Mental Paradox..

First of all, I wish I was a bundle of roses & was about to light up your world but sadly no.. This isn’t gonna be a pleasant surprise where I’m all dandy about life. I’m actually not sure where this is headed because I’ve lost my mojo for a while now & I understand my mind sometimes likes caging me with writers block where the words just don’t seem to come to me. So no promises this is going to be a complete entry but what the heck…

I’ve been doing a lot of wishing lately …just as I’m about to do now. How I wish I had the world’s best words to express how or where exactly my emotions lie right now. Am I still in the blink of insanity, I don’t really know. Am I still depressed or is it like a looming shadow somewhere at the depths of my mind, I don’t know either… Right now what I do know is that there’s a lot about me that I don’t really know much about yet or have any answers to.

I’m not certain of whether to call what I have been doing as soul searching or simply waiting it out.. I’ve racked Pinterest looking for a way to understand what self love is & I can tell you the most I have gotten to it is a new found intrigue in art that leans more into the aesthetic aspects of myself. So simply, that hasn’t been of much help in my new found search for the meaning of self love. Hardest shit ever. I’ve tried to understand what kindness towards myself means and it’s an entirely new concept to me besides that I need to not physically harm myself. Anything else is uncommon ground for me.

The hardest part about all this for me has been the constant battle I have had in my mind between whether this has all been a silly cry for attention or whether I am legitimately mentally unstable. I’ve gone over it in my head more times than I can count about whether my mind has been so deranged enough to convince me that I’m sad & depressed or if it’s something that’s actually chronically wrong with my brain… Now that’s been my real battle, my real struggle. Come to think of it now, in either options, my mind is still a messed up pile of shit.

Positivity …Such a bitter pill to swallow. I wish I could swallow it as a syrup because of how quick people wanna shove it down my throat. I’ve tried to warm myself to it through quotes and songs and whatnot but I’m not just there yet. How can I conjure positivity when I can’t even seems to think straight half the time. My emotions no longer have anything to do with this because I’m not sad or hurt. I’m not spending my day wallowing in bed or bawling my eyes out. I actually get to spend my day like an average normal human being, but my mind just hasn’t caught up to speed with acting normal. I’m still drawn to a darkness that I can’t explain. I’m a human paradox….welcome to my parallel universe.

3 responses to “Mental Paradox..”

  1. *Big Hugs*
    I can tell you, from my own experiences, that this kind of “Am I really ill, or is this something silly?” is the former. We get told over and over again, “It’s all in your head” – no shit, Sherlock. because last time I checked, my brain was in my skull. That doesn’t make the illness any less real. Just because an outside observer doesn’t see the issue, as they would with a broken leg in a cast, or having chemotherapy, it doesn’t make your disease less. It’s still there, and the only thing that changes the illness is getting treatment. If I could, well and truly, hop on a plane, and come and hold your hand to walk you through getting treatment, I’d be on my way to the airport now. (My cats would be peeved, but they’d be fine.) My point here is this, the only way through is to ask for help, and then push on. Deal with the pain. Face it. Ferret out it’s source, and figure out how that has shaped you.
    From what I know of you, your words, your images – you are a woman who has so much compassion and curiosity about the world. You are smart, and intuitive, and you know that there’s a tremendous amount of wonder to appreciate. There is beauty in this world, and you see it. You’ve had trauma, and for whatever reason, now it’s rearing it’s Hydra like head and wearing on you.
    You know what I’m going to say, so I’m not going to say it again, Sister. You are loved. You are worthy of love and good things, and appreciating the small wonders that are around us every minute of the day.
    *hugs, love, and a lit candle*

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