Scared

This will probably be short because I don’t have as much to write about, I just have the urge I get whenever I feel the need to write. I also honestly don’t know what exactly I want to write about but I will pick from my mind what I can. Crazy how I sound like I have a protocol or systematic form of my writing. Like if I don’t meet those ‘protocols’ I have in my head, I’ll let whoever reads this down when all in all, this is my platform to express myself in whichever way without feeling obligated to anyone. Guess it will take some time to not be a do-gooder always and giving in to my need to please others other than myself.

Anyway, I am trying to gauge my feelings right now. I at some point can feel my fear and am not necessarily sure why it’s there or probably it’s just always there. Oh! I know one reason I am scared. School is over for me for a long while and that means a couple things. For one it means I no longer have a distraction for my mind and I have a lot of time on my hands : that’s not a good thing, for me it isn’t. It will mean me being idle for a while and that will allow my minds to drift to emotional and mental loneliness and eventually I will be back to struggling with myself. Second reason I believe I am scared is because my current source of happiness and tranquility which I hadn’t felt for such a while won’t be around me for close to five months and I don’t know if I’m ready to stand on my own and not have them with me. I am terribly emotionally dependant on him and he makes me happy. I am extremely scared that I won’t be strong enough without him around me. I have gladly pushed away a lot of other people and friends in my life. I am not sure I have friends at the moment and I don’t mind. I needed to be away from them, I needed to quit expecting from them as much as I was. To be quite honest, I didn’t get good energy from them, all I received was neglect when I needed them and I am okay with that. I am okay with not having them as burden on my shoulders and conscious anymore .

Third and I guess the most prominent reason for my fear is having me feel scared of my depression and anxiety taking over like it has not so long ago. I fear that I will go back to the days when leaving my bed was a struggle and all I wanted to do was sink further in and wallow in my mental pain and anguish. Relish in it to be precise because that’s how it gets for me. But I took a step and I am going to still go to therapy and it’s my hope that I won’t have to live with fear on top of my head. I won’t have to feel lonely and saddness when my anchor leaves because I will be learning how to anchor myself. I will learn to be strong and carefree.✌

P.S I am married with a donut ring that’s half bitten by my man.😄😆

Numbing my way out…

Surprise surprise!!.. I haven’t rested yet. I haven’t closed my eyes completely without waking up. At least not yet though. The pain hasn’t gone away. It’s still lurking around my brain and filling my mind with ways to give in to its naughty whispers.I don’t know if I completely feel worse but I can definitely ascertain that I ain’t feeling any better. I am trying to set it aside because on the current I have exams going on. Maybe it’s secretly a good thing that I psychologically don’t want to flunk my exams because it means my fear of the consequences of me failing means I want to go that far enough to go through this. I want to be there at that time, means I want to live long enough to survive till then. Congratulations to me 🎉🎉…i haven’t exactly lost all hope .Please don’t mind my sarcasm, i think it’s how am coping knowing I am having mental breakdowns left right and centre 😏.I am over feeling sorry for myself, I am over struggling to try and be positive. I am over just trying to be better. I know this is quitter talk but what’s left to fight for. I secretly know I should fight this for those I love but knowing I don’t even probably love myself makes it feel like a waste of time. It’s sad enough that I want to stop this by putting in place those naughty thoughts that keeping creeping up on my mind.

I keep having this thought in my head, if I happened to have the biggest fall out of my depression and for some reason it landed me in the hospital, would people care then? No think about it, I post every time I write about how fucking messed up I am and nobody has asked me about it not even once. I don’t know what they think of it or even whether they care but one thing is for certain ,If I hurt myself and landed myself in a hospital bed ,people would care then. Maybe it’s what I should do so people can quit stereotyping my depression. I think I have such a good front that I mask it so good they probably think I am handling it like a champ. Well news flash, I am a fucking wreck waiting to blow up sooner than later. I too might actually just be stereotyping my depression. Maybe for those who might probably think I am only in search of attention might not be so far from the truth. I don’t know the truth myself anymore. Maybe I might just be making a fuss over nothing whenever I feel emotionally,mentally and physically exhausted. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing when I keep thinking of buying a razor blade and despite the fear of the pain it will inflict on me physically, I might just get the little tiny bit of relief I am looking for. Maybe I am just fussing over nothing feeling like I am going batshit crazy 🙄.

