Let me just start by saying am not exactly sure whether that title even makes sense but what the heck! It stays. Its been a while though not too long. I just realized that I probably have been the biggest bore for quite a while now with my depressing talk and never ending rants .I want to change that because I can proudly say I have been doing so much better now. I haven’t felt like a piece of shit in a while and for that am glad. Maybe it’s cause I have been preoccupied with trying to help others deal with their problems (am a counseling psychologist intern for those who might not be aware) that I forgot mine all together which is a good thing, right 🤔? Anyway, my depressive funk taking a break from me deserves a🥂and I did have one not so long ago. I say taking a break because it never completely leaves but enough of me trying to coax it back with my negative talk. Oh yeah, I recently had my second alcohol like ever. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but I am not a drinker, never gotten my head around why people take bitter drinks when there is soda and fruit punches that are a lot sweeter. Though recently, I seem to have gotten a bit curious on drinking and so I have had this urge to have a drinking spree where I get to have the whole drinking and getting hammered experience and waking up with a splitting headache. I know, pretty dumb but who the hell cares, we are living young, dum and free right 😅?(I think that’s the way that statement goes ,not sure😕?)
I never thought turning twenty would come with changes of any kind that would affect me but surprisingly, I feel completely different. I mean different in terms of the way I view things and certain aspects of myself. My physical aspects have been altered in terms of I feel fuller. I don’t know if its because I am a sexually active female or it’s probably just in my head. Though I like it. I am now more conscious of how fuller my breast feel, how my thighs fit my jeans better and how big my ass feels. I feel more aware of this factors about myself because before I would rather not have noticed them. Being the shy insecure female I am, I preferably never wore anything that would physically draw attention to me or my appendages. Now, I feel a bit riskier. Not that I want to flaunt my goods to everyone, I still rather not have attention drawn to me but I don’t mind if it’s the right attention. Previously any attention was unacceptable for me. I still am trying to get out of my shell when it comes to fully embracing my body but I like that this is a step am taking. It’s more private when I show I am aware of my body than in public but hopefully I can keep it up without cowering back to my shell of shyness. I also feel a change in terms of my intellectual state. It’s probably mostly because I am more aware of things happening around me and even in my field of work, I learn a lot from people and having interactions with them. It’s only been my third week as an intern but I have gained so much from it. I know my previous post was a rant of how uncertain and unready I was about being a counselor when I practically don’t have much content in the field enough to help clients but it’s different now. I am a novice and it’s normal that I panicked a little, okay maybe a lot and my expectations of myself were over the roof but I took the advice of my therapist to create my own style with clients and trust my gut. It’s been going well since then and I appreciate everyone who was concerned about my problem then. Now, I look at things a bit more keenly and am aware of how different people’s lives are and their views too in different aspects of life.
Now the most prominent change I have had since turning twenty Is my sexuality. Oh, it’s so damn exciting for me. I know to most, sexuality is a very brushed off and low key topic but I don’t feel like that’s the way I want it to be for me. Sex is a part of life, very prominent and distiguished .I have just mentioned that am a sexually active human being and I don’t exactly shy away from saying it. Its been very interesting for me cause I now know what I like and dislike when it comes to sex. I am still learning so much more and very eager to learn. For now, I already know that I have a fetish. I won’t go into detail about it because I mentioned it in a very early blog post when I started writing. I am still figuring out what exactly in my fetish appeals to me and what I want to try out. I think in the era am in, it’s no longer much of a secret to the world that sex is very broad in terms of how to explore it. People have different sexual preferences and it’s damn alright too.
I am currently doing my research in my fetish and learning more about it and getting information concerning what it completely entails. Hope that whoever reads this, if you have a sexual preference of whatever kind, go for it. I won’t pull up a line like life’s too short to do this or that, just go for whatever makes you happy and content, quit giving two shits about the length of life. I am taking it a day at a time and it’s working good for me.
I will try writing more often. Writing is always so exhilarating and just relieving for me. Anyway, I also am considering whether I would want to start a podcast. It’s more of a thought in my head at the moment and not completely a decision made. I think I would enjoy it pretty much and I wouldn’t have a filter because it’s my free space to speak my mind just like I write my mind.Cheer me on if you think it would be cool to start a podcast. ✌