Gullible is my middle name..

Its been a hot minute since I last wrote but I’m guessing that didn’t really matter to most or anyone for that matter. I could have been dead for what it’s worth. My God I hate my life. Anyway, I’m not dead if you may still be thinking so. Death right now feels too infinite for me. The part me that I wish was more optimistic and even slightly hopeful believes that somewhere out there, there’s something for my wrecked soul. I may not see it now, but I at least have hope there is.

I want to say a lot has happened since I last wrote but technically, it’s not been much at all.. It’s more of my emotions that deceive me to thinking a lot has happened, since I wouldn’t be here if things were any easier for me. For those who might not know this ,I write when I’m most fucked up. I’ve created such an illusion for myself that I have been trying to have things under control but here, I don’t have to decive myself. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, everyday is utterly ridiculously differently fucked. In the span of two months, I’ve gotten casual at ‘self hate ‘.I don’t have anything more to say on that, apart from that life’s shit, I’ve gotten over it, you should too …or not. Anyway, back to what my weeks been like ,I met a boy ,majorly got a crush, he was a douche like they all are and now I’m getting it sorted by plotting possible murder for the emotional turmoil I’ve felt for his sorry ass. My God am I gullible and dum right, I fell right into that one didn’t I? Cute boy, cute enough smile and just the right amount of asshole in him… Mercy’s perfect dose of stupid.

Over time, I’ve learned that there’s quite a lot of things that my lack of self love acts as a disadvantage for me. I’m so emotionally dependent on those I love, I pour it in torrents, I have zero left for me. Just to put it out there ,I’m a cling lover so try not getting me in love with you or remotely infatuated with you…God knows I wish I could understand what exactly it would mean for me to love myself more than I put into loving others. I’m my own undertaker. I dig my own grave and bury myself in it. That’s what gullibility is for me. So here I am, ready to cling to any one or anything capable enough of loving me for the both us. Sad isn’t it,,,Que pity party ,,,,,where’s my blade at ??

So for my gullibility to stay on a leash long enough for me to understand the complexity of self love, I’m gonna put my head down and try ‘hate’ people instead .Maybe, just maybe, it’s about time to let in a little bit of no love.

3 responses to “Gullible is my middle name..”

  1. **hugs** Oh, Hun… You’ve got the same gift I do, don’t you? Assholes or gay is who I crushed on forever – still likely do. I just give no shits, and get on with it.
    Now – I’m going to be bossy here – no more casual self disparagement. None. You deserve better and if that lackwit didn’t see that you are a woman of love and compassion and a treasure, not a toy, then may his bits rot off and no one give a damn. You’re valued. You’re loved. You’re smart. Don’t let some jerk take that from you – he got more of your good self than he deserved – and *YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME*. I want you to keep reading that bit. There are people who live off of charm, and they serve no purpose other than to be ornamental. No depths. They are tissue paper people. You are a real human being. You deserve real human love.

    • Oh Liz, you have no idea how much I’ve missed your wise words and your interesting wit. It’s been a rollercoaster for the last two months. I really wish we had direct communication so I could keep you updated on how things have been. Sometimes I find myself just wishing about how you would want me to handle a situation just cause your a real inspiration to me. Thank you for all your kind words and yes, I too hope he loses his man bits because he played me without a doubt to his mind. It’s great to have you back.

      • Sweetie –
        You can always email me directly. I’m in school, so life is a little crazy, but I generally get back to people. No ghosting! And it’s a less public way to chat.
        I’m so sorry someone was cruel to you. There’s just NO understanding that kind of cowardice and power play.

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