P. S First remotely depressing post alert..
That’s the heads up of the decade. I kinda knew it wouldn’t take long before I cracked open and the true nature of my life came out. I say this with the utmost honesty ,I don’t mind that this side of me is so prevalent to me. I feel the most honest & raw when my mind deviates to the darker side. When I start having very uncharacteristic urges, like the one I have now. Though, I can never be honest enough to speak out loud what the trigger often is, that’s probably my shame and I ain’t one to air that laundry out .
So here I am, very tempted to cut and shed just a little to enough blood to feel alive ,just for the new year. I apologize for sounding like a narcissistic cynic but I don’t apologize for being honest. I wanna talk myself out of it but I feel like its a dead end really… What I really wish I could understand is whether I’m the only mentally unstable person who instead of fighting this damn demons, feel twistedly warm in it. I know, fucked up doesn’t cut out what my mind is and I know it. *chuckles
When I wrote The Bridge I crossed, I lost a part of me that day .Just in case nobody caught up on what I lost that day, I lost my innocence the minute I cut through my wrist for the first time. I lost any innocence that should have allowed me to feel a sense of remorse for myself, pity, strength… *deep sigh. I’m not doing a recap to regain back that innocence, oh I think that ship sank. Nor am I doing it to get pity, I’m only letting anyone who may remotely wish to try understand why I openly talk about my self harm that nonchalantly, see where it comes from. Feeling sick to my stomach about having the urge to hurt myself won’t change that the urge is there every other time when I can’t handle my shit.
Call this twisted but I may never want to completely stop self harming. At least not for as long as I am a mental case. Meaning, when I’m ready to try heal & let go of past traumas. I wish I didn’t find such humour in my pain but there’s not much else I can do. Maybe I need to get back on the therapy, hook ,line & sinker… Did I use that line right??? 😐 I apologize for those who’ll probably find this post disturbing so I’d better likely advice you to not read it if you can’t handle my blunt honesty. Though I don’t apologize for writing it, I just got myself a day more before self harming. *wink