My true year..

I love it how after such a while I’m able to get my writing niche back simply out of listening to country music or listening to a new song that touches my very deep rooted heart. I wish I knew where I’m going with this , I’m more of following the flow of my thoughts other than a specific notion. Sometimes I think I just find my relevance in the world when I write & after I’m done, it amazes me that something so articulate and raw can come from my mind . Yes, I just gave myself a pat on the back… revel in it and move on.

So, I’ve not really thought about the fact that the year is about to end until now & it gives me the need to reflect on what has taken place over the year. For starters, if I could give this year one general term to define how it’s been, well, wavy would suffice. I think I’ve felt every possible feeling over the year and it’s been a tidal for me. Can’t say I’ve had the easiest of times but I can say I didn’t die so I guess that counts for something. Honestly, I don’t remember much about earlier in the year which is sad since I do somehow recall that being the remotely less painful part of my year. I recall somehow feeling content with what was happening… well that’s just until the true nature of my mind took over like it always does.

Earlier then I felt a sense of freedom from a bond that meant a lot but had turned toxic. It was an adjustment but a necessary one that wasn’t at all easy. I had a tough time letting go of a toxicity I had become quite accustomed to. A second ago, I was just thinking how I tend to always turn my relationships ‘special ‘to me and I pour out every darn effort in my body so that I can’t ever have to feel less than enough for the person with whom I’m in the relationship with ,whether casual or intimate. I go into every relationship whether a friendship I don’t want to loose or a romantic one which I want to treasure, I go at it with my walls put up high but with open arms to welcome you into my own personal fort. That ‘speciality’ I look to turn my relationships into is the toxicity that I am just now realizing I bring about. That raw, true & deep way I hold people I care about so close to me is what always turns out to be my downfall because I never want to give them a chance to need someone else other than myself. I never want to feel inadequate for them, therefore I seek to be special to them, I seek to always have their attention so I can feel needed & wanted. Now that I can say it, it sounds truly pathetic & sad really…

Maybe if I’d have had my ‘I’m enough’ tattoo placed somewhere I could see it, I’d finally have a head start in believing the damn statement …I guess I’ll just have to always struggle with wondering if I’ll ever be enough for anyone. I’m not having a pity party for myself, it gets exhausting most times. So yeah, that’s probably a fair warning to people to not allow me to feel any sense of attachment to them since I might just have you under my ‘special ‘ people’s list.

Apart from that, I remember sometime earlier I thought I was happy, or at least had the illusion it was happiness. Can’t recall exactly what brought about that illusion but it was nice while it lasted. Right after that, I spiralled down and learned that a razor could do a lot more than just cut paper… Sardonically. Being the damaged person I am in my mind, saying that sounded funny to me. I learned that the depths of my deprived mind go as far as that. I think overtime, I came to terms that thinking like that is just the beginning of a very dark venture. Not to applaud it but it’s me accepting that capabilities of falling further aren’t such a farfetched notion. I wanted to drown but not to die but to see if I could find the calm in the middle of the storm. I wanted to float deep beneath the water cause it seemed less chaotic.

And finally, in the last phase of my year, it has been interesting. I feel like I had a little bit of everything, the good, the bad, & the raw. I got hurt, moved on, started a new venture that is scary but I’m taking it as a leap of faith. Now what I simply want ,is to close the year like a child on a Christmas morning. With those I love & who love me without needing me to be enough or worthy…cause they don’t have much of a choice. I wanna end the year with a happy heart and a sense of peace of mind.

Is it worth it???

Is it worth it?? That’s what I’m asking myself right now cause I’m in a bubble that’s pretty different from my normal mental darkness . I’m even scared to say the H word cause I may jinx whatever it is that’s happening right now. For those who may not be following up, the H word is happiness in this case. Not too long ago I wrote about how hard it is for me to understand the concept that is happiness and when exactly one can fully say they are happy with everything that’s going on for them. I’m yet to get there….still have a lot of demons who are allergic to anything remotely good for me, therefore tend to bring out my not so favourite friend who goes by the name Anxiety.

Not to dwell too much so not to fuck it up, I’m at a better place than I usually tend to be. Something has changed that I won’t go into but it’s a significant change that’s been happening for me. I’m so worried that I’m being gullible and naive over it and letting my very betrayable feelings guide me in this case. I don’t sit well with change, of whichever kind. Bad change just sort makes things more aggravated for me. Good change is what I fear most. It tends to have your expectations higher and your judgement easily swayed. It never lasts long ; always just a matter of time before the real darkness makes itself known in whatever good change was happening. So change for me simply doesn’t work out the best . I’m transitioning currently & it’s a wild ride that is exciting, exhilarating and a whole lot more fun than I ever have had on any day. Million dollar question ; Is it worth it?

Someone close to me told me that the world doesn’t know how dark and twisted it gets when I am in my lows mentally. The lengths it takes me to pick myself up from the self induced depression and anxiety I struggle with. That’s why it has me thinking, is this sense of joy & contentment worth it, if at all there stands a chance of me completely falling back to my dark place. Could I be convincing myself that it’s not just a matter of time, that whatever I have going on won’t be my ultimate downfall ?That I may finally have my last straw and loose myself in my own demons if things go wrong at the end. Am I able to pull the plug with my mental state in one complete form or will I be in pieces unrecognizable to even myself?

It scares me. Everything downright scares me shitless. On one hand, I don’t want to not live because I wasn’t strong enough to try and fail or try and win. But I’m also not gonna deceive myself by ignoring the fact that I’m not mentally capable like everyone else. My mind doesn’t function like everyone else’s… Will I need two or three more therapists to get me out of my personal mental hell if I continue giving myself a chance to live without the certainty of the consequences of my actions. I have walls built up so high, you’d think I’m a castle… Is it worth it, peeking out to see if I’ll survive beyond the walls that my mind have convinced me are there to protect me despite being well aware I’m a prisoner instead. It’s a hard risk to take….A very dangerous one too. Asking myself how worth it it is may be the wrong question all together… Maybe what I should be asking is if I can handle it whether I’m in it or not.. ?