Who needs time?? 🙄 Un -Valentinesing

So my ass is totally single this Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t seem to help that I keep seeing stuff and people’s plans for Valentine’s everywhere on my phone & social. I am jealous, totally😐!! Enough of trying to show that I wouldn’t prefer having a partner to spend the day with and have those lovey dovey moments with and later seal the night with some intense love making. I may come off as a strong feminine comfortable on their own but even with all that, I still want some company and affection. So this years Valentine is gonna find me indoors in the downers club. All single loners are welcome to join me….(p. s Am no longer a Debbie Downer, I got myself some Valentine’s plans and I can’t wait for it.)

I just got off from a relationship not so long ago though it’s been a while now… I realise most times, we females feel the need to not express our need to have a partner or boyfriend reason being it’s believed men are the ones meant to do the chasing or whatever that bullshit entails🙄.Especially after a girl comes out of a relationship, in most times you realize the girl says she needs to take some time off guys so she can figure things out. Well, news flash, I’m not one of those girls. I have been that girl for so long, as long as five minutes ago but I was only that girl to the rest of the world and not to myself. I say this because the minute I ended my last relationship, I fucking knew what I wanted in the next relationship I would be in. I’ve been telling my friends who ask me whether I’m interested in dating any time soon and I keep lying by saying am ‘taking some time off’ to enjoy ‘solitude ‘🤥…well, I don’t need time to enjoy solitude. I’m not out to rush into another relationship but it doesn’t mean I am closing myself to the idea of it just cause I recently left one.

I feel that the female generation now shouldn’t be closed off from the idea of speaking out their minds and what they want from life. Right now I can damn sure as hell say I want to fall in love with a man who brings out the beautiful being that I know I am. To be my partner and companion. To be my lover and best friend. I am a great sap for romance and I am choosing not to allow myself any lesser than I deserve just cause the rest of the world deems its so. Someone asked me why am so open with talking about my sexuality and what I like and I told them am learning what it is I like and sex just happens to be one of those things. I still respect the sanctity of it, I’m just choosing to not see it as an embarrassment since its not.

I have not mentioned this to many but I have been crushing on someone but it’s now fizzling slowly into nothing. He made me feel special for a while and I thought that he probably sorta felt the same but now I realize he doesn’t and I am okay with that. Its a bummer but we move on. It proved to me he wasn’t the right one and I wasn’t about to settle for someone who wasn’t good enough for me. I have been there, done that. Just cause he didn’t see it, doesn’t mean I ain’t gonna grow feelings for someone else is it??? Exactly my point. Goodnight ✌.

Enough Hate or Love… New found need to Forgive.

Not many a times do we as individuals admit to our short comings as human beings. We could sing our praises to ourselves and others on top of the highest cliff but never would we be caught alive speaking out our failures in life and what we aren’t good at 😐. Well, I am here to release myself from that confinement of not being able to acknowledge to the world, let alone myself of how much of a failure I am when it comes to forgiveness.

Forgiving for me is one of the hardest thing to do. Like a conceited normal human being, I hope to be forgiven when I wrong others but it’s quite the task for me to reciprocate to those who hurt me. Que eye roll for all the conceited people like I am in the world 🙄. Luckily, I only find forgiveness hard for people who constantly repeat the action of hurting me in different means or aspects and they keep thinking that since I probably did it the first time, I can forgive them again. But that’s where they are wrong, I say to them I have forgiven them but in the real sense, I don’t honestly think I do. Forgiveness to me is completely ridding someone of any source/memory of pain and anger that I held over their heads not just verbally but mentally, emotionally and psychologically. If I say I forgive you and actually mean it, it means that I hold no memory in all those above aspects of whatever hurt you might have caused me.

It might seem that am letting out all this because it gives me a heavy heart to not be able to forgive; your wrong. I sleep perfectly with myself despite carrying all that anger and resentment towards the person I can’t forgive. I know it’s a load of a lot of crappy emotional fuel I don’t need and it’s not good energy but I relish in it. I relish in the feel of all that pain and anger and hold onto it so tightly because it fuels what I simply call, my need for revenge.

But enough of that…i am not proud of my need for vengeance. Neither am a proud that I find it hard to forgive. I believe it’s about time I learned how to and learn to let go of that pain & anger I hold so closely to my heart. Since the year started, I have been going on and on about how am choosing to let go of all those people who have been a drag in a my life and are as meaningless as the dirt on the ground to me. Well, news flash, it’s been quite the hoax. I say this cause all that brag about me letting go has been just that, a brag. I haven’t even come close to the thought of letting go, at least not until now. Reason being I feel entitled to hold on to that anger because it’s justified you know, it’s rightfully mine to feel. That’s the soul reason we hold onto any emotion, because we choose to own it rather than feel it and then let go.

I have been holding quite a lot of anger towards a certain person in my life who has been quite the character. I have known them for remotely since the beginning of highschool. To say she hasn’t been one if not the greatest factor as to why am writing about my new found need to forgive ,would be me lying to myself and you the reader. Yes, she is that factor that’s been the reason for my unfulfilled ‘brag’. I had told myself I wouldn’t rant about her on my blog because that would be a waste of words and time just talking about how much I recent her and how terrible of a being she has been in my life. But am not doing this for her. We have had quite the rollercoaster in our friendship. We started off as friends who had similar interests and our new found friendship grew to being best friends. We have hurt each other, one of us more times than the other. She made me loathe highschool cause it became more of a nightmare for me piled up on the already shitty feeling I got from being there. And every time she hurt me, I would get angry and I then think my affection for her would overcome the anger so it would seem like I forgave her .But the memories of pain stayed with me and that’s all it took for my heart to know, I never really forgave her.

