After all this time, I cannot pin point of everything that possibly sets my heart on fire. Iām certain though that it should be something that has my heart racing & my adrenaline pumping. At least thatās what I believe I feel when Iām in that head space where Iām peacefully chaotic and excited over an overwhelming feeling. We all have that something that tips you over ;that has you feeling euphoric.
Music sets my heart on fire.. Clicheā really but Iāve gotta be normal in some form, right?? So yeahā¦ When you get that jam that hits your soul to the root and it just sorta drowns you in it & virtually brings you into a different mental dimension where itās just you & the lyrics of the song & the rhythm that just makes you feel like youāre floatingā¦ We all probably have geners of music we all feel we relate to and that hits different from the rest. Could be rock, indie music, jazz, opera, hip-hop, soul, country ā¦I for sure can drown in country music & aesthetic soul music.. the latter being where I truly feel like Iām in my truest form of nature. Technically, for those who canāt necessarily pin point what kind of music it is Iām rambling about is in lame manās language, depressing music. Music that mellows one out and has one completely feeling chill & melancholic. Yes, itās sad but I canāt help myself. š
Not to delve further into any the ādepressive shitā in my life ..I know I never talk about my canvas often but I love the feeling or in this case, the high I get from getting new ink. Itās euphoric for me to go through the entire process of feeling it skim through my skin and form a beautiful artistic reminder of something significant to me. But for this year, I chose to take a time off on getting anymore ink, for more or less personal reasonsā¦as I said before, thereās not much that I can say truly sets my soul on fire but Iāve come to learn that it doesnāt have to necessarily be common or good. Iāve spoken before about my affiliation to pain and I know it hardly makes sense to anyone. I wouldnāt necessarily say itās meant to make sense but it sorta does for me. I donāt wanna have to delve into my reasons for why pain doesnāt always have to be wrong. Iāve survived through it, I believe itās been a part of me long enough for me to say itās not easy to detach from. It puts me at a crossroads where itās not easy to feel. Itās heavy, It weighs on you. Then thereās a similar though different part of me that just is drawn to it. Itās a hard concept to wrap around in oneās mind of how anyone would be drawn to it.
Looking at my past now, I understand in my own twisted way why in itās own sense itās appealing and such a drowning feeling. This at all isnāt meant to glorify self harm in any shape or form. That is an entirely different spectrum of pain that isnāt pretty & holds no pride at allā¦.Do I wish I didnāt feel this drawn to it, not really. You can call a consolation that those nitty-gritty aspects of myself are what have built the character & personality I have. It may not be conventional or the norm but as the saying goes, normal sucks.
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you like, be it music, pain, or waffles. Everyone is wired differently, which is pretty dang cool when you think about it. I think where people can become concerned is when they see something that is self harm as opposed to being for pleasure. Violet Tchotchke, an American DRag performer is very open about her indulgence and appreciation of pain. I love her attitude towards it ā it works for her, and if it doesnāt work for you, no big deal.
Oh my Dear ā I hope you are well and safe during this utter madness. Weāre doing OK, although I would love to have 24 hours of alone time and quiet!
Thanks love.. Iām doing fine. Here we have curfew at seven in the evening till six in the morning. We are struggling but pushing through. Please do take care always, with love, Dawn.
Iām kind of hoping for curfew ā some people still arenāt taking this mess seriously.
Keep writing and inspiring others, interacting with us digitally, and finding more about yourself. Heaven knows that introspection and acceptance are pretty much a given. (Wow! I can actually hear birds, not traffic. Talk about surrealā¦)
Iāve known several people in my life who have really enjoyed pain. They knew their limits, they explored, they trusted. Is that for everyone? Mm ā no. On the other hand, itās brought some of them very close and created loving bonds that are as unique as they are. Itās all good.
**hugs**
Thatās nice that you can now have a sense of peace and quiet. Though I do hope we resume back to our sense of normalcy soon. Pain for me is a broad feeling, I feel like I derive it a lot, even in moments of happiness. I allude it to my anxiety but itās usually what I feel a lot like myself
..Iām still trying to understand it all. Itās hard getting a grasp of my emotions, they are all too overwhelming. My sister just broke a cup I bought, considerably it was an accident on her part but Iāve felt so overwhelmed with anger and frustration, Iāve nearly lost it, I actually would have self harmed just so I donāt have to feel so heavy. My breathing has changed and it has completely screwed over the sense of normalcy I was in. Iām trying to calm myself as we speak.