First of all, I wish I was a bundle of roses & was about to light up your world but sadly no.. This isn’t gonna be a pleasant surprise where I’m all dandy about life. I’m actually not sure where this is headed because I’ve lost my mojo for a while now & I understand my mind sometimes likes caging me with writers block where the words just don’t seem to come to me. So no promises this is going to be a complete entry but what the heck…
I’ve been doing a lot of wishing lately …just as I’m about to do now. How I wish I had the world’s best words to express how or where exactly my emotions lie right now. Am I still in the blink of insanity, I don’t really know. Am I still depressed or is it like a looming shadow somewhere at the depths of my mind, I don’t know either… Right now what I do know is that there’s a lot about me that I don’t really know much about yet or have any answers to.
I’m not certain of whether to call what I have been doing as soul searching or simply waiting it out.. I’ve racked Pinterest looking for a way to understand what self love is & I can tell you the most I have gotten to it is a new found intrigue in art that leans more into the aesthetic aspects of myself. So simply, that hasn’t been of much help in my new found search for the meaning of self love. Hardest shit ever. I’ve tried to understand what kindness towards myself means and it’s an entirely new concept to me besides that I need to not physically harm myself. Anything else is uncommon ground for me.
The hardest part about all this for me has been the constant battle I have had in my mind between whether this has all been a silly cry for attention or whether I am legitimately mentally unstable. I’ve gone over it in my head more times than I can count about whether my mind has been so deranged enough to convince me that I’m sad & depressed or if it’s something that’s actually chronically wrong with my brain… Now that’s been my real battle, my real struggle. Come to think of it now, in either options, my mind is still a messed up pile of shit.
Positivity …Such a bitter pill to swallow. I wish I could swallow it as a syrup because of how quick people wanna shove it down my throat. I’ve tried to warm myself to it through quotes and songs and whatnot but I’m not just there yet. How can I conjure positivity when I can’t even seems to think straight half the time. My emotions no longer have anything to do with this because I’m not sad or hurt. I’m not spending my day wallowing in bed or bawling my eyes out. I actually get to spend my day like an average normal human being, but my mind just hasn’t caught up to speed with acting normal. I’m still drawn to a darkness that I can’t explain. I’m a human paradox….welcome to my parallel universe.
Ever felt lost? I feel lost & more so foreign to myself .Not too long ago I was numb beyond my reckoning. I have had some really low lows this past weeks. It was hard enough to wanna pick myself up and now here I am slowly trying to get back on my feet again.
Over the past weeks of my “depressed funk”, I got to learn something about myself that I never really quite knew. I’m two people in one. I’ve been having a little fourteen year old girl who’s life was once very bright, warm and if I may say happy. She was sheltered, protected and so oblivious to what growing up meant. That was seven years ago…Now that little girl hasn’t grown much since. She’s still stuck somewhere inside me. I wish I had a more elaborate artistic way to explain where in the depths of my mind she’s stuck at but that’s the best I can do. Then there’s me,the soon to be twenty one year old who’s life is a shitting mess. I couldn’t begin to explain what the past seven years have been for me. I feel her within me you know…. My little girl wants out of the cage I put her in, and I wanna help her out .
I seem to want to apologize a lot whenever I’m writing because subconsciously I feel very guilty for always yapping about how much my life sucks. I am sorry ,I wish I had more rainbows and crayons to write about. This journal entry today wasn’t supposed to be another elaboration to my sob story. On the contrary ,I wanted to write more about the first step in releasing my little girl and that’s admitting that I wish things were different in my life. I wish I could shit more glitter out than spewing darkness & possible insanity. I wish I could have been more receptive to happiness earlier & been more open to having better days but I honestly just don’t know how.
They say healing is the hardest part because it means letting go & stripping yourself of the dark amour you had held onto as a shield for so long. I am scared I may never get there because whenever I think I am ready to release myself from the tightly held amour ,I always find myself still heavily shielded. I feel like I have so much to learn about myself and how to heal . I for starters would like to understand how to love myself . To be gentle with myself because I’ve hardly been the kindest to myself. I’ve a lot of forgiving to do for myself ,to myself & to others as well. My baby steps in this case is acknowledging that I need to be less toxic to myself. It’s all I have been to myself. It’s all I have felt. Self pity, shame ,lonely & sad. I embraced them and covered myself in them as my shields. I’m scared, terrified to be honest because I’m choosing to embark on a journey that seems entirely foreign for me. I wish I could promise to not give up at the start but at least I took my first step.
It’s been four days… Four very lengthy days. Four days where I want to give myself a little bit of credit over… I haven’t cut myself in four days. I really had hoped I never would have to say those words out to the universe because I thought if I withheld them long enough, they would have simply just been a bad nightmare. It’s still been a nightmare, just one that’s been very real and not just in my dreams. I want to say I wish I had no recollection of it happening but I have it clear as day in my mind. The very same mind that’s been hurting and suffering in a tag of war between sanity and slipping.
One of the hardest things I have felt in the recent couple of weeks is sitting on the edge of so many queries and trying to wrap my head around why I would feel or in this case not feel the need to hurt myself. It’s been as foreign to me as it would be to anyone else. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would come to this but it’s here now and its my struggle.