I know somewhere in the back of my fucked up mind I want to get better. I don’t want to give up just yet.Call it whatever you want, seeking attention,sympathy or empathy, it doesn’t matter if I will be dead. So yeah, I do need help because I can’t fucking do this on my own anymore. Nothing feels safe enough for me at the moment, not being numb, stereotyping myself or even wanting to hurt myself. I just want to get better and go on with my life. Who would have guessed it would so much to ask? I will let you in a secret, I need to finish my exams first before I land in the hospital.When I have everyones attention and they won’t take this as lightly as they are, you can bet on it you’ll be the first to know… ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter four…..I just need to rest.

I am sure you probably forgot about the chronicles or maybe you haven’t read about it which is fine too. I for sure had somewhat forgotten .Well today was a fruitful ,tense and informative part of the day you know since the day ain’t over yet. Fruitful because I learned that when I thought my problems were already layed out there, I found out I got a whole bunch of other stuff stucked up in the closet that’s my childhood. Tense because I was not mentally and emotionally ready to have all that laid on my shoulders but I took it like ‘a man’.I guess we can’t always escape our past. Informative because I appreciate that I am no longer in the dark about myself when it comes to some aspects that affect me in my life.

Two days later….

It’s one of those days. Those days when all I can concentrate on is the constant ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away and becomes more prominent when I am alone. It’s like it can sense I am not distracted and am void at that moment and there it swallows any glimmer of happiness, joy,peace ,tranquility I was holding on to. I started writing this two days ago but stopped in the middle because I couldn’t go on. My chest or my heart felt too heavy and my body, soul and mind were at a complete burn out. It’s become a norm for me to be exhausted. It’s become a norm for me to sink deeper into this pain and agony that’s not visible to both sight and touch. All it does ,is make me tired, sad, unhappy, pained and just utterly drained. I no longer feel like all the good things in life are farfetched but I feel like they are now non existent for me. I want to give up. God it feels like its the best option right now. As long as I can quit feeling this void inside that’s streaming in on a constant ,giving up feels like my only option at the moment.

Sadly I am back to having dark thoughts. I don’t even have the energy to feel bad about having them thoughts anymore because before I wasn’t worn out like I am now. Before I had motivation to push a little farther until I got better. Now I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore.Now I don’t feel like its worth fighting, not when it seems like my life is one bad twist after the other. When I think I am making progress, I fall back down like I never stood up in the first place. Everything is going slowly and I wish my will to push myself further was present even if it’s just for a while. Now all I want to do is make it stop. Close my eyes and just let it stop. I honestly never thought depression could eat me up this hard, I thought that maybe all my life yeah I would have my low moments but I didn’t picture it to be hitting far than just rock bottom. I just need it to stop. Please let it stop. Let me stop it, for my sake. Don’t hurt when it stops for I will be at peace then. I won’t hurt anymore ,I just need to rest it and stop for a while. ✌

