Dear Happiness….

Dear Happiness,

I’ve heard a lot about you from probably everywhere and everyone.I have read about you in quotes, seen books about you… They all have their own victory stories of you and how great it is to have you around. You and I don’t have much of a history together so I can’t really vouch for you. I feel more of snippets of you and I guess I can’t really say you stay long enough around me for me to fully understand you. People have made you seem like such an easy pick and I honestly can’t blame them. You are the source of greater good as it may seem.

A little walk down memory lane with you is when I had my mum around. I still never really understood you but I can positively say I felt you fully. Best moments of my life. Right after her, I didn’t really feel you anymore. I would have ‘chosen’ you as everyone kept repeating to me but I really didn’t see the need for it. I’m sorry I didn’t deem myself worthy of you.

Today I really still don’t know much about you apart from the usual occasional times you make an appearance when I’m around my family. Thank you for that. It’s hard enough that I don’t understand, especially when everyone else seems to want to shove you down my throat. Nobody has ever really asked me whether I want you apart of me. It’s always, “You gotta choose to be happy Mercy, life’s too short to always feel sad & depressed. You gotta want it bad enough “. How I wish I thought it was that easy.

To be quite honest happiness, all I have ever known is the space between you and darkness.It’s an uncommon oblivion. I’m not emotionally stable to handle you. Maybe in the near future, I will feel worthy of you or at most open to the prospect of you but as for now, allow me to try figure things out. I may be in a toxic depressive state right now and not thinking straight but it’s all I’ve ever known. My mind has only ever known how to conjure up darkness ,self pity ,loss, little to no self worth and constant fear of drastic change. Can you honestly blame me for fearing you? You’re unknown territory to me and I’m scared. I hope to have you as my light at the end of the tunnel, I really do but I can’t promise you it’s going to be an easy road to getting to you. I wish everyone could understand that about me. That happiness, positivity and all those shindigs are new to me. I’ve only ever considered happiness in so very few things in my life and most of them tag along with things I hope to achieve in my future.

Anyways ,I just thought that it would be a good time to write this to you when I remotely feel calmer. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I just wish I could have a little bit more time to understand myself and what incorporating you in my life would mean for me. When I’m ready to let go of everything else that I’m holding onto, I will find my way to you.

9 thoughts on “Dear Happiness….”

  1. *hugs* Maybe this is just my warped view on life, but I’ve found happiness in some very small and generally insignificant (to most) things. Just being in *that* moment, not thinking ahead, not thinking about the past, just being here, now. I tend to surround myself with things that help – looking at a print I have of three women dancing, observing the shapes in my salt lamp, listening to songs that make my heart lift a bit… I’m not saying you should do these things – because it took me ages and ages to find this place within where I allow happiness in. But maybe start with something small, but makes you feel a wee bit of joy. I’m so sorry you’re struggling here.

  2. Oh, Sweetness… I’m sorry. I don’t know what all has you triggered this way, what trauma you’ve had, but I would be a lousy friend if I didn’t say I was concerned and think that it might be time to check in with a professional, or even a treatment facility. Even as scary as that sounds, it can’t be any scarier than what’s going on now. If I were there, I’d give you a hug, and we’d figure out the best way for you to handle this – but I’m so far away, and it would take weeks to get my passport up to snuff. Please, Dear One, get some help. I’ll still be here. I promise.

    1. Thank you love… So very much. I feel like I am completely loosing my mind and I feel like a shell of my former self. I am numb and this voice in my head that keeps telling me to hurt myself is driving me crazy. Tonight I took the first step and told my sister that I’m self harming. I feel lonely, hollow and on the edge of my life. I wish I had someone to tell me that this isn’t the end for me because it feels a lot like it.

  3. No, Sweetie – this isn’t the end. I am glad you spoke with your sister, but thoughts and actions of self harm require action. I have been there a few times, feeling that there was a single irrevocable action. Yet here we are, talking about it. What I can tell you, with absolute certainty was my best recovery into the Light came from admitting myself to hospital. It scared the hell out of me. It scared my family. It was the most intense thing I had ever done. But it turned me around, and got me some coping skills, and brought me home. It also have me the strength to take a seat friend to the hospital here and walk her through admission. You can do this. You are not done here. *hugs prayers love and light*

  4. OK, so, now what are you going to do? Can you promise me, as your friend, as someone who would be standing with you, holding your hand, that you will seek professional help, up to and including if need be, hospitalization?

    1. Yeah, today I had a therapy session and it gave me quite the relief. Thank you for caring about me. It means the world to me. I will seek help even if it means being hospitalized.

  5. You can do this, Sweet One. One moment, one step, one thought at a time. I believe that you are going to come through this, with something you never knew you had in you. I’m mentally picturing you being stronger and wiser than any mood disease.
    Of course I care! You’re part of my blog family, and that means you’re freaking loved.
    Stay in touch, let me know which way to send prayers and think good, safe thoughts. Ypu are not alone.

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