It’s time to FLOAT 🍃

I probably should not apologize but I really have this insistent need in me to say sorry for how depressing I make whoever reads my blogs. I can officially say I’m currently on the train to depressed ville. I wanna blame it on the quarantine and the covid -19 but I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s a whole lot more than that. I’ve always thought that maybe the true reason I can never seem to get out of my ‘depression haze’ is cause it’s a part of me, that’s it’s a personality…That maybe I was just a melancholic in nature and that’s why I could truly never untangle myself from feeling low every other time. It never once crossed my mind that I could have a condition that has my mind stuck between two mental states …

It truly has me scared now to know what people who’ve read my posts think concerning why every entry of mine is downright depressive to read. I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t matter to me what my readers think about my post but that’s not the case.. I do care that maybe everyone else could see that it’s a whole lot more than just being a melancholic & that maybe I’m just bipolar. There, I’ve said it. I needed to say it to confirm that it’s what that’s been racking my mind. That maybe, just maybe, I’m bipolar.

As a learning counselor psychologist, I should be well aware that self diagnosis is not appropriate but it’s hard when a lot of the signs finally start making themselves clearer to you. I just had a conversation with my therapist and she confirmed to me that it has crossed her mind that I could be it.. I don’t want to say it; feels like if I do I may just be manifesting it. I’m scared shitless with the thought that it could be true. I feel like I’ll loose a whole part of myself that thought that maybe, just maybe I could be ‘normal’. This being in the sense that I won’t have to feel the looming anguish & sadness that’s a hovering cloud in my mind. That I’d finally get over everything that haunts me & live a somewhat happy life. The thought of carrying this for the rest of my life is heartbreaking.

Now, here I am, about to apologize all over again for this not so subtle depressing post. I now have to wait till all this is over so I can see a psychiatrist & confirm if I have it. I truly hope y’all are coping better than I am, I just need to stay mentally afloat & not sink.


One response to “It’s time to FLOAT 🍃”

  1. *hugs*
    There’s nothing wrong being bi-polar. It’s just something that happens to some of us. I look at it like I still have some mood swings and ups and downs, but they aren’t where I don’t sleep for a week, or rearrange the whole house, only to burn out halfway through. Mania sucks – and when it becomes anxiety (pulling the car over multiple times because you’re sure there’s someone else in the car to slit your throat) it sucks worse. And then the falls become more epic, where sitting for 2 weeks sobbing seems right. If that’s part of who you are, it is manageable. It took me until my late 40s to believe and into 50s for the right medications.
    The right meds are the ones where you still feel like you, you don’t feel like someone else, or all off to one side. I’m so pleased you’ve talked to your therapist, and are looking at what may be the underlying issue.
    As for the COVID… well, it’s changing the world. I hope for the better, maybe making people kinder or less quick to judge. In the meantime, we persevere.

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