“I’m sorry am at this again; I really am. I wish I knew what exactly is hurting inside but it feels a lot like a soundless cry. I am not depressed…I am not in any emotional turmoil… I’m just numb and hollow. It’s dark where I am right now. Very dark and just downright empty. How I wish I was normal & wasn’t so melodramatic but sadly this is where I am right now . It’s exhausting when nightfall comes. I no longer hear those bad voices inside my head, they are quiet now …isn’t it what I always hoped for??….then why does it feel so lonely now? Why does it feel like I preferred when they whispered to me in my sleep than now when it’s just me .I wish I could speak and say what exactly feels out of place. I wish this was just a temper tantrum and I am in search of some sort of attention.. I would smack myself out of it. Or maybe it just is… I really don’t know anymore.

I wish I had signed myself up for this because then I could sign myself right out. It wouldn’t feel this exhausting to feel this dark and cryptic….to feel like an alien just cause your mind can’t seem to cut you some slack and think like a sane person. I doubt I know complete sanity or what it remotely feels like. Sad how the world can never see how unput together I am. How fucked up I am up here and how empty it is. Quite a pity really…

I’m proud of myself though. I am not in any pain. I don’t want to hurt myself too.. at least not yet anyway. It always doesn’t have to be physically, not trying to pick myself out of this pit of darkness is enough lack of effort to be considered self harm. I don’t feel sad either. I feel nothing. I really do apologize because I wish I could sound less sad and depressing but I was hoping I could push writing this long enough for it to fade away but guess I failed at that too 😟…

Funny how numb is a feeling.. Just a feeling of hollow oblivion. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn’t this vulnerable to falling over the edge. I wish my mind was stronger. I wish a lot of things but look how far wishing brought me. I’m a lonely psychotic. I feel the furthest from sane and that is just sadly my truth. Maybe I never really should have been quick to count “my little wins ” …look at how that turned out…


6 responses to “Numb”

  1. Oh, Sweetie! **hugs** Hun, that sounds like depression getting into a catatonic state – wherein you’re just an observer and not really able to feel anything because it’s all too much. It’s a coping mechanism, and I really, REALLY hope you have a professional someone to talk to, or maybe help you with some kind of treatment or medication. It’s a terrible place to be, and I’m not going to “like” that you’re there. Please – seek treatment or help locally. Be safe, if you aren’t thinking of self harm “yet”, it means you already are. It’s just waiting for the thing to tilt you over the edge. OK? Promise me that you will not harm yourself. Promise me that you will make an effort, no matter how difficult it seems, to get some help. Promise me that you, my friend, will continue to be here.
    **hugs and love**

  2. You have no idea just how much I feel you…. #screaming

    I’m sorry.

    Hope you doing okay.
    xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.