Dear Depression ,I canāt begin to imagine how many times youāve received letters from others whoāve been acquainted with you. I wish Iād say it didnāt bug me that others have felt you in some form or way but it surely does. I am never ready or excited to share or hear of other peopleās encounters with you, it unnerves me for some reason. Iām yet to figure out exactly why. I wish I was somewhat prepared with bullet points on what iād wanna say to you but i honestly donāt have a plan on how to do this. You do that to meā¦ render me speechless & drain me of any strength that Iād have put into making some sort of effort, at anything technically. But Iām not mad at you, on the contrary, youāve been the longest underrated relationship Iāve been in for the better part of my life. You maintained consistence even without always being at the fore front of my mind. I felt you way long before I understood what you were or what you represented. Then, you preyed on my naivety on the lack of articulation & appropriate description of what you did to me ; on what you made me feel. I always just thought I was an akward, sad and lonely kid while all along, you planted your seeds in me and watered them over the years until you were strong enough to sprout out of the ground that was /is my mind.
I donāt honestly need an answer for why you chose me, or why you altered my personality to match the aesthetics of your nature. It wouldnāt make sense to seek such an answer since I wouldnāt know who Iād be werenāt it for your meddlingā¦and anyway, you have never been one to explain yourself ,you thrive on the uncertainties you give. What a lot of people donāt understand is that you are limitless, it should be explainable since you are a guest to many. I canāt elaborate on your whereabouts while dealing with other people, no, you have made certain that you are the center of my attention & are rooted as a part of me whereby seeing & living beyond you is downright impossible.
When I said youāve stuck around for a while itās because you have been there for as long as I can recall. You were there when I couldnāt explain why I felt this immense sadness inside me to my mother. You watched in the shadows as I struggled to bring to sense to her that I was feeling everything different from every other child around me. That I was scared, anxious & the least carefree. Youād just started to wrap your arms around me for it was just a matter of time before youād fully have to engulf me. Before long ,you made yourself known to me, you came to me in the face of grief, anguish & an Inerasable sadness that became the beginning of your true manifestation in my mind. You carried me in your arms & sunk me under. You sunk deeper in me and built a wall behind my thoughts & feelings where it was only ever gonna be you and I. Eight years down, you and I have created a history so deeply inbedded, itās turned to a maze.
ā¦you are no longer just an overhwelming sadness that pops up when I canāt handle the gravity and the intensity of my emotions. You are the face of the grief I feel when I miss my mum. You are the face of the sorrow I feel when I get paralysed in my mind as a fourteen year old girl whoās every dream with her mum got shattered after I learned that Iād have to live without her for the rest of my life. Depression,you are the face of the constant fear & anxiety that engulfs me over not being good enough for anyone, even for myself. The face of the abandonment issues that plague me everytime I make a friend or have a lover. You are the face of the shame I carry every time I have to bandage up my cuts so I donāt have to feel them, let alone see them. You depression are the face of the self destructing habits Iāve picked up on everytime I canāt deal with the betrayal from my mindā¦
As of now, I canāt tell if you are my fiend or my friend. Sometimes you are all it takes to remind me that I am human & that as much as I try to escape pain, Iām rendered in it. So for now, you are my face, you are my demons & for all I know, you might be me for the rest of my life.
7 responses to āA letter to my limitless friend..šā
Just say it: āIām in love with my depression.ā
Huh! no ,iām notā¦š
Would you believe that when you did, chances are you could get rid of it?
I donāt think I understand what you mean?
Before going in to that, maybe itās best to let me know what you think of the following, one of the many snippets I wrote concerning what is called mental health/illness:
>>> When I sit with a client, Iām struggling more with myself than with the clientās problem. I ām convinced that to be of any help I must sincerely try to step into my clientās unique bubble, his/her way of thinking, looking at the world, and what have you, and not give in to the temptation to label, classify, or judge that person along my own or silly DSM standards. And thatās hard. Itās hard to leave my own bubble, to at least find an overlap between hers/his and mine. But itās possible with a client whose background is close to mine. The more we are apart, the more the odds are not in our favor. If I succeed though, I feel great, on top of the world, energized, and ready to challenge the stupidity of all the generalizations made by these self- proclaimed experts of human behavior. And so does my client. Itās great NOT to be labeled bi-polar, ADHD, depressed, OCD, or any other ādisorderā, as they all are based on what large groups of people consider normal, where ānormalā depends on how many people agree with and/or display a certain kind of behavior, and not on some kind of scientifically found truth.
Itās exciting and liberating to find a person whoās able to interact with you, who genuinely wants to tackle your problems, who doesnāt shy away from calling you a liar and a coward, whoās not afraid to show you his/her own shortcomings, whoās ready to stand beside you, and whoās not presenting him/herself as the smartass doctor or therapist who knows it all but is your friend and ally. Yes, to hell with the protocols, the established treatments, the hiding behind a desk, the refusal to connect, and the impotence of relating to another human being!
NOT labeling is more helpful to address the clientās problem(s), than to put him/her in a box created by people who never even met her/him and consequently subject that person to standard treatment. But the latter is what happens most of the times. Itās one of the reasons why the results of psychotherapy often resemble the flipping of a coin. <<<
And in case you would want to read more about my way of thinking and working, then read:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/psychotherapy-water-roald-michel/
Of course you also could scroll a bit in my FB-page.
Take care.
I think itās a lot harder than it seems to