So the first month of the new year is over and this is what I have to say for it. That was utter shit!!! Like Seriously. Despite the fact I can’t remember much of what’s happened over January, maybe since there wasn’t much happening, this is the write down of things that took place over the month that have me feeling like my life is a major piece of shit.
1. This girl has had one to none sex action. Yes, goddammit I said it. I got needs and sex is one of them. Am I embarrassed to say it, slightly yeah but who gives a shit. I’m trying to start being confident enough to ask for what I want and here’s my first try at it. I need my occasional dose of dick or else I’ll snap with the pent up frustration coursing through me .
PS. I’m not being comical about this one ,I’m damn serious.
2. I’m having a beginner’s life crisis. I completely and utterly have no idea where my life is headed. I prior wasn’t really bothered by it but hell, now I feel like I practically don’t know shit of where I wanna be in the next six months after I’m done with school. I’m internally panicking here and don’t no jack shit on where to start. What on earth do people do after school, probably get a job but that’s not what I want. I know I wanna continue with school for my degree but since when do things ever go my way, so that’s a maybe. I’ve recently started questioning whether I’m even in the right course, this steming from my not so very stable mental state. Can’t even get my own mind to think straight, how am I honestly supposed to help anyone else think right….Are you seeing what I mean,,,,…serious begginers life crisis. I turn twenty two this year & this is what I’m having to deal with…🙆🏾3. January is known around to be the worst financial month cause people are broke on not so funny levels. This was that month for me. I hate not having enough money, just like any other normal human being. This time round, it just wasn’t the manageable kind of broke, to top it off with every other life crisis I have going on. I just couldn’t with this month, couldn’t cut me some slack.
4. For this problem, I only have this much to say. Men/ pubescent boys are nothing but utter SHIT!!! No sugar coating it, I’m saying it as I feel it. This is for every single reason the men in my life have given me a damn grey hair. I wish I could cuss them out more for their lack of emotional understanding & just downright cluelessness of their shortcomings as men, as spouses, as friends, as humans & as significant others. So this, this is for all y’all men who just ain’t being good enough right now and still don’t have a clue. PS. Please read this specific paragraph in Ricky Thompson’s voice. He would surely do this justice and I wrote it with his voice in mind.
5. Probably the last of my problems that I can recall felt too real in January, is Kobe’s death. This was just the cherry to the mother fucking cake that was the month of January… To say the month ended in a tragedy would be understatement cause this was just on a different kind of level of misery. Still very much is; too raw. Kobe’s and his daughter Gianna’s death really took a toll on me. It was a trigger for me on the loss of my mama and I was just a wreck at the beginning of this week. It’s crazy that it’s just been a week but my emotions have me feeling like its been longer. I cried on hearing of this death & crying is the one thing I don’t do. It felt like a flood had been unleashed & I just couldn’t feel strong at that moment. In a week, I mourned for a total stranger and his family because I know what that kind of pain they will continuously feel for the rest of their lives. It got so real for me that I relapsed on my self harm. I just needed to curb the pain & I did it the only fastest way I could before it swallowed me whole. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Kobe and Gigi for through their death, we connected.
And so, there you have the run down of my not so nice first month of the year 2020. I have no bigger hopes for Feb, I just want the relief of not feeling as vulnerable as January had me feeling. No more deaths & maybe a little bit more money. Men will always be shit so there’s not much that can be done about that. I’ll probably have the beginners crisis for a while, till I can figure out what’s next for me. Can’t say if I’ll be getting any sex anytime soon… The universe just could decide its no dick for me this February, who the fuck knows…