See it through me..Behind the wall of my Anxiety

I wasn’t with the intention to write twice in less than two hours. This I can assure you is quite a surprise, even for me. Guess I’m on a roll tonight😊. So I realized I have been talking so much on dealing with anxiety and depression that I never really explained in detail what anxiety is for me. I have previously mentioned that my anxiety more so stems from fear and worry. I was going through my feed on Pinterest which is full on loaded with anxiety topics and how to deal with it and as I was going through my feed I came across an anxiety cloud that has countless pins on what anxiety sorta makes one feel and it like literally spoke out what I have been dealing with. Most people who haven’t experienced this would probably not understand what the whole fuss is about and no wonder they give out some not so amusing (in real sense I mean shitty ) advice.At the very early stages of my depression ,I didn’t want to be around people and am still apprehensive about it. It felt like such a burden having to put up a smile & a pleasant face so I wouldn’t have to keep getting the question ‘are you okay, is something wrong ?’ I have not fully mastered the art of blanketing my emotions so sometimes I have slip ups & sadness can easily be detected even from my mood. I became so aware of everyone around me and it just fueled my physical insecurities and made me twice as subconscious than I usually was. Claustrophobia became real for me even when not in a closed place and to be honest all I wanted was to sink deeper into my bed alone in my apartment.Another one of the perks of my anxiety is something I realized I did a lot at the beginning of my high school. Stress eating.I have no problem being a plus sized female, I have slowly embraced that part of me but it doesn’t justify me eating my problems away which I do a lot more than is healthy. When my anxiety kicked in sometime while I was in school, I left after my first class and skipped the rest: Came home immediately and ate two packets of noddles. (In my case that’s a lot if you count I probably ate a packet on a daily 😬). That’s just a first in comparison to all the other times when all I do is stuff my anxiety in this case in junk form down my throat. I don’t know if I have it under control just yet but I recently touched on it to my therapist but we didn’t really get a chance to delve deeper concerning it. I definitely don’t want it to be a habit I follow through with.I am not a bossy person. I think I’m not. I am also not a complete control freak but I have a certain way I rather have things around me done. For example if I am cooking, I can’t honestly stand an untidy sink. It silently pisses me off. I sometimes easily get irritated especially when I am engrossed in an activity and something or someone distracts me. It becomes frustrating for me and I want to pluck not only the disrupters hair but mine as well 😠.There are times when I get so upset ,I feel tears welling up in my throat because I can’t control my reaction to certain things so my emotions become overwhelming. It gets harder because everyone else is not sensitive to your emotional instability and therefore they don’t treat you with any sensitivity or caution. I am not insinuating that I am any special to be treated differently, sometimes it’s nobody’s fault really how I will react. I guess my uncertainty of how people will handle me or respond to our interaction is what restricts me from engaging with people and therefore I feel safer in the comfort of my house and bed. There nobody can really hurt me. I am safe wrapped in bundles of my sheets where no snarky comments will well up tears in my eyes.I just realized that I could go on and on about what anxiety does to me and how it affects me. Currently I feel a bit more in control of my emotions than I was a while ago.I remember I once quoted that dealing with anxiety is like drowning but not dying therefore the pain is all you keep feeling but have no way to stop it. I still feel anxious now because of the uncertainty that this small shimmer of hope that I am in right now will soon turn dark and eventually dim and fizzle. I am anxious about not having anxiety and feeling like it will probably be a prank by life and when I will just be about to stand on my own, it will come like a kick to the shin. I hope that’s not the case though because I do want to get over all of this. I guess I will just have to stay hopeful and take the risk despite how scary it feels. ✌

What I have become 😳

Well, I just recently realized (half a minute ago) that all I ever dwell on when it comes to me wanting to write is what I have been going through lately. Anxiety & depression and all the sappiness that comes with my sad stories. Probably it’s not interesting for those who take time to read but as I much as I wish I had something better to blog about,anxiety is my reality. For now at least.

It’s been better for me lately. Previously not so long ago,my life felt a lot like drowning on the inside was the order of the day for me. Falling in and out of depression &anxiety was slowly and sadly becoming a norm for. I don’t want to really delve on the reasons why it’s been easier for me now because for one I am not sure whether it’s gonna last or it’s just be for a while. It’s scary when I really think about the consequences of the little glimmer of hope I am holding on to that’s preventing me from falling off the rails again. I feel like I might just be putting a little bit too much pressure on my current source of peace, happiness, tranquility & mental stability in thinking that it will last with me forever. It might just slip off my fingers. All in all ,this is a sign enough for me to know am not completely getting over anxiety because anxiety for me stems from fear. I feed so deep into my fears of the unknown that they bring out false realities and camouflage themselves as possible outcomes.

This is what I have become. I seat on the edge of my emotions simple waiting for whatever bubble buster that’s going to pop the small reason of sanity I have been holding on to. I may not necessarily be dealing with the anxiety in the same intensity I was previously but I can’t help but admit it still lurks in the shadows of my mind. On a daily I learn something new about anxiety that I probably portrayed but was oblivious to.Its all sometimes overwhelming thinking about it. I could spend all my time racking my brain on what anxiety is doing to me and come up with all possible reasons why I will never seem to get rid of it. It’s no longer just about letting the world know that this actually happens to people but it’s about letting people know sometimes I just don’t know anymore. For instance now I have in some form alienated myself from my friends and even those closest to me have not an absolute clue of probably why I am not talking to them. I too don’t know why I am not talking to them cause probably I feel like even when it’s comes to the general stuff, they won’t understand me so I find no need to converse with them. But then again, I do want them to be there for me, understanding or not. That entire controversy of not really knowing what it is I want is what I have become.