Recently, I think I just got to my breaking point. The anger & hatred I feel towards her is completely overwhelming. Like this is the last straw in our friendship and relationship in whole. I am exhausted from the break ups to the make ups in our friendship that am completely burned out from it and I chose to completely call it quits. I may have thought I did so by blocking her social accounts and not talking to her but my mind is still swirling with anger and frustration towards her and I need for it to stop. This isn’t just for the last time she might have hurt me, this is for all the pent up anger, hate and resentment I have held towards her for over four years now. It overlooks any good memories we have shared because I chose to own the pain more than I chose to own the good that she ever did. This doesn’t exclude me. I have hurt her too in my search for vengeance, others she might not even know I did.

I think it’s time I let bygones be bygones. Not just brag about letting go and not giving a shit about her but actually do it. I know it won’t take one post on my blog to get over the pent up anger I have but I want this to be the start of me not hating her or loving her. I want this to be the start of completely erasing her from my life. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her but I sure do want to forget the pain she caused that I have carried for quite too long. I need a new sense of emotion stronger than pain & anger. I want to relinquish any claim I have over the pain and anger she has caused me because it’s me who’s hurting all this while. I need to move on from her… I need to take back my power over my emotions. Not just with her but for any other anger that might have been caused by others to me. I have been picking up my pieces in my relationship with God and every night when I pray, I make sure to ask for forgiveness from Him for all my short comings and displeasures that may have been displeasing to him. I realized yesterday that why should I plead for my forgiveness from The Almighty when I can’t do the same for someone else. I don’t deserve His forgiveness but His mercies endures forever. Mine may not but I can at least try to forgive and release myself of that bondage of anger and resentment. As I pray for the forgiveness of my sins, I too will pray for God to give me a forgiving heart. ✌

Blooming in the Year.. 🏵

Hello Hello little angels… That’s what I would be calling you if people actually read my blog but majority just don’t know what their missing…(my subconscious has started off the new year a little obnoxious 🙄)…Anyways, Happy New Year guys. I hope your year ended with glamour and excitement for the new year. Mine wasn’t anything fancy as it always is. I was in my home wrapped up with a warm blanket on the couch and when the clock hit twelve, my family said a prayer to welcome the new year and that was that.

So I don’t really feel different despite it being a new year but, I do intend to change a couple things about myself over the year that I hope to achieve and experience.Let’s be honest here, nobody experienced any drastic changes the minute the new year begun so let’s not play ourselves by saying we already feel different and all that crap… I don’t believe it works like that.

I didn’t make new year’s resolutions. I tried it last year and they were long forgotten before the first three months so I settled with the fact that it’s just not my thing. Though I chose to instead make a to-do list for the new year. There is a very distinct difference with resolutions which are things one chooses to change and do differently from the previous years.I’m calling this my year of blooming 🏵. I want this year to be the year I let loose a little and stop being so stuck up as well as cooped up in my shell. The first couple things are a little basic but they are still things I want to do. For starters, I want to open a bank account for myself. Yes, it’s my first bank account 😐, please don’t act so surprised for y’all who opened theirs early. I wanna save up for some of the other things I want to do over the year. Second and very important thing I want to do is learn how to swim. Que the shock sound track 🥁….😱😱yes ,I don’t know how to swim to save my life, literally and figuratively 🤥.I can not so proudly say that I have been in a swimming pool only once in my life and that was possibly over ten years ago. I definitely need to learn how to swim for that mere reason.

For the exciting part of me blooming, you gotta know my sexual life won’t be a miss in this 😋. So I am gonna make a confession here that probably only two people know about. I am highly attracted to slightly older guys. This is not a case of sugar daddies and stuff, nah…. Don’t get it twisted. I am currently twenty years old and if I had to choose between my prospects of whom I would date between a guy my age and a guy who is in the age group of twenty six to thirty, the younger guy goes. There are a couple of reasons why I find slightly older guys more promising than guys my age. I won’t really go into detail of why but we gotta give it to them, they are more appealing and mature. Not petty and not as intrigued by meager things like weed. Yes, I said it…its unappealing to me how all that seems to matter to guys my age is how good they can roll a blunt or how many blunts they can smoke in a day. It’s anything but sexy to me. I’m looking for a man enough to give me a child and one sober enough to raise one. I haven’t had an experience with a slightly older guy before but with this being my blooming year ,it’s definitely something I want to give a shot at. This will probably sound cliche’ as it can get but this girl needs a MAN in her life.

Finally, I want blooming for me to really get me out of my shell. I am not the most extroverted person. I can be social but I cower away when I feel intimidated by a certain group of people or too many strangers and it doesn’t help that I enjoy my solitude a little bit more than I should. I want to get out a little bit more, make more friends (worth my while kind of friends). I want to most especially travel more and visit new places. I am turning twenty one this year and it feels a lot like the year when the universe gives you a wake up call that you don’t have forever to sit on your dreams and aspirations and I’m gonna accept that call. I want to go out to a club and have a couple drinks and dance my very stiff body….Again ,yes 🙄I have not been to a single club or house party since I joined campus. For one, that’s not my social scene ;I am too scared to go on my own 😣 and I don’t have fun friends to accompany me. I want to go in a not too skimpy dress 👗 and get buzzed🍸 and sway my body to whatever beat that’s playing in the club. All these are how I want my new year to be. This is how I want to bloom. Am a ripe tiger lily waiting for the morning so I can let loose my petals to the beautiful morning sunshine and my sunshine is the beginning of the new year. I welcome you along to enjoy with me this beautiful new experiences I want to venture in and I can assure you, you won’t miss out on a thing. 😜