Here comes the Two O.

Hello hello! Wondering why I am so chirpy? Trust me, I am still wondering the same too. Well, I just made a discovery about myself on the recent. I haven’t actually felt like utter complete shit for the past two days or to be precise, one and half days counting that the day isn’t over yet. Its probably not such a big deal but either way, I will jot all about it because somehow it is important for me. When you are incapable of feeling normal and you are just plain old sad and unhappy, when you get the chance to even feel the slightest bit of normalcy and okay~ness (not sure If that’s even a word but you get what I mean),you appreciate it, no matter the period of time you have felt it.

I have a few things in mind as to why I am probably normal at the moment. One, I have been preoccupied with movies. I actually didn’t think it would work when I started watching all day but it actually keeps me company. Majority reason that causes me to sulk is loneliness and fear. I easily just sink back to the unhappy funk that eventually turns into depression. Watching movies actually just keeps me busy and it distracts me from taking into account my feelings. Just incase any of you are wondering, I am currently watching The crossing ,bold type and The handmaids tale. They are all pretty cool and interesting.

Second and probably most prominent reason is because my birthday is coming up and when I mean coming up, I mean tomorrow. My birthday is a special day for me because it’s the one day when I feel deservant of happiness. It’s the day when I prettie much feel like I should have the world on my hands and gladly receive gifts left right and rear 😆. Earlier this year, I had this whole perfect plan in my head of how I wanted my birthday to be like and it was grand, that I can assure you but just like always life has a way to put my fires 🙄 especially the good ones. I had everything entirely planned out where my sister and I would have a nice family and close friends gathering with two delicious looking cakes and a nice dinner with this bigass balloons that showed our ages. Things looked easier then because August seemed so far away and I thought by then I would have everything set in place. But here I am now, a day to my birthday without a single idea how the day will turn out because there is nothing that’s planned. My sister had earlier put it out there how sad it was that we would have to buy our own cake and I guess it was her own way to coarse people into buying us a birthday cake. Well, just know that didn’t go as planned. Now we will be buying our own cake and eating it on our own, alone. I know my initial plans of how I wanted my birthday to turn out didn’t go as planned but doesn’t mean my excitement to turn an age older should be lesser. Nothing special or grand might happen tomorrow but I still appreciate growing and seeing a new age. I am turning the big two O so I can cut myself some slack even if it’s just for a day.

So tomorrow I still don’t mind a surprise, though the thought is probably farfetched right now but anyway. I will put a smile on my face and probably just spend my time in the house watching bold type and then later in the evening eat cake and be happy to be twenty. I hope I don’t drown back into sulking after my birthday is over just because I won’t be expecting a special thing afterwards. I want to eventually get to my happy place with or without a special occasion or anticipation. I know its not gonna be easy but I want to make twenty my worth while. ✌

P. S I escaped teen pregnancy. I should totally get a present for that from the universe. A baby is accepted as a gift. 😊

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