoming empowered, I find a reason to cower back into the shell that is my sad life. I say sad cause I quote my sister’s words ‘that’s not living ‘ and to be very honest, I know that Is not living at all. My mother always used to say, never have your expectations so high cause in the end all you get is disappointment. From the very start I knew I wasn’t venting about others, I was venting about myself. So here lies my bored self on my bed going through all the different and better scenarios I would be in right now had I put my big pants on and just gone by myself. As much as people say for some things it’s easier and more fun to go with others or a group cause it doubles the fun, I needed to do this on my own to prove to myself that I can be more than just behind the shadows. I can peel off the anxiety and fear that surrounds me when I am in a new place with new people around me. I would assure myself that I can start but I fear that will be a white laced lie with a black bow tied to it. This wasn’t what I was even initially supposed to write about but I am glad I did cause at least I had the courage to be true to myself.I know it will probably not change anytime soon but I promise me I need to quit having clutches and walk on my feet. Have a lovely weekend and kids, don’t let your insecurities and limitations hinder you like they do me. You don’t want to live like that.😔

The Truth 😤

Hello my lovelies. Tonight am saddened and more of pissed off .Tonight I not only want to share my thoughts and feelings about this gross trend that I think has picked up but I am more of creating awareness to all my friends and everyone else who is going to read about it. So a while ago I was watching a program on television on a story based documentary about a lady called Rose Mcgowan.Probably most of you who aren’t up to date on the things that trend in the world wouldn’t know much about her story. She is a celebrity female who came out with her story where she was abused sexually by another famous man I think she worked with. I don’t have the full on detail about her story but if you are interested you can check it out on the internet.

Maybe with this next story, majority of you will know who is involved in it. Recently today, a trend that is slowly picking up is of Peter Tanui.He is accused of raping not one but several females through luring and others while taking advantage of them. So many people have come out with their stories and truths and some of those stories have brought legit tears to my eyes cause of how heartbreaking they are. The last story that some of you may have heard late last year was of a well known actor who probably the ladies who are gonna read this swoon over him. Nick Mutuma too had been accused of sexually harassing females and again not one but several times . For those who may be die hard fans of theirs and think I am making up stuff about them, you can research on the net.

What is honestly happening here is that the vulnerability of what women and young ladies are going through in silence is heart wrecking.It may not have had a direct effect on me but it’s still affects me cause it’s my gender that is going through this and in the hands of who😢?The celebrities we go die hard for and appraise so highly like they are some demigods or something. The truth of the matter is that they don’t do this obliviously ,they do this because they feel invincible to punishment and probably in their sick minds they may think they are doing us a favour by gracing us females with their sick minded bodies. The stories that have come out about not only the mentioned celebrities but so many others out in the world are proof enough to know it’s true cause of the intensity of it and the facts that are brought forward. To top it all off, the said celebrities actually don’t fight to clear their names but merely apologize and say sorry thinking that it makes up for what they have done when it actually doesn’t. Sorry doesn’t cut it when you have scar’d someone’s life mentally, physically, emotionally and in every other possible aspect of their lives. The extent of the damage this people we look up to cause doesn’t cut it to explain half the pain they cause their victims. Females as the main and majority victims are taken as fragile china dolls that can be bent easily that’s why threatening them to keep their “traps” shut is the option they take while threatening to either harm them instead. I am so damn sick of the female population being seen as weaklings in the world who can easily be taken advantage of and manipulated .What reason in this earth would a man in his right mind justify taking advantage of a woman. That woman, that girl is a mother, a daughter to someone else and the extent of your damage on her life will go to her and her family. Assholes who think it makes them better men are twisted psychopaths .Doesn’t it cross your mind that you as the rapist and sexual offender came from a woman too. It’s despicable to say the least how much loathe I feel when I know too well they ain’t worth any feeling at all apart from pity. I stand with all sexually offended and abused victims to come clean and not fear to say those vile creatures who call themselves men because they raped a woman. It’s high time we don’t stay in the shadows anymore and fight them head on with courage and not only to put them in the spotlight but to receive closure for yourselves.

