I got issues 😩

Hello lovelies. So it’s a Saturday afternoon and let me tell you boredom is real and Ooh do I hate the feeling.I don’t realize how much I yearn for the weekend to get there while in the middle of school only for it to be such a bore. But for this weekend, I had plans. P.S I’am about to vent so if you feel indirectly offended, I am sorry I had to😐.So as I was saying or should I say venting, I had plans for my Saturday. Very big plans in my terms cause I was finally putting into action what I set as a resolution for the new year. Traveling more .So here I am having planned this from Wednesday to go to the National Park and I considered which friends would avail themselves for it and would want to have fun with me. My first option would obviously be my sister but she works on the weekends too so she wasn’t an option and not to mention names but the few others who I thought or pressumed would be up for it, gave me vagueass answers like they had other plans but if things changed they would be up for it. So get this straight, they gave me false hope😒.Can I be completely honest with you and myself. I hate false hope and I hate having my expectations raised and not met.That’s just me.It infuriates me so much, all I keep going through in my mind is that I need to re-filter some of my friends.But the most infuriating part is that I blame myself cause I know I am the one who gives so much power to others over myself. I say this because, I clearly can take myself to the places I choose because it’s my resolutions anyway but I choose to have people with me when I do this things which in the first place feel personal for me to achieve.And when they don’t show up, I cancel all the plans all together cause I am too much of a wuss to go on my own🤧.

To say I hate the aspect of myself that is shy is an understatement. I hate that it limits me to do countless of things and when I feel like a part of me is becoming empowered, I find a reason to cower back into the shell that is my sad life. I say sad cause I quote my sister’s words ‘that’s not living ‘ and to be very honest, I know that Is not living at all. My mother always used to say, never have your expectations so high cause in the end all you get is disappointment. From the very start I knew I wasn’t venting about others, I was venting about myself. So here lies my bored self on my bed going through all the different and better scenarios I would be in right now had I put my big pants on and just gone by myself. As much as people say for some things it’s easier and more fun to go with others or a group cause it doubles the fun, I needed to do this on my own to prove to myself that I can be more than just behind the shadows. I can peel off the anxiety and fear that surrounds me when I am in a new place with new people around me. I would assure myself that I can start but I fear that will be a white laced lie with a black bow tied to it. This wasn’t what I was even initially supposed to write about but I am glad I did cause at least I had the courage to be true to myself.I know it will probably not change anytime soon but I promise me I need to quit having clutches and walk on my feet. Have a lovely weekend and kids, don’t let your insecurities and limitations hinder you like they do me. You don’t want to live like that.😔

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