My little wins 😄😄

I never thought I would say this or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize that I would say it this soon… I finally now understand what it means to choose being happy. This past month has been amazing for me. It’s been peaceful, quiet and most especially content for me. I have done and pursued things that made me feel good. It feels so foreign to me to be in the head space that I am right now but I couldn’t be more grateful to be feeling happy and without much worry. Your probably thinking that I have gone above and beyond in adventures and escapades but actually that’s not the case. In just the span of three weeks, I’ve gotten to do the little things that just thrill and bring happiness to a person. For starters, I got to buy my very first bag pack and sling bag. Nothing too exciting there really but for me, it was amazing. I don’t have very many things I can say I have invested everything for but for those bags, I was a giddy little girl when I bought them for myself. Apart from that, I literally have just been experiencing and learning so much about myself and the growth I can feel manifesting itself mentally and emotionally in me is just beautiful. I have grown to have new interest in things I previously never really bothered about .I have been choosing to not be the closed off, shy girl I’m used to being. I’m doing things that are simple but so fun and it’s been an amazing experience for me.I gotta be honest though, I’m so scared that it’s just gonna be for a period of time and I won’t feel as free and happy as I am now. That maybe, if I think about it too long ,I might just jinx myself . Even as I write this, I’m not exactly certain why just life going on for me as it is as of the past couple weeks has given me such tranquility. I wanna scroll through my mind and really search for that big thing that’s happened but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it.. Do you know why , it’s cause it’s not there. Nothing so big or so dramatic has happened to me, it’s been the little victories that are having me feeling like this. A week ago, I got to share a beautiful experience with my sister who is completely my ride or die any day.We got to visit the National Park which for me wasn’t my first time but it was for her. Its always a new better experience for me every time I go there but this time it was a whole lot better because seeing her excitement was just incredible. The sweetest memories are those shared with the people you love. We got to hear a lion roar and it was incredible and just downright majestic.I also got to do something for myself and go commemorate this beautiful phase of growth that I am in because it honestly means the world to me. It was spontaneous as it is beautiful .This are what I mean to be my small wins.I can’t wait to go on and experience more happiness. I’m truly hoping to continue being in the head space I’m at right now and not worry about everything else. I have so many more things to experience and so many more sweet memories to make. I’m totally crossing my fingers that I don’t jinx this cause I can now honestly say, I am happy. It’s the little wins in life that shine brighter in your heart than to the world.

…Take it down a notch

Today I had a very meaningful conversation with a close friend of mine who really got me seeing things a little better than I was previously. This year I turn twenty-one and it’s been one of the most exciting feelings I have had. I don’t exactly have a special reason for feeling this about turning 21 years but it’s always felt like the bridge I needed to cross into fully embracing growth & adulting. Though, I didn’t think it would come this fast but here I am now.

The conversation I had today felt & legitimately was those eye opening kind of conversations that sorta are life changing in some way but you gotta internalize what exactly you want to change. This is me internalizing.

I got to see a certain aspect differently and it got me thinking…I got my first tattoo newly right after highschool at eighteen and it’s not your average kind of thing for someone newly just legal and still living entirely under their parents supervision. At least not in Kenya that is. Apart from that, it’s not really a secret that I am a bit vast in sex technically…

p.s It’s a bit embarrassing saying it like that. So anyway, simply what I’m trying to point out is that I have experienced and done quite a couple things that a larger majority of people my age have not and I have always known that about myself & felt good about it. Despite it all, today I got to feel that maybe I just might have grown up a little bit faster than I should have initially done.

In my case, I believe I gained a lot of freedom being raised for the past seven years by my dad alone. Him being a very cool down to earth kind of guy didn’t really put pressure on either me or my sister in those couple years we have been just the three of us. Honestly, I knew my father wouldn’t fret about me getting a tattoo cause we had come to a cordial understanding that after I completed highschool, whatever decision I would make that would be major or life changing would completely fall on me. I would be sourly responsible for it and take full responsibility of the consequences as well. For that, I am sourly grateful for his trust in me to make right choices for myself.

With turning twenty one, a lot of things feel quite overwhelming for me. I’m at a point in my life, everything feels like its moving a tad too fast for me. I’ve always sorta known that I was an early maturer, not just physically but mentally and intellectually as well. I think cause of that fact, I have missed a couple of stages I should have rightfully experienced according to age. When I say that I feel like everything is moving a tad too fast for me its not necessarily in the Kylie Jenner kind of way of owning a multi million business. This is completely personal for me. I have given a lot of priority to so many things that shouldn’t have exactly been a priority for me at this exact period of time. I have just recently honestly decided to quit worrying too much about getting a child at this exact age and getting a father for that child along with it. I have previously expressed my yearning for having my own child and how much I can’t wait to be a mum and it took quite a lot of therapy and advice to tone it down and see it wasn’t the piece of cake I thought it would be. Again, I was so driven by my yearning to get a child and it made me reckless in wanting a partner. I felt like I needed to put myself out there and shuffle through different ways of meeting potential men worth being life partners and possible baby daddies. All this, I have been doing while being between nineteen years old & recently turning twenty.

