I am sure you probably forgot about the chronicles or maybe you haven’t read about it which is fine too. I for sure had somewhat forgotten .Well today was a fruitful ,tense and informative part of the day you know since the day ain’t over yet. Fruitful because I learned that when I thought my problems were already layed out there, I found out I got a whole bunch of other stuff stucked up in the closet that’s my childhood. Tense because I was not mentally and emotionally ready to have all that laid on my shoulders but I took it like ‘a man’.I guess we can’t always escape our past. Informative because I appreciate that I am no longer in the dark about myself when it comes to some aspects that affect me in my life.
Two days later….
It’s one of those days. Those days when all I can concentrate on is the constant ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away and becomes more prominent when I am alone. It’s like it can sense I am not distracted and am void at that moment and there it swallows any glimmer of happiness, joy,peace ,tranquility I was holding on to. I started writing this two days ago but stopped in the middle because I couldn’t go on. My chest or my heart felt too heavy and my body, soul and mind were at a complete burn out. It’s become a norm for me to be exhausted. It’s become a norm for me to sink deeper into this pain and agony that’s not visible to both sight and touch. All it does ,is make me tired, sad, unhappy, pained and just utterly drained. I no longer feel like all the good things in life are farfetched but I feel like they are now non existent for me. I want to give up. God it feels like its the best option right now. As long as I can quit feeling this void inside that’s streaming in on a constant ,giving up feels like my only option at the moment.
Sadly I am back to having dark thoughts. I don’t even have the energy to feel bad about having them thoughts anymore because before I wasn’t worn out like I am now. Before I had motivation to push a little farther until I got better. Now I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore.Now I don’t feel like its worth fighting, not when it seems like my life is one bad twist after the other. When I think I am making progress, I fall back down like I never stood up in the first place. Everything is going slowly and I wish my will to push myself further was present even if it’s just for a while. Now all I want to do is make it stop. Close my eyes and just let it stop. I honestly never thought depression could eat me up this hard, I thought that maybe all my life yeah I would have my low moments but I didn’t picture it to be hitting far than just rock bottom. I just need it to stop. Please let it stop. Let me stop it, for my sake. Don’t hurt when it stops for I will be at peace then. I won’t hurt anymore ,I just need to rest it and stop for a while. ✌