So I am beginning to counter check everything in my head from my thoughts, to how I write and whether it’s good enough or catchy enough for those who read, that’s if anyone reads anymore because I no longer think they do which in all honesty makes me sad. My emotions are centered on how I wish I could be this perfect writer and how I want to be more expressive through my post and let the world know in depth how much it is I am going through dealing with depression and anxiety. I don’t know if it’s normal to want that from others because it feels a lot like I am becoming needy of something I am not obligated to get. I feel quite the need to have their empathy, understanding and support that I am not in this case receiving from anyone other than my therapist. My need to have assurance that I’m not alone and despite them not fully grasping what it is I am going through, they at least will be caring enough to wanna stick around and ‘hold my hand ‘ through it you know… Guess I am looking for the right people in the wrong crowd.
Or maybe it’s just my codependency issues kicking in that’s giving me all this neediness.(This is exactly what I mean when I say have to counter check all my possible options of everything I do).Maybe I am not just be looking for that understanding friend, I am looking for a clutch, an anchor to grasp when I am falling off the rails that is currently my emotional state of mind. Is it such a bad thing that the latter might actually just be what it is I am looking for and that’s whats making me so damn needy for attention . Attention is exactly what it is in bold and clear words. Attention, sympathy, care, concern, affection, worry, name it in whatever words you would like. That’s exactly what it is I feel the need to have from those around me at that moment.
I just read a fellow writer’s posts on Word press and her writings are about mental health and her experiences of how they affect her on a daily basis. Her writing is on another level to be truly honest. She has a precision and bold truthfulness that is just mesmerizing to read in her post. Her expression of what she goes through is literally so raw and honest in such a beautiful way, it just oozes jealousy from me, the good kind. The kind that makes me wish I could write like that and be so raw in an epic way like that.She is on the current my favourite writer on Word Press @Seedsinthewasteland.
I am truly learning a lot from her post. It’s making me conscious of all the other possible things that I assume are habits of normal nature but may be as a result of my anxiety and depression.Like fiddling with my hands, pulling off any trace of dead skin on the ridges of my fingers..yadda yadda yadda.. If so, I don’t know whether to be more worried about the fact that I may have more than just emotional consequences to my anxiety but now I also gotta deal with unconscious physical consequences. Well, who knows. I want to solve all my problems at one go but I guess that’s where I keep failing.
Now I feel relieved for writing that post and it’s lunch time for me. Lunch time is like a compulsory dose of medicine I can’t skip.(..okay I just made that up). I hope for today I don’t have another rollercoaster of emotions that will lead me to make another post because I already feel like a pile of shit with what I am dealing with so if you (depression) really need to sulk me further today, do it to cater enough for tomorrow so I won’t have to keep splitting my post to ease you off of me all the damn time,there is only so much of you that I can take. ✌