Itās been thirteen days ⦠I donāt have a general term to express what those days have been for me⦠In honesty, they have been a blur ā¦.typically my normalcy. I laughed ,I interacted, I left the house, just my typical blurry life. But, despite all that, I havenāt cut. Wish I could say I felt proud of myself but truly it doesnāt feel much of a win because it doesnāt rule out that I still thought of it. In every single day of those thirteen days ,it crossed my mind. Felt like an unfinished piece of myself I kept leaving out. Sad how much of it has become part of me now.
I wish I felt worthy enough to fight this waging war in my head but Iām not sure where to start. Everything is at a pause. Canāt seem to bring myself to sit through therapy again, just extremely exhausted to keep going on in circles with it. Iām done being cliche about this. Iām done writing about it despite it being the only possible outlet I have for my emotions & thoughts. Iām exhausted and just want to rest. Iāve lost focus on how normal it is to handle lifeās challenges without needing an escape. Iāve quit trying to be strong. I donāt know what it means to be okay. I now understand what itās like to have a cloud shadow over my head because in all honesty, I canāt focus on anything besides the voices in my head. Thatās my depression, thatās my battle. I canāt keep trying to act normal when my mind keeps tipping over the edge every chance it gets.
Thirteen Days . In the last ten minutes or so, this thirteen days would have been irrelevant. They would have held no sense of importance to me. With a slit of my wrist, those thirteen days would have been twelve days of my āsobrietyā down the drain. I read somewhere that relapsing doesnāt mean I failed. It doesnāt mean I didnāt make steps forward. Well, if it doesnāt mean failure, what exactly does it mean? Not really expecting a response or an answer for that matter. Just cause I can afford a smile on my face, doesnāt mean anyone can see the pain & hollow fade behind my eyes . Iām not sure I want anyone to see it anyways .
Iām waiting it out. Waiting for the storm thatās coming. I can feel it. Iām not done falling. Until I can get the strength to hold on to something, anything, Iāll keep on falling, Iāll keep on sinking deeper into the depths of darkness thatās my mind. For now, I am hoping to keep up my facade till after my birthday. Not that itās as important to me as I wish it was prior. I just donāt have it in me to feel excited about it. So until then, Iām gonna fake it. Iām gonna stand under my heated shower & pretend to wash away the waking ache to cut. For my birthday, I will pause that fall. Canāt promise Iāll make the most rational decisions after because again, the storm is coming and itās unrelenting. Itās just a matter of time.
Sweetheart, itās time to go inpatient. *holds your hand, and walks you in*
I donāt know where I to go. I honestly wish I did. I would take myself with restrain.
Call your local hospital and ask them. Theyāll know.
You can do this. There are beautiful things in life to see and this shadow thatās over your head is blocking you from seeing that. I understand how seemingly impossible it is to see anything beyond it, but itās a fight worth fighting. If medication is something of interest to you, talk to a psychiatrist. If itās not, find something that does interest you and harness all the power you have left to seek it out. People are eager to help, donāt let that shadow convince you otherwise. It will get better with effort, in due time.
Thank you so much