I have realized something about myself recently that’s been constantly in my head and I don’t have an actual understanding of whether it’s normal for it to happen as it is to me. I don’t exactly know what I feel anymore concerning a lot of things. Let me rephrase that, I don’t know anymore when it concerns my depression and whether it’s still there or not. Am not exactly your happy champ nor am I sulking in a pool of wallow. I feel a lot more of numbness and i am not sure whether to be worried about it. I know that my depression is still lurking in my mind and it’s toying with my emotions every once in a while. I know for sure it’s there because it’s a constant thought in my mind. I am not exactly phased by the fact that I am slowly growing numb to my emotions and I am not breaking down but instead am just not reacting as I was earlier. Now it feels like am a bystander who just watches their life loose meaning to them and not have the simple life pleasures I wish I could like happiness and joy. But what scares me the most to top it all of, I don’t mind the numbness.
I have also very recently become a cynical person. I like the damage and the aura of pain that’s around me. Not sure what that exactly makes me but I sure do know it’s not a good thing. I am no longer scared of writhing in emotional pain and psychological turmoil. I feel like I am holding on it for some reason. Maybe it’s because it’s the only thing that’s mine and that’s not trying to leave me or abandon me. As crazy as this may sound, I appreciate having something that’s mine and that is not exactly being with me forcefully. It actually seems like it likes sticking around.This is what makes me such a sinister human being and I know it doesn’t portray a good image. If I were to make a headline it would probably sound something along this lines ‘Depressed Mercy holds on to pain despite it breaking her and news flash, she doesn’t mind as much ‘...I will probably receive a lot of judgement from those who will read this because they probably don’t understand why I would not fight to loose my depression and heal.They just don’t understand that healing will mean normalcy, it will mean me loosing what at the moment makes me feel special and wanted. When you have had your fair share of looses, you’d understand why I am holding on to the one thing that’s not looking for a reason to leave me. I am full of shit and now to add icing to the ‘cake’ that’s my messed up mind, all I feel for myself is self pity. I am so full of it it’s ozing off me in torrents. I feel so sorry for myself for the life I am living, for the poor excuse of a person I have become and for the fact that I can’t be good enough to keep someone long enough to love me. Sad isn’t it, that this is what I have been reduced to. Not feeling anything other than self pity. Well I guess when I decided to take it a day at a time, I didn’t exactly realize my life would slowly be turning into a joke right before my eyes. ✌