I love it how after such a while I’m able to get my writing niche back simply out of listening to country music or listening to a new song that touches my very deep rooted heart. I wish I knew where I’m going with this , I’m more of following the flow of my thoughts other than a specific notion. Sometimes I think I just find my relevance in the world when I write & after I’m done, it amazes me that something so articulate and raw can come from my mind . Yes, I just gave myself a pat on the back… revel in it and move on.
So, I’ve not really thought about the fact that the year is about to end until now & it gives me the need to reflect on what has taken place over the year. For starters, if I could give this year one general term to define how it’s been, well, wavy would suffice. I think I’ve felt every possible feeling over the year and it’s been a tidal for me. Can’t say I’ve had the easiest of times but I can say I didn’t die so I guess that counts for something. Honestly, I don’t remember much about earlier in the year which is sad since I do somehow recall that being the remotely less painful part of my year. I recall somehow feeling content with what was happening… well that’s just until the true nature of my mind took over like it always does.
Earlier then I felt a sense of freedom from a bond that meant a lot but had turned toxic. It was an adjustment but a necessary one that wasn’t at all easy. I had a tough time letting go of a toxicity I had become quite accustomed to. A second ago, I was just thinking how I tend to always turn my relationships ‘special ‘to me and I pour out every darn effort in my body so that I can’t ever have to feel less than enough for the person with whom I’m in the relationship with ,whether casual or intimate. I go into every relationship whether a friendship I don’t want to loose or a romantic one which I want to treasure, I go at it with my walls put up high but with open arms to welcome you into my own personal fort. That ‘speciality’ I look to turn my relationships into is the toxicity that I am just now realizing I bring about. That raw, true & deep way I hold people I care about so close to me is what always turns out to be my downfall because I never want to give them a chance to need someone else other than myself. I never want to feel inadequate for them, therefore I seek to be special to them, I seek to always have their attention so I can feel needed & wanted. Now that I can say it, it sounds truly pathetic & sad really…
Maybe if I’d have had my ‘I’m enough’ tattoo placed somewhere I could see it, I’d finally have a head start in believing the damn statement …I guess I’ll just have to always struggle with wondering if I’ll ever be enough for anyone. I’m not having a pity party for myself, it gets exhausting most times. So yeah, that’s probably a fair warning to people to not allow me to feel any sense of attachment to them since I might just have you under my ‘special ‘ people’s list.
Apart from that, I remember sometime earlier I thought I was happy, or at least had the illusion it was happiness. Can’t recall exactly what brought about that illusion but it was nice while it lasted. Right after that, I spiralled down and learned that a razor could do a lot more than just cut paper… Sardonically. Being the damaged person I am in my mind, saying that sounded funny to me. I learned that the depths of my deprived mind go as far as that. I think overtime, I came to terms that thinking like that is just the beginning of a very dark venture. Not to applaud it but it’s me accepting that capabilities of falling further aren’t such a farfetched notion. I wanted to drown but not to die but to see if I could find the calm in the middle of the storm. I wanted to float deep beneath the water cause it seemed less chaotic.
And finally, in the last phase of my year, it has been interesting. I feel like I had a little bit of everything, the good, the bad, & the raw. I got hurt, moved on, started a new venture that is scary but I’m taking it as a leap of faith. Now what I simply want ,is to close the year like a child on a Christmas morning. With those I love & who love me without needing me to be enough or worthy…cause they don’t have much of a choice. I wanna end the year with a happy heart and a sense of peace of mind.