Well, I just recently realized (half a minute ago) that all I ever dwell on when it comes to me wanting to write is what I have been going through lately. Anxiety & depression and all the sappiness that comes with my sad stories. Probably it’s not interesting for those who take time to read but as I much as I wish I had something better to blog about,anxiety is my reality. For now at least.
It’s been better for me lately. Previously not so long ago,my life felt a lot like drowning on the inside was the order of the day for me. Falling in and out of depression &anxiety was slowly and sadly becoming a norm for. I don’t want to really delve on the reasons why it’s been easier for me now because for one I am not sure whether it’s gonna last or it’s just be for a while. It’s scary when I really think about the consequences of the little glimmer of hope I am holding on to that’s preventing me from falling off the rails again. I feel like I might just be putting a little bit too much pressure on my current source of peace, happiness, tranquility & mental stability in thinking that it will last with me forever. It might just slip off my fingers. All in all ,this is a sign enough for me to know am not completely getting over anxiety because anxiety for me stems from fear. I feed so deep into my fears of the unknown that they bring out false realities and camouflage themselves as possible outcomes.
This is what I have become. I seat on the edge of my emotions simple waiting for whatever bubble buster that’s going to pop the small reason of sanity I have been holding on to. I may not necessarily be dealing with the anxiety in the same intensity I was previously but I can’t help but admit it still lurks in the shadows of my mind. On a daily I learn something new about anxiety that I probably portrayed but was oblivious to.Its all sometimes overwhelming thinking about it. I could spend all my time racking my brain on what anxiety is doing to me and come up with all possible reasons why I will never seem to get rid of it. It’s no longer just about letting the world know that this actually happens to people but it’s about letting people know sometimes I just don’t know anymore. For instance now I have in some form alienated myself from my friends and even those closest to me have not an absolute clue of probably why I am not talking to them. I too don’t know why I am not talking to them cause probably I feel like even when it’s comes to the general stuff, they won’t understand me so I find no need to converse with them. But then again, I do want them to be there for me, understanding or not. That entire controversy of not really knowing what it is I want is what I have become.
There is also a good side to the multiple perks of what I have become. I have found new sources of happiness that even for those small moments I am able to do them, I am distracted in a good way. I am able to engage myself in acts that bring me joy. Knitting is for one. It first came as a thought to me when I was dealing with baby fever and I thought why not start knitting baby clothes for my soon to be little one.I didn’t have a clue on where to start but YouTube came in handy and so when I started dealing with depression, I chose to engross myself fully in it. Then again, I have been very interested in cooking more. I wasn’t the greatest fan of it before but now I keep looking up recipes on Pinterest that are cheap and easy to cook. So I still have something despite how little it is to be grateful for. My hope is that I can delve more on the more positive perks than on the negative and become better at them. ✌