Life has never felt more real like it has today when it comes to sexual assault especially to girls out there.For those in the lime light who think that since they have fans who are going to hang on your every word like love sick puppies and its gonna give you a chance to manipulate them to doing what you want, you can get over your egos and shove your sickass minds up your asses.Let us not go silent into the night and let’s speak out our truths. For those named celebrities who have done such despicable acts, it’s a shame. 😔

P. S This is my opinion and what I think doesn’t have to make you happy.

I Crave Love💓

I crave love,

You wanna know why I crave love?

It’s because I can.

It’s nerve wrecking knowing my craving is insatiable at the moment.

It’s frustrating to say the least.

Wait is a word that has never worked well with me and I don’t plan on starting now.

I crave love, simple as that.

Why is it taking so long?

Did I do something wrong that I don’t deserve love?

Am I so damaged It stands before my eyes but I can’t see.

I am I so focused on what kind of love I need I don’t realize I am loosing?

Should it hurt this fucking much?

Or I am just that socially awkward that I don’t deserve love?

Kindly believe me, I know none of that crap above is true.I crave love cause I know he craves it too.I thought that I could be invisible to my canal crave and not just my crave for love but here I am, ain’t I?Here I fucking am…. I crave love and until then,I won’t stop. 🙃

Five Facts about who I think I am. 😁

Hello my lovelies. Aki I totally stopped using Hallo after I learned that it’s actually not a word courtesy of a good friend of mine. Shout out to you Masheti. So, it’s a double update for me tonight and I am pumped about it cause I was thinking of what I actually was to write about and then I just came to the conclusion that I should write a little about myself. I am sure if I asked my friends who they think I am I would get answers, I just ain’t sure they would be correct so I thought, why not evaluate myself and see how much of myself I know cause I sometimes think I too ain’t too conversant with who I am🤔.🤗Before I even go into details of who I am ,best start of the month, I moved into a new house. To most it may not seem like a big deal but trust me it’s a big deal for me and my sister cause one we are staying together which is awesome in every way. We are already best friends so it works for us. I am grateful to have left the place I was staying at and this is souly for one reason, my roommate was a pain in the ass. Damn it feels good to say that😅.She had a lot going on and when I say a lot I mean a lot. She came on too hard for this simple girl to handle but it’s all cool now.Back to topic now, where was I? Ooh yeah, five things I think cause I am not sure I know about myself.

One, the thing I adore most in life,’La Familia’.I am not even sure that is the right way of saying family in Spanish but I had to give it a shot since its always in the back of my mind to say it and in this case write it 😆.So yeah, this is the one thing I am a hundred percent sure about. Family is my everything and when I say everything I mean it exactly like it is. For starters, family for me goes beyond blood. On the top of the chain for me is my Old man,my mother and sister. I would kill for them in a heartbeat and not feel a thing. That explains everything cause I think if I went into detail about how much they mean to me I would end up basing this post on them alone. Dad, mum and Harriet are my world, like I live to have them in my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.My mum not being there physically to me doesn’t mean she isn’t family anymore,I believe we are more connected now that she is my guardian 😇 and she is in my heart constantly. ❤My other family who I adore too so much is my baby brother,Ron.Where would I be without that Rascal. He is one guy I guess I tuned myself to protect for the rest of my life and he means the world to me.#He isn’t technically a baby but I call him baby brother cause I know I can 😂😁.I have my clique who have been my family since I wore diapers and all we knew was to eat soil and cook mud. I also love some of my extended family cause as I said, I believe family goes beyond blood and that means too blood doesn’t necessarily mean family to me.Then again, family doesn’t only mean humans. I always believe that when I lost my mom, I lost a half of my heart cause some part of me died with her but earlier last year on the Nineteenth of January, I got back a small piece of the heart I lost and it was retrieved back to me inform of my greatest treasure. My dog,T-Rex.He is now one year and fourteen days old. He is my son and I adore him more than anything else in this world. Most people don’t understand the length of what my dog means to me cause they don’t know the exent of which he restored a piece of me I didn’t know still exsists .T, is everything to me and anyone who is close to me knows,a smack on the face would be better than an insult to him cause for that,I would make your death look like an accident ☠️💀.😄Enough of my death threats. Family is who I am and I love love them to the ends of the universe and back a thousand times over.My animals at home are my family too. Melly and family 😺🐈🐐🐕🐕🐕🐔🐓.

