This will probably be short because I don’t have as much to write about, I just have the urge I get whenever I feel the need to write. I also honestly don’t know what exactly I want to write about but I will pick from my mind what I can. Crazy how I sound like I have a protocol or systematic form of my writing. Like if I don’t meet those ‘protocols’ I have in my head, I’ll let whoever reads this down when all in all, this is my platform to express myself in whichever way without feeling obligated to anyone. Guess it will take some time to not be a do-gooder always and giving in to my need to please others other than myself.
Anyway, I am trying to gauge my feelings right now. I at some point can feel my fear and am not necessarily sure why it’s there or probably it’s just always there. Oh! I know one reason I am scared. School is over for me for a long while and that means a couple things. For one it means I no longer have a distraction for my mind and I have a lot of time on my hands : that’s not a good thing, for me it isn’t. It will mean me being idle for a while and that will allow my minds to drift to emotional and mental loneliness and eventually I will be back to struggling with myself. Second reason I believe I am scared is because my current source of happiness and tranquility which I hadn’t felt for such a while won’t be around me for close to five months and I don’t know if I’m ready to stand on my own and not have them with me. I am terribly emotionally dependant on him and he makes me happy. I am extremely scared that I won’t be strong enough without him around me. I have gladly pushed away a lot of other people and friends in my life. I am not sure I have friends at the moment and I don’t mind. I needed to be away from them, I needed to quit expecting from them as much as I was. To be quite honest, I didn’t get good energy from them, all I received was neglect when I needed them and I am okay with that. I am okay with not having them as burden on my shoulders and conscious anymore .
Third and I guess the most prominent reason for my fear is having me feel scared of my depression and anxiety taking over like it has not so long ago. I fear that I will go back to the days when leaving my bed was a struggle and all I wanted to do was sink further in and wallow in my mental pain and anguish. Relish in it to be precise because that’s how it gets for me. But I took a step and I am going to still go to therapy and it’s my hope that I won’t have to live with fear on top of my head. I won’t have to feel lonely and saddness when my anchor leaves because I will be learning how to anchor myself. I will learn to be strong and carefree.✌
P.S I am married with a donut ring that’s half bitten by my man.😄😆