I’m not sure whether people often do this but it recently feels like I’ve been blind siding myself with what I want when it comes to those who intentionally if not accidentally fall in love with me. Nobody ever tells you it’s hard to be true with what you want or expect… to be upfront with your expectations & needs from others. They never tell you that you may feel guilt, shame, fear & doubt in the midst of asking for what feels deserving to you. Well I guess I may not necessary be speaking on everyone’s behalf. For those like me, some of us are just grateful enough to have someone care for us, even if it’s not necessarily in the way we would have liked.So here I am, about to say what I hardly ever allow myself to express in the open. If you fall in love with me, I need you to know that I’m a wreck inside. It might not be the best first thing to know, but I need you to be aware of it. I’m not broken or at least I don’t think I am, but I am slightly damaged though not too far gone that I won’t want to sink in your love, for I’ll pour out mine in torrents. Brace yourself for the constant show of care I’ll give you. I’m a caregiver, a lover and I’ll always want to be your friend even if we are not together. A whole lot of times, I’ll be selfless & put you first, even if it’s on my expense. A part of me is drawn to the dark & I’ll need you to love those parts of me too. I’ll need you to be patient with those parts of me that will reflect a hollow pit inside me that’s exactly that, a part of me. You may never understand it or wrap your head around it, but it will still need you. My demons aren’t pretty, but they can love too.I don’t want to tell you the obvious things. I want to let you in on the unconventional parts of loving me. I want you to see the dark before ever being exposed to my light. You’ll give up, won’t be the first either way but you’ll stand a chance to be the odd one out, for I’ll show you the tarnish before the good. Your love will be questioned, it’ll be put to the test of how resilient it is against the demons in my head. I don’t need you to try fix me, I need you to learn to accept them. The greatest battle you’ll face with loving someone like me, will not just be sticking around, it’ll be accepting my scars, both from the past, present & the future.Just as I expect sincerity from you, I’m obligated to give you the same. Your love might need to be strong for the both of us ,at least at the start. I might need to clutch on it before I’m able to get a bearing of how to manoeuvre around. I don’t feel good enough on a lot of times & your reassurance will be appreciated. That’s the only part of I allow myself to be selfish with. Vulnerability doesn’t come easy, I’ve not been given reason prior to be open with it. Don’t blame yourself if for my hesitation, I believe that if your love shakes up my ground, my heart will know that it’s finally ready to let you in. Don’t walk away, don’t close your eyes; they say if love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. ..and finally, if I do fall right back in love with you, you’ll be my world. Even when I’m a wreck, even when I feel torn, you’ll be all I’ll want. My love will come with my heart, my soul ,my body & maybe, just maybe, we can tame my mind together. I’ll fall in love with every part of you, the beautiful, the dark, the scared, the happy, I’ll want to be a part of everything you are willing to let me. We don’t need to be real in this reality, you & I can be real in my fantasy.

6 thoughts on “If you fall in love with me..

  1. Im not even sure how I ended up here … I think the picture of the woman by the water stopped me in my tracks. Hope it’s ok if I share it in my social media pages. … I know many who will be affected by it. I read several of your posts. I started with you crossing the bridge and then one before to find context and then a few after to try and understand your message … I have a personal understanding of darkness and vulnerability and just wanted to say to you, as I would if you were right in front of me, that your journey and the steps you take matter. You matter. Broken, unbroken, lost, found, light, dark … it’s all a part of it. Being isn’t easy and probably never will be, but being you is a process. Step by step and day by day. Not sure who I’m writing this to, but my heart tells me you are worthy. Worthy of love, kindness and respect. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I loved reading what you wrote. Authenticity is beautiful. All my best. Appreciate ya – Michael 🦋

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