I love when I have this episodes in my mind where my feelings are altered by a memory and it turns into an inspiration for a post and at that very moment I have the perfect words to write and when I start writing, they sorta start fading in my mind and I want to cry. Hope my inspiration for this post doesn’t fade off into the oblivion that is at the back of my mind. Sorry, where are my manners. Hello loves.Well the thought that’s led to this post is more less about pain and what lengths it takes and what its capable of turning you into. I have felt various kinds of pains in my life, all through my life actually.I am sure you have too and what’s life without pain anyway. We all have to feel it sometime in our life. Well for me, sometimes it feels like my life is a constant pain if I concentrate on all the wrong things in it. I guess pain is somehow a part of me.It eventually blended in as a constant emotion for me since losing my mother. It’s just always going to be there.
My very first blog post was probably the first time I have ever been open to talking about pain and in this case my pain but am not here to give a sap story of what kind of pain I went through. I am dwelling more on what the pain led me to doing.I think pain of whichever kind can lead one to being a totally different human being. It alters how you think, how you do things, your dynamic changes and it’s all for one thing. To ease the pain .Even in physical pain ,we take medication to ease the pain and eventually completely get rid of it right?Well in my case, It wasn’t physical pain I had to deal with. My pain was what we would call, emotional I guess. I was dealing with a loss and to top it all off I was in a jealous spree. P.s Highschool friendships will mess you up if you don’t have your mind right, they fuck you up good. I should know 🙁.Anyways,I was in pain and it sucked balls and I like a normal human being sort to deal with that pain. I know that some of the things I might have done to deal with it then won’t justify doing them because a couple of them weren’t right. I went for therapy and just so you know, seeking help when having an emotional or psychology turmoil is not weakness but strength. Therapy was good, it helped me deal with the part of my pain that was in relation to my loss but I had another pain, a pain that had a lot of jealousy in it which slowly grew to hate. Painful hate at that. For that pain, therapy wouldn’t do. I needed to not just ease that painful jealousy but I needed to inflict it on those who caused it. I turned evil if I should call it that, I am not proud of it but then I needed solace and revenge seemed to work out then.I built up my walls by hurting those who hurt me.
Pain knows it’s a gnawing feeling that feeds off your emotional wreckage and it plays your mind. In my case, I let it.I let it lead me and I went to lengths where I even created a virtual person who understood me, like an imaginary friend but she had the face of a real person I picked up from Instagram. I created a whole different set up in my mind of who she was, what she was to me and the main reason was that she would never hurt me like everyone else around me did. She understood me like no other and thinking about her distracted me from my painful jealousy. She was there when the one other person I wanted to be there for me wasn’t. She simply was her replacement and everything I expected my best friend to be, she was. Saying it now makes me think I was really losing it wasn’t I…That’s just the cherry to the cake. I inflicted pain on a lot of other people in shady ways I don’t think they will appreciate finding out about through a blog post so I think I will withdraw the information. Just know I ain’t proud of what I did .
Pain does different things to different people and it affects people in so many ways. I thought my pain from jealousy was petty and it was beyond my understanding how I would stoop so low to feel jealousy for another girl and for a girl. I didn’t think it was normal and I had bigger problems so I underestimated it and boy did it whip my ass. It turned out to be the bigger bitch than the pain I initially felt from my loss. Don’t let pain lead you.It alters your mind and messes you up. You will make bigger mistakes trying to get rid of the pain and you’ll hate yourself after, you know why? Doing what the pain leads you to doesn’t take it away nor does it easen it. Nah,that’s just a distraction .Its feeds off your mistakes.Like when you get drunk when you have a problem and slowly you turn into a shell of a person everytime you get a problem because you drink and drink and eventually you will be drinking even without a problem at hand. That’s just what pain does,feed off your mistakes and it never goes away through doing wrong. Maybe if I hadn’t tried seeking solace from someone who had no clue whatsoever that I needed her there more than anyone else at that specific place and time and that she was the one person I had deviated to from losing my mother, I wouldn’t have felt so betrayed from her not being there for me because she wasn’t at fault. She didn’t know what expectations I had. And maybe if I had told my therapist that I was going through it, we would have had a way around it. Don’t let pain define you like it did me. It defined me once and it took advantage of my instability to make rational decisions. (Whoa,i never thought I would ever admit that out to the world but I am better now or maybe not 😏).Everyone out there probably goes through different pains everyday of their lives and you want to find the quickest solution to dealing with it but we all know the easy ways aren’t always the best. I always tell those who are close to me that seeking help or therapy is so helpful. Just talking about it and expressing yourself to someone who is purposefully supposed to listen does you so much good.The pain may not go away immediately but it eventually does. So I am glad that I let you in on knowing that pain shouldn’t define. Fight hard to not give into it, you might not like who it turns you to being. ✌