I’ve never been one to show weakness out front to the world.. The most I have revealed myself and torn down my high built walls is on this platform. As I write this, I am for the first time choosing to strip myself of my confidence and let it out that I feel a weakness that has been with me & am not sure if I will ever learn to depart from it. It’s a feeling that has rendered me weak for nearly five years now. I knew I wasn’t invisible to it, I just never thought I would feel it this intensely. Just thinking about it is enough to render my heart beats a little bit fast than usual.
I never signed up to feel this kind of way. I never signed up to love someone who at times didn’t feel worth loving ….but I still did. I hate that it’s not new to you for me to speak about how much turmoil this love has brought me. It’s crazy because it ever seems to me like I feel it dig deeper than before. I’ve seen and felt just a substantial amount of pain just for feeling this kind of love. It’s gotten me so damn scared to let go as well as so petrified to try again. I’ve never really known with this kind of love, but one thing’s for sure, it’s given me a weakness I’m not so sure I like to feel.
Time and time again I have gone in circles about how toxic I’ve felt for just feeling this kind of love. I feel unworthy to even mention the love’s name for fear of the shame it may bring me due to prior cases of having written about them. I hate the constant intrusion of thoughts of them being in my mind just because I can’t seem to quite shake off the weak feeling I get from loving them. It’s been an exhausting kind of love to feel if I’m being truly honest. It’s caused me more pain than I wish to go down memory lane for.
Not too long ago, a thought that I want to consider absurd popped up in my mind …that maybe this twisted connection that was created could have been a soul mate connection. But the little scared girl in me is too weak to let that thought out there just in case I stand a chance of great humiliation for even remotely thinking that my sense of weakness could feel as intensely as I do. “On too many occasions did it feel like loving you and you loving me was a game of tag . In all our time together, I placed the burden on you for me being too scared to acknowledge that I was just scared of being alone. I should have handled that better. But even now despite my light bulb moment, I still feel like I will always fall second to you. I will never be enough when it’s all I ever just wanted to be for you. I have hurt you previously because I needed to build a shield for myself to ease the constant feeling of failure of never being good enough.I am now truly sorry for all those times I strived to make you feel like you had to fight just a little for all of my attention when truly In my heart, all you just needed to do was ask. Call this petty or melodramatic but our relationship was never like any other that resembled ours. It’s what made me feel like we were special…the fact that I had never cared for anyone else before you like I did you. My heart had only ever felt that connected to my mother who was in doubt not a stranger to me but with you, you were in all certainty a stranger to me… And that’s what made you special and loving you became a weakness. Because I learned to love you when my heart was bleeding, torn and felt beyond repair. I squeezed you in a heart built of closed off tears and an immense grief that chokes me till date….and for that, you gained a place in a deserted hole too dark to know the difference between pained grief and being understanding …you built a love that became a weakness for me to you …
As I conclude this mini monologue I just had, I’m not too sure I wanna feel this weak anymore. I’m not certain there is an anymore for’ us ‘…It truly hasn’t been the easiest thing letting go. I thought that if I put enough strength into hating you, it would change how I feel about truly still caring for you.. I don’t wanna put myself up for another feel or sense of loss like I already do now. I just want to be comfortable enough to let go of caring enough to let myself go from having you as a weakness. I need to quit tying myself around you over and over again and finally just slowly and fully let you go. I don’t wish that our story would have been different because then I never would have felt like we were the special duo that we both can agree to have been. I hope that when I don’t feel so weak and so scared, I will be able to cross that bridge enough to be this weak upfront with you.