Family has taken up more than I thought it would but trust me I have tried to shorten it.The second fact about myself is that I have a very soft spot and when I mean very I mean immense soft spot for animals especially the cute ones but all in general apart for reptiles. Snakes are vile animals in my mind and nothing is going to change that.I have this crazy connection to animals I sometimes feel weirder than normal cause It comes as an instinct for me to just show concern and care about them. Especially dogs and cats. Third fact about me, I consider myself a shy person.I wouldn’t say too shy to interact with people but I am very conscious about what I did and what it reflects.Shyness comes when I am trying new stuff especially with people around me and the like. I feel tuned to do things and going all wild and YoLo’ing isn’t my kinda thing.I over calculate things and sometimes it sucks but the caution saves me from trouble sometimes too.

Fact four about me is that I love music a lot. It soothes me just like writing does. I feel connected to it especially when the lyrics are deep an I relate. I can sing though not Beyonce’s level, just good enough for the bathroom. Music soothes the soul if I have to sound too cliché. I love food too and I ain’t saying this just cause am a big chic, no. I love food cause I can. I don’t think I eat too much but I eat just enough and a little extra to keep me happy. Though I gotta admit that when I am stressed I tend to stress eat and it’s not a good thing 😬.

Fact five and my final fact is that am such a sap for Romance and romantic novels and movies. I don’t ball my eyes out when sad parts come on air but I imagine what it would be like to have a Romeo in my life. Reading has actually increased my sappyness for romance and I am beginning to question that maybe that’s why am still single🙄🤔😆.Reading novels has broadened my mind so much that my kind of man might not sound real to most and sometimes I think I am being too much but then again, I ain’t going for anything less than what I want.

So those are just a few things I believe I know

about myself and I actually believe I am not so lost in knowing myself as I thought I was. One time in class, my lecturer asked us to write in a psychology class what we know about ourselves and to be truthfully honest I didn’t have a clue what to write so this is an achievement for me. Anyway, I love the feeling of having written and let out some of the pent up pressure from this week. Happy weekend to those who are gonna read this and ✌.

Slip Up.😥😣

Hello my lovelies. I have missed, craved even to write on my blog. I haven’t written in a whole two weeks and in my case that’s terrible cause writing for me is relaxing ,relieving but most of all and best of all therapeutic for me and I don’t like loosing grasp of why I write. I think I have had a slip up of my whole motive on writing and I am apologizing to my inner self for being carried away and forgetting that writing for me was never only about getting the reviews from people .Its souly for me to let my mind go and not have to feel constricted to speak too much and hold a lot in and am sorry to me that I forgot the bigger picture .

I have learned that I shouldn’t be reliant on what others do or not do when it concerns me. Today to say the least, I learned that the hard way but I think it’s a great kick to the butt for me. I had an eye opener of why I am souly doing this and I thought it’d be best I write this so that the next time I forget ,I have this to remind me. I write to embrace writing and speak my mind through written form and not get feedback from people or please them. This in itself is me being honest with myself and opening my eyes. So hence forth, “So Mercy don’t feel obligated to write for the world, write cause you want to get your outlet and to enjoy myself. “This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate those who read my post ,I do a lot. That’s a P.S.☝️✌