Hey, it’s been a while. I didn’t mean for it to be so long since I wrote ,but well.. Life happens. I am uncertain about what exactly I wanna write about and whether I will have a fin for it. Nothing much has happened and I guess that’s the problem. It’s the problem because when I am idle, my mind turns into a play field for my demons.They have laid low for a while now, they know best to come out and play at night. It gets overwhelming but what can I do, I can’t fight.On some nights, they pull an all nighter on me and all I can do is sit through the torment of wanting to hurt myself and feel how raw pain can get.I don’t know what to do about it and whether I have a shot of not completely self destructing. But the scariest part & probably the most twisted is that I may not want to get rid of them. I have this yearning inside to feel pain, the kind of pain that’s heartwretching. They scream in my mind so loud sometimes and they shout how much I deserve and need this pain. They are like a mermaid’s siren, they sound so enticing yet so dark. I am enthralled by my pain and I don’t know whether to be scared of it or to embrace it.It’s lonely inside. My mind. It’s like a dark void sometimes that doesn’t have life in it. It’s no longer numb, now I seem to crave the pain and self inflicted turmoil going on inside. Maybe it’s because it’s all I have that’s actually mine. Though it seeks a companion. It seeks someone to wrap itself around and envelope. It’s seeks someone to share itself with and probably discuss on how to slowly turn me into a loon over a cup of ‘coffee ‘.It twistedly seeks love but not any kind of love. It seeks a damaged soul just like mine. My demons won’t settle for normal. They yearn for someone dark minded and one who feels just as much as I do. A love so deep yet so deranged. The kind that’s so intoxicating yet too intimate. The kind thats obsessive over each other because they not only relate: they intertwine like a gush of air to dry lungs. It seeks a demon of its own kind. And I hope he is out there, I hope he feels as twisted as I do inside and that my demons are loud enough to call his just so I can finally have someone who understands me without trying to judge or change me because he will know how much comfort pain can give when it’s the only thing you have.Nothing anymore offers me comfort. Nothing anymore is a safe haven for me. Not even my therapist. Nobody understands and am not saying this to sate any cliché messed up life statements people throw around. I say it because it’s what it is. Its exhausting having to explain every darn time so I choose to keep it. Not even my closest partner or roommate sees it. That’s how good i’ve gotten at concealing the darkness that’s inside my mind. It lurks within the walls of my head, careful not to peek beyond it’s boundaries. I no longer have control of my thoughts and all am allowed to feel and draw in is pain and numbness. It’s no longer when I tried or thought I tried fighting it, now, I just wait on it. I won’t tell you what to think of me when any of you will read this. Its no longer my will to keep trying to explain. I have embraced it and maybe if am lucky enough, it will leave on its own and I won’t have to be dragged down to the depths of my self created hell. ✌P.s Don’t be blinded by my smiles on my photos, nobody said anything about demons not being smilers.