See it through me..Behind the wall of my Anxiety

I wasn’t with the intention to write twice in less than two hours. This I can assure you is quite a surprise, even for me. Guess I’m on a roll tonight😊. So I realized I have been talking so much on dealing with anxiety and depression that I never really explained in detail what anxiety is for me. I have previously mentioned that my anxiety more so stems from fear and worry. I was going through my feed on Pinterest which is full on loaded with anxiety topics and how to deal with it and as I was going through my feed I came across an anxiety cloud that has countless pins on what anxiety sorta makes one feel and it like literally spoke out what I have been dealing with. Most people who haven’t experienced this would probably not understand what the whole fuss is about and no wonder they give out some not so amusing (in real sense I mean shitty ) advice.At the very early stages of my depression ,I didn’t want to be around people and am still apprehensive about it. It felt like such a burden having to put up a smile & a pleasant face so I wouldn’t have to keep getting the question ‘are you okay, is something wrong ?’ I have not fully mastered the art of blanketing my emotions so sometimes I have slip ups & sadness can easily be detected even from my mood. I became so aware of everyone around me and it just fueled my physical insecurities and made me twice as subconscious than I usually was. Claustrophobia became real for me even when not in a closed place and to be honest all I wanted was to sink deeper into my bed alone in my apartment.Another one of the perks of my anxiety is something I realized I did a lot at the beginning of my high school. Stress eating.I have no problem being a plus sized female, I have slowly embraced that part of me but it doesn’t justify me eating my problems away which I do a lot more than is healthy. When my anxiety kicked in sometime while I was in school, I left after my first class and skipped the rest: Came home immediately and ate two packets of noddles. (In my case that’s a lot if you count I probably ate a packet on a daily 😬). That’s just a first in comparison to all the other times when all I do is stuff my anxiety in this case in junk form down my throat. I don’t know if I have it under control just yet but I recently touched on it to my therapist but we didn’t really get a chance to delve deeper concerning it. I definitely don’t want it to be a habit I follow through with.I am not a bossy person. I think I’m not. I am also not a complete control freak but I have a certain way I rather have things around me done. For example if I am cooking, I can’t honestly stand an untidy sink. It silently pisses me off. I sometimes easily get irritated especially when I am engrossed in an activity and something or someone distracts me. It becomes frustrating for me and I want to pluck not only the disrupters hair but mine as well 😠.There are times when I get so upset ,I feel tears welling up in my throat because I can’t control my reaction to certain things so my emotions become overwhelming. It gets harder because everyone else is not sensitive to your emotional instability and therefore they don’t treat you with any sensitivity or caution. I am not insinuating that I am any special to be treated differently, sometimes it’s nobody’s fault really how I will react. I guess my uncertainty of how people will handle me or respond to our interaction is what restricts me from engaging with people and therefore I feel safer in the comfort of my house and bed. There nobody can really hurt me. I am safe wrapped in bundles of my sheets where no snarky comments will well up tears in my eyes.I just realized that I could go on and on about what anxiety does to me and how it affects me. Currently I feel a bit more in control of my emotions than I was a while ago.I remember I once quoted that dealing with anxiety is like drowning but not dying therefore the pain is all you keep feeling but have no way to stop it. I still feel anxious now because of the uncertainty that this small shimmer of hope that I am in right now will soon turn dark and eventually dim and fizzle. I am anxious about not having anxiety and feeling like it will probably be a prank by life and when I will just be about to stand on my own, it will come like a kick to the shin. I hope that’s not the case though because I do want to get over all of this. I guess I will just have to stay hopeful and take the risk despite how scary it feels. ✌

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