There is also a good side to the multiple perks of what I have become. I have found new sources of happiness that even for those small moments I am able to do them, I am distracted in a good way. I am able to engage myself in acts that bring me joy. Knitting is for one. It first came as a thought to me when I was dealing with baby fever and I thought why not start knitting baby clothes for my soon to be little one.I didn’t have a clue on where to start but YouTube came in handy and so when I started dealing with depression, I chose to engross myself fully in it. Then again, I have been very interested in cooking more. I wasn’t the greatest fan of it before but now I keep looking up recipes on Pinterest that are cheap and easy to cook. So I still have something despite how little it is to be grateful for. My hope is that I can delve more on the more positive perks than on the negative and become better at them. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter three 😊

I guess I was extremely used to sulking and my writing sorta felt the same too for a while now. Today is different. My emotions feel more pleasant and if I am not mistaken, I feel happy. It’s scary saying it, saying that I am happy because I feel like I might just jinx it. But yeah, I feel good inside. Curious to know why 🤔😏?

I don’t really know why I am more cheerful and pleasant. Or maybe I do but my fear that it’s just all a matter of time that it will be a mere memory and it will be gone. I am happy because I cared enough to forgive and it was worth it, I’m hoping it was worth it. I feel at peace and am cherishing it. He makes me smile and laugh, something I hadn’t done in a while. He hurt me too, but he brought back my peace. I am scared he will as easily break me just as he put me back in place. I guess its all a matter of taking the risk. I definitely am, putting my heart on the line.

I hope it last. I don’t know nor am I sure how long my happiness will go on but I wanna make it worth my while. I hope the fragility that I have slowly been put back in half will hold on long enough to become strong. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions.. chapter two

So I am beginning to counter check everything in my head from my thoughts, to how I write and whether it’s good enough or catchy enough for those who read, that’s if anyone reads anymore because I no longer think they do which in all honesty makes me sad. My emotions are centered on how I wish I could be this perfect writer and how I want to be more expressive through my post and let the world know in depth how much it is I am going through dealing with depression and anxiety. I don’t know if it’s normal to want that from others because it feels a lot like I am becoming needy of something I am not obligated to get. I feel quite the need to have their empathy, understanding and support that I am not in this case receiving from anyone other than my therapist. My need to have assurance that I’m not alone and despite them not fully grasping what it is I am going through, they at least will be caring enough to wanna stick around and ‘hold my hand ‘ through it you know… Guess I am looking for the right people in the wrong crowd.

Or maybe it’s just my codependency issues kicking in that’s giving me all this neediness.(This is exactly what I mean when I say have to counter check all my possible options of everything I do).Maybe I am not just be looking for that understanding friend, I am looking for a clutch, an anchor to grasp when I am falling off the rails that is currently my emotional state of mind. Is it such a bad thing that the latter might actually just be what it is I am looking for and that’s whats making me so damn needy for attention . Attention is exactly what it is in bold and clear words. Attention, sympathy, care, concern, affection, worry, name it in whatever words you would like. That’s exactly what it is I feel the need to have from those around me at that moment.

I just read a fellow writer’s posts on Word press and her writings are about mental health and her experiences of how they affect her on a daily basis. Her writing is on another level to be truly honest. She has a precision and bold truthfulness that is just mesmerizing to read in her post. Her expression of what she goes through is literally so raw and honest in such a beautiful way, it just oozes jealousy from me, the good kind. The kind that makes me wish I could write like that and be so raw in an epic way like that.She is on the current my favourite writer on Word Press @Seedsinthewasteland.

I am truly learning a lot from her post. It’s making me conscious of all the other possible things that I assume are habits of normal nature but may be as a result of my anxiety and depression.Like fiddling with my hands, pulling off any trace of dead skin on the ridges of my fingers..yadda yadda yadda.. If so, I don’t know whether to be more worried about the fact that I may have more than just emotional consequences to my anxiety but now I also gotta deal with unconscious physical consequences. Well, who knows. I want to solve all my problems at one go but I guess that’s where I keep failing.