I haven’t been kind to my mind because I felt like it wasn’t being kind to me. Maybe I should not have turned it into a war between myself and my mind. Maybe if I had offered myself enough love, I wouldn’t be forced to look at cut marks on my wrist every morning of every day. I have a lot of maybe’s of how I wish things could have turned out different.Writing about this right now poses such an anxiety to me. I’m doing the very thing that despite how numb I have been for the last few weeks, I have offered to feel one thing and that’s fear. Fear of how people would soon look at me different for what I have been doing to myself. Fear that I may be slowly and steadily loosing grasp of rational thoughts and putting in place my irrational actions.
Sometimes the stigma doesn’t have to come from everyone else, sometimes it comes from ourselves. I want to hate myself, I already do for what I am doing. I wish I could say I had the knowledge to switch it off but I feel like my hands are tied behind my back.
Cause I know I’m only human, don’t know how many sunsets I got left. And I don’t want to ruin, this moment by wondering what comes next. I just want to love me, like its all am living for. Hold myself close ,enjoy me more and spend a little less time Keeping Score.
I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.
A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.
Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.
To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.
Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.
I’ll try be discreet… It’s all am trying to be right now…not draw any attention to myself .Today I crossed a bridge. A bridge I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would cross. A bridge I never thought would be in my life story .I always thought I was better than that….Ironic huh! That I would never have to feel the need to cross that bridge, but I did.
I wish I could retrace back so many steps that I took today but I can’t. It’s already done. I crossed a bridge I should never have. Not even in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be strong enough to do it but crossing it for me just proved how strongly weak I am. I didn’t fight myself from it even when I know I should have. I didn’t try to stop it, I went ahead & did it.
As I took to crossing that bridge, I lost a bit of myself with every step I made. I could feel pieces of myself detach from me and break a little bit more .I wept for each piece of me that died today on that bridge. I wept for each person who I disappointed for crossing that bridge. I most especially wept for I knew what it fully meant me crossing that bridge. Those tears were my grief for the person who kept breaking as she took steady calculated steps across. I don’t recognize that person as myself anymore.
Finally, we crossed the bridge. The me now, took time to look over at all what I had lost over the period of crossing over. I saw the pieces of me that I will never get back. I saw the once hopeful little girl who thought that despite the little dark place in her mind that whispered to her, she could overcome it . She wept for me, she too saw the pieces that died along that fateful bridge.
Now here we are. More hollow than we ever were before. I walked away from that little girl because she no longer could save herself. I am a shell of the person I was today morning. I never quite understood what sort of peace people spoke about after crossing that bridge ;it sounded absurd to me especially since its not a bed of roses. But I felt it. It was crazy how quickly calm and collected I felt. I thought I was numb before, this calmness took numbness to an entirely different level. I didn’t feel, I didn’t hear, I didn’t think. It was QUIET. So quiet in my mind, I haven’t had such an eerie feeling before that that was that calming. I now well understand the peace that came with crossing that bridge. The whispers finally shut up because they got what they wanted. Through that bridge, I made a deal with the devil in my head and there’s nothing I can do to go back from it.
“I’m sorry am at this again; I really am. I wish I knew what exactly is hurting inside but it feels a lot like a soundless cry. I am not depressed…I am not in any emotional turmoil… I’m just numb and hollow. It’s dark where I am right now. Very dark and just downright empty. How I wish I was normal & wasn’t so melodramatic but sadly this is where I am right now . It’s exhausting when nightfall comes. I no longer hear those bad voices inside my head, they are quiet now …isn’t it what I always hoped for??….then why does it feel so lonely now? Why does it feel like I preferred when they whispered to me in my sleep than now when it’s just me .I wish I could speak and say what exactly feels out of place. I wish this was just a temper tantrum and I am in search of some sort of attention.. I would smack myself out of it. Or maybe it just is… I really don’t know anymore.
I wish I had signed myself up for this because then I could sign myself right out. It wouldn’t feel this exhausting to feel this dark and cryptic….to feel like an alien just cause your mind can’t seem to cut you some slack and think like a sane person. I doubt I know complete sanity or what it remotely feels like. Sad how the world can never see how unput together I am. How fucked up I am up here and how empty it is. Quite a pity really…
I’m proud of myself though. I am not in any pain. I don’t want to hurt myself too.. at least not yet anyway. It always doesn’t have to be physically, not trying to pick myself out of this pit of darkness is enough lack of effort to be considered self harm. I don’t feel sad either. I feel nothing. I really do apologize because I wish I could sound less sad and depressing but I was hoping I could push writing this long enough for it to fade away but guess I failed at that too 😟…
Funny how numb is a feeling.. Just a feeling of hollow oblivion. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn’t this vulnerable to falling over the edge. I wish my mind was stronger. I wish a lot of things but look how far wishing brought me. I’m a lonely psychotic. I feel the furthest from sane and that is just sadly my truth. Maybe I never really should have been quick to count “my little wins ” …look at how that turned out…