Cigars 🚬 & a little bit of sadness..

Can one have an actual person as an alter ego? Think about that as I think about where I’m headed with is. I was just scrolling through the instagram handle of a girl who if I’d have the chance, I’d choose to be my alter ego. I won’t go into details of what her name is, but I will let you in on possibly why she’d fit the role.

It’s hard to be different and not truly have an understanding of what kind of different you are. It’s a complex concept. I never want to be ‘different ‘…this being the kind where everyone believes they have that outstanding aspect of themselves that makes them ‘cooler or unique ‘…This isn’t a matter of me thinking that I’m better than everyone else, no, I’m just tired of regarding myself as anyone else who believes they are ‘different ‘.

I had an okay childhood ,at least long enough for the universe to decide I didn’t need to be a child anymore. Mmmh, well, you know how that goes…and anyway, childhood is overrated, or so the universe thought, at least in my case though. I can see where the damage comes in, where I developed my significant ‘difference’ by me not being at all understanding towards the concept of death & therefore choosing to live in the sorrowful excuse I call my life. Now, all I find pleasure in is in trying to gauge how sad I can be in a day & how long I can hold on to it. Sadness doesn’t have to necessarily take me to the grave, despite my insistent need to feel it constantly as a part of myself. That’s how I chose what kind of different I wanted be.

I shouldn’t fancy having a cigar between my lips right now, but I do. At least my mind caught up early on getting ink, though I probably should have a lot more ‘tough’ rather than cute canvas on my skin. You know, I gotta match the personality. Maybe get high everyday, though that’s a little bit cliché since everyone’s doing it. It’s part of the ‘different’ I’d rather not be a part of. Alcohol too. It’s just not my kind of style…My alter ego seems to have a couple of those ‘not my kind of different’ characteristics but I don’t blame her for it. We all gotta be cliché at some point. Maybe what I want to pick from her is her ability to make sadness beautiful & accepted. Her lyrical genius is one that’s to drown in. So you know, maybe even I have a little cliché in me, I’m human after all.

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