I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.
A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.
Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.
To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.
Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.