This year was my year of blooming and it drove me to be so sexually curious about so much. I have been going kink crazy, even as far as going on a date with a dominant man. All this is what I’m simply summing up as all the things I have been busy going nuts over trying to get done and I have not had a chance to simply enjoy being young and not worrying so much. The conversation I had gave me a chance to see that maybe I should allow myself to take it down a notch and simply live. I’ve been racing with time cause I wanted to start popping babies early and it’s pushed to trying to get the right guy and honestly now that I think about it, I’ve been running around like a headless chicken trying to get things done before I age too fast. Its not easy for me to just simply up and drop everything I have been so intent on achieving. It’s overwhelming now when I realize I need to live and be young and just be twenty years old.

I believe a lot of things of how I have been growing beyond my time would be different if my mum was around. I don’t mean to say that my life choices suck or I’m a wreck cause I don’t have her around ,what I mean to say is, had I had her with me, my life would be completely different in every aspect and I have always known that. Now that I know and want to slow down, I am grateful to have had that eye opening moment to learn that I shouldn’t rush life and should take it a step at a time. This for me, is what I now truly feel as me blooming and growing. ✌🏿

My underlying darkness….

What scares you the most about yourself? What’s that one aspect that you know deep down brings you shivers just thinking of it especially if you tapped into it? Well, I don’t expect all of you to have one but I sure do know I have mine.

If there is one thing I have really never been good at is explaining it out to people what kind of a person I am. I’m never quite certain whether I’m an introvert or whether am shy because as much as most times I do feel introverted or shy, it’s not all the time and that’s what makes it really hard to explain what kind of person I am.Hence forth ,I’ll be sure not to give a definite answer to that question in relation to myself. Though, despite it all, I do have one thing I’m largely certain about..its the dark aura I’m surely aware I’m drawn to. Can’t really tell when I realized that it’s quite a significant aspect about myself that doesn’t stand out to my public side but more of my very personal side. Maybe it was from the times as a child I never truly felt like I fit in with others because my aura naturally was withdrawn from everyone or it could be the countless times I looked up dark aesthetics on Pinterest felt a sense of contentment or it could be when I truly learned & felt what depression feels like especially when it’s looking you straight in the face with your reflection on it. Or maybe, just maybe, it was when I first felt the need for my death. I can’t quite place where I first felt the dark aura that looms and lurks somewhere at the back of my mind.

Having it doesn’t always mean I’m always consciously aware of it. Most people wouldn’t even tell that’s it there with me because it hasn’t taken root in my public scene. Though despite it being hidden, I can certainly say that it has affected other different aspects of myself like with the kind of man I want as a partner & spouse, with the type of sexual intrigue that appeals to me, to maybe I finding black quite naturally a beautiful colour and even as far as my career choice as well as other countless other things I’m still learning about myself .It sure is a part of me ,that I know. Question is, am I afraid of it…??

Would you be afraid of you being a joyous person or an extroverted person? Same case applies here.Do I have reason to be afraid that I am closeted dark goddess in the inside, not to me at least.. Its thrilling to be honest. It’s like my connection to my alter ego.The darkness I feel makes the public me completely worlds apart from the private . Its the bridge that divides two very different aspects of myself. It actually makes me happy to be different and it makes me yearn to connect to people I don’t often conform to on a normal basis. It allows me to intellectually think differently from most people and I gain momentum from that.

The most its ever been outwardly prominent is when I was struggling with my depression a couple months ago. To be quite honest, I was scared of it then cause I didn’t quite know how to maneuver around with it without letting suck me in. Pardon me for making it sound a lot like a spirit but then, it sorta felt like one. Most times people who haven’t experienced any kind of mental illness can’t quite understand what I mean but for someone who has remotely struggled with any sort of mental illness would know. I believe it’s different for everyone who’s been at that dark low point of their lives. Well, for me it was also quite a messy experience. It wasn’t the dark aura that I feel now, it was intoxicatingly dangerous. It fed off my fears and insecurities quite a lot and it suffocated me slowly from the inside out. It got me so low, low to the point suicide wasn’t too far fetched . It convinced me there was not much light at the end of the tunnel. Left me nursing separation anxiety and general anxiety of when things take the slightly turn for the worst. It got darker than it should have.

For now, I have it in check. I wouldn’t wanna change it about myself for anything. It makes me feel special and its unique having it and knowing its something that’s a part of you. I’m still on edge with loosing myself too much in it but I keep it at bay. It’s my year to bloom everything about myself, even the dark.. ✌🏿