Allow me not to be āremotely perfectā right now. To not be articulate with my words for Iām certain I donāt have the right words to express exactly what Iām going through. Iāve racked my mind and sort through it of ways to express what I am constantly feeling but Iāve come short of words. Ironic really cause words are always all I ever have.I canāt afford the standards I usually often put for myself whenever I write. I canāt promise Iāll complete this post or that itāll make any sense or that itāll mean anything at all. Iām just taking a shot at hoping that whatever I pour out will slightly ease the emptiness & hollow feeling thatās becoming of me. I wish I was numb. I truly do. I wish I wasnāt feeling or itching or urging for the things that are enveloping me right now. I feel wrong, I feel torn & more now detached from reality than ever before⦠cause this, this shouldnāt be my reality.
Iāve read it over and over again but it gives me no comfort to read āitās okay to not be okayā. I donāt want to not be okay. I donāt want to find comfort from accepting that I feel destroyed. I donāt want to feel any comfort anymore in my pain. No words known to me can measure up to what I feel. None can describe how paralyzed I feel & how immobilized my state of mind is.Iāve thought that maybe if I could rip off my hand, Iād have nothing left to hurt. That if I could finally chop it off, itāll kill the urge to constantly look at my self inflicted scars. Or that maybe if I wrap them up, Iāll no longer have to feel the ridges everytime I graze my palm on my wrist. Iām trying, Iām battling but I canāt promise Iām winning.
So to conclude whatever this post is, Iām breathing through surviving. Iām a shell of myself & a lot of the questions I have tried asking myself as to how to get out of this, I have no answers to. I hope itās no burden to anyone who reads this. Itās heavy, like every other feeling in my life and I would hate to burden anyone else with my being. So I apologize. I apologize that Iām a š of who I hope to be.