Baby Steps…

Ever felt lost? I feel lost & more so foreign to myself .Not too long ago I was numb beyond my reckoning. I have had some really low lows this past weeks. It was hard enough to wanna pick myself up and now here I am slowly trying to get back on my feet again.

Over the past weeks of my “depressed funk”, I got to learn something about myself that I never really quite knew. I’m two people in one. I’ve been having a little fourteen year old girl who’s life was once very bright, warm and if I may say happy. She was sheltered, protected and so oblivious to what growing up meant. That was seven years ago…Now that little girl hasn’t grown much since. She’s still stuck somewhere inside me. I wish I had a more elaborate artistic way to explain where in the depths of my mind she’s stuck at but that’s the best I can do. Then there’s me,the soon to be twenty one year old who’s life is a shitting mess. I couldn’t begin to explain what the past seven years have been for me. I feel her within me you know…. My little girl wants out of the cage I put her in, and I wanna help her out .

I seem to want to apologize a lot whenever I’m writing because subconsciously I feel very guilty for always yapping about how much my life sucks. I am sorry ,I wish I had more rainbows and crayons to write about. This journal entry today wasn’t supposed to be another elaboration to my sob story. On the contrary ,I wanted to write more about the first step in releasing my little girl and that’s admitting that I wish things were different in my life. I wish I could shit more glitter out than spewing darkness & possible insanity. I wish I could have been more receptive to happiness earlier & been more open to having better days but I honestly just don’t know how.

They say healing is the hardest part because it means letting go & stripping yourself of the dark amour you had held onto as a shield for so long. I am scared I may never get there because whenever I think I am ready to release myself from the tightly held amour ,I always find myself still heavily shielded. I feel like I have so much to learn about myself and how to heal . I for starters would like to understand how to love myself . To be gentle with myself because I’ve hardly been the kindest to myself. I’ve a lot of forgiving to do for myself ,to myself & to others as well. My baby steps in this case is acknowledging that I need to be less toxic to myself. It’s all I have been to myself. It’s all I have felt. Self pity, shame ,lonely & sad. I embraced them and covered myself in them as my shields. I’m scared, terrified to be honest because I’m choosing to embark on a journey that seems entirely foreign for me. I wish I could promise to not give up at the start but at least I took my first step.

3 responses to “Baby Steps…”

  1. ***hugs*** Recognizing where things shifted, where there’s a break – that’s a GIANT step. One of the tools I use (I know, this will sound mad to someone who hasn’t needed it) is the me I am today, goes in to the me I was at say, 14, and talks to her. The conversations tend to start with a hug, and a reminder that she is smart and beautiful, and people expect things from her they can’t even pull from themselves. That’s their issue, not hers. And we talk about how much it hurt when my cousin made out with the guy I was seriously crushing on at my birthday party, and how broken it shows SHE was, it wasn’t that there was something lacking in ME…. And so on. It helps a lot.
    I know you’re going to be OK.

    • Thank you love… I really do want to connect with my fourteen year old me who’s innocence of the world was crushed at the loss of our mum. I lost her that day when my mum passed and it’s been downhill from there. I hope to reconnect with her. Accept her back because she was carefree and happy.

  2. You can do that. You can imagine having a conversation with 14 yr old you, telling her it’s all right to grieve, that she will survive this, even as it tears at her. Innocence is a little trickier – it’s not entirely reclaimable – in my opinion. Joy and wonder and trust? Those things are waiting for you, my Dear.

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