Now I feel relieved for writing that post and it’s lunch time for me. Lunch time is like a compulsory dose of medicine I can’t skip.(..okay I just made that up). I hope for today I don’t have another rollercoaster of emotions that will lead me to make another post because I already feel like a pile of shit with what I am dealing with so if you (depression) really need to sulk me further today, do it to cater enough for tomorrow so I won’t have to keep splitting my post to ease you off of me all the damn time,there is only so much of you that I can take. ✌

Chronicles of my Emotions… Chapter one gallo🙁

I am in a lot of doubt of whether I will be able to complete this post but I will try. Welcome to the Chronicles of my emotions and I guess you could say this is chapter one. My inability to complete this post will likely be because I will tap so deep into my depression and I will have to feel it all through writing to be able to release the thoughts of my emotions as raw as they are to me.

My most dominant emotion is in sorta of a fix. Frustration is one of them… and anger, hurt and pain and vulnerability too add it up. Frustration because I just came to terms that I am not be making progress as I thought in being emotionally stable as I thought I was. Oh,I remember, I mentioned that before because I haven’t been stable for quite a while now. I guess sarcasm is one way to lighten up however fucked up I probably feel.

I just buried my grandma today. Let’s say I am not good with handling loss of loved ones very well anymore. I haven’t acknowledged that she is no longer with us and that I will probably never see her again. That’s where my emotion of pain comes in, I am hurt because I can’t change the unchangeable. I am well aversed with denial right now because that’s exactly it for me. Denial.When I get to acceptance, I will give it a good cry. I need to let it out in torrents,i just wish it would happen sooner than later. I still got a lot to write about but for now I am just tired, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Be thankful for when you are healthy and happy. It doesn’t always come easy for everyone else. ✌

..Wounded Healer

Well here goes nothing… Been a while since I wrote. Been a while since I did a lot of things. I’ve had a really hard and hectic couple of weeks and men has it been messed up 😧. Every time I intended to write I would have an anxiety attack and couldn’t bring myself to face that I was in a black 🕳. I don’t really even know where I would start if I decided to explain what I have been dealing with. The perks are that depression and anxiety are real and they push you to lengths that you are incapable of thinking straight.You don’t have the normalcy you hold every other day of your life. Happiness, joy, tranquility and stability tend to be extremely farfetched in those moments and sometimes you drown in all that but don’t necessarily die so it’s continuous. You wish to talk to someone, just one person to understand you and wish to help you pick up your pieces because at that very moment you’re crumbled to bits of who you were before. You want that person to listen and tell you not just once that things will get better but to walk you through getting there because then your like a baby learning how to walk all over again.

I had emotional breakdowns whenever I was alone because all I wanted was to sink farther in my bed and just drown in the sorrow I was feeling. There are moments when I would feel okay but whenever a memory of pain or sorry would sneak it’s way in, It would be like a snap of a finger and I would turn into a shell of person. Depression got me screaming on the inside but was too exhausted to bother about it on the outside.It got me presumably to start having thoughts of self harm 😔. That was my ‘hit rock bottom moment ‘.I knew then that I needed to talk to someone else about it and preferably a therapist. Best choice I had made in a while.

In my luck, those thoughts of harming myself only went as far as thoughts and it’s thanks to my sister. She has been my greatest anchor, only she knew what went on behind our closed doors. My therapist was finally the shimmer of light I was looking for, she became more than just my therapist but my friend who understood and she has a special place in my nearly destroyed heart. She pointed me in the direction that I could get better and she took my hand and walked with me. She makes me see that I can be happy with myself and with my insecurities too. She reminds me everyday that life is a step at a time,I probably knew that, I was just taking life in fifty steps instead. My friend as I like to call her is the other clutch I was looking for and I am happy I found her.

I am still going to therapy every once a week and it’s opened my mind to a whole lot about my life and how to deal with the things I go through. My therapist/friend has taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and I am learning that for me knitting is one of them too. I haven’t thought about hurting myself for a week now and that to me is progress I never thought I would make. So I am grateful. Mental health is not something that should be downplayed like it is by so many people. Going through anxiety should not be a normal for anyone and neither should depression. I still have those moments where it’s hard to pick myself up but I am grateful for my family and my therapist because I am able to be motivated to pick myself up for me and for those I love. I am a wounded healer.

p.s If you got anything at all you may be going through, don’t hesitate to text me if you want to have that friend I never had and kept looking for. I’m always open to help someone else from dealing with mental health issues. Please don’t downplay it and assume it thinking it will go away. It will always hover like a dark cloud in your mind and when your most weak, it will creep back like it never left. ✌..And a beautiful picture of me 😁.