I always love the end of an year ,not just because Christmas comes along but also because it gives one the motivation to wanna start on a clean slate for the new year. I’m about to write on how I want to start clean but in an unconventional way. I don’t want to be more happier or less sad. I’ve settled with the part of me that acknowledges that the bridge between my happiness & sadness is what makes me uniquely different. I’m a swinger. Technically we probably all are in life but mine sways a little further from the conventional. I truly do hope that whatever I choose to change in the next year, goes through.. even if it’s just for a little bit.

I’m feeling pumped & energetic at the moment about what I want to change in the upcoming new year. Call them resolutions, I don’t care.. They just have to be effective and gradual. So for starters, I’m DONE getting whack sex🗣🗣….Get that one loud and clear. Like that’s at the top of my list. Being a pushover most times doesn’t allow me to say what I want, how I want it, whether I want it to begin with and when I want it. But I am done letting that be the reason I can’t get mind-blowing sex. No more settling for two minute men or thirty men pumping into me like I’m some bicycle wheel in need of gas. No more of kneading my tits like they some sort of dough that needs baking. I’ll smack someone’s son if they manhandle my body any longer. No wonder I don’t understand the simple concept of self love, at least not when I’m letting someone think my body is some empty vessel. It took me a while to realize I’ve been settling for seconds best in everything because of my stupid need to feel wanted and love/ cared for. Not anymore. If your not worshiping my body like its a sanctuary, don’t fantasize with coming ten feet near it.

Mmmh, that felt good getting it out there.I suppose I’ve never been vocal about my sex life. Yes, this on and off depressed person has a sex life…

Moving on to another change, I have mentioned before that my nice personality has been taken for granted not once by friends and family. I’ve had not one occasion with not one person but different people come late to a scheduled meeting or date we had planned & they have kept me waiting for over two hours. I’ve sat at a restaurant waiting & when they finally show up, I’ve had to swallow down the urge to not beat the person to pulp while struggling to keep my tears down. I thought I was not a patient person until I had to experience this cycle for so long that I’d now say I’m at the edge of it. Not anymore more. New unconventional change of next year, I’ll always be an hour & a half late to any date or meeting, scheduled or not. I will purposely choose to take my sweet time at arriving and if the date I’m meeting has a problem with it ,they can as well leave & be on their way . It will take a toll on me pulling this through because my nature often forbids me to be anything other than nice to people but you know what, I’m done letting people take my good nature for granted. I’ll fight every good bone in my body to never be on time again.

It’s my final year in college & I need to have my head in the game. I don’t want unnecessary bullshit with exs, friends or family. I want to grow a pair of hard steel balls that will allow me to not condone any sort of disrespect ,dishonour or disregard from anyone, even from myself. I need to grow out of my shell, at least enough for the world to not shove me around anymore. I will not condone for my feelings to be deemed irrelevant by anyone, whether your my friend, foe ,family or significant other. I realize I’m writing this with so much harboured anger and pain for every time I’ve never stood up for myself, for every time I’ve cowed and for every time I kept quiet about something I should have spoken up about. The upcoming year is the year I do unconventional things that bring me a sense of contentment . No more nice Mercy. No more pushover Mercy. No more easily teased Mercy. Like my Queen said, ‘suicide before you see this tears fall down my eyes ‘.. I know it won’t be easy but I know it’s not impossible, I walked away from the shackles of a friendship that had dominated my life for the past five years, this won’t be impossible either…