I’m on a roll which is quite weird but oh well …This post is on how my mental health has been responded to by my friends & how I’ve responded to their reactions. I can’t say there are many who know in depth what exactly affects me. Probably they too just think am differently dark.. Who the hell knows what they think 😶? When I first started having depressive episodes last year, I wasn’t as outward with it to my friends. Then, I probably only recall confiding in my then best friend and she was there for me but I’m certain of one thing ,she had not an ounce of an idea what was wrong with me. Nobody truly ever does understand and again, I don’t blame them for it. The singularity of mental illness confides you to it and personally ensures the rest of the world looks at you like a lunatic with a high level of emotional disfunctionality.
I recall then with a certain friend of mine it was quite frustrating trying to explain that my mental instability wasn’t as a result of not being ‘positive’ or ‘not looking at the brighter things in life ‘.God was it annoying…. I remember getting so upset at him and pulling away from him for unconsciously blaming my not so positive self for the state of mind I was in then. I guess that was my first light in no longer telling anyone of what I was going through. I quit expecting anyone else to remotely understand .Maybe that’s really why I’m writing this updates of how different responses have affected me, to slowly find a way to minimize the stigma around any mental illness.
With this recent occurrence of my depression, I can happily say I had and still have amazing friends who’ve been my rocks. I honestly can’t say how grateful I am for the beautiful souls I’ve gotten to share my pain with & be embraced by so warmly & with so much love. When I first self harmed, despite the twisted high I got right after, I called one of my closest friends who lives right across me from my apartment because I knew if I didn’t, I’d probably have hurt myself again seeking that high I had first felt. She never once looked at me with any judgement or disdain. She held my hand and we went to her place & I gave her the blade I’d used to cut. From then on, whenever the intense urge to harm would creep in, I’d try pull myself out and head on to her place. Honestly, I’d not be where I am now without her support and for that, she’s not just become a sister but a best friend. I’m truly blessed for all of whom have been beside me all through.
I believe in earth angels. I have one who’s become such a friend, a buddy and a confidant. If I could place most of my happy moments over this recent period of my mental struggles, it wouldn’t miss this beautiful soul. Despite having her own struggles and life, she brought me into hers with warmth, encouragement and a joy I could never take for granted. She’s my rainbow after the storm. I know she’ll read this ‘my docile woman ‘…😄. One of my other friends went as far as giving me an alarm code word for when I would feel the urge to cut. If that isn’t love, what is it? Sometimes it’s easy to get blinded by the fog of pain that surrounds a person, you don’t take time to see the little rays of sunshine that try to seep in through the fog. This beautiful amazing friends of mine are those rays of light for me and I am happy to let them in.
I’ve learned quite a lot in appreciating friendship. Even from the little subtle questions of “are you okay “,”what’s up “and “ I’m here if you want to talk about it “.Most of those friends would not exactly understand what it is I might be going through but their mere concern about me has been enough for me to want to get myself out of it. For every one of them, I owe my recovering process. Even those across the world who’ve expressed such concern for me and such an immense amount of love and support, I owe them every little bit of joy I feel despite this struggle. I wish I could name each and every one cause my heart swells with love for them. They push me to want to get better because I wouldn’t want to fail them. 💕💕
PS. This is a dedication to Robbie, My docile lady 😜, Masheti, Liz( my word press sister from across the world), Harriet, Marie my beautiful bunny 🐰and every other beautiful soul that’s told me to be strong. I send you all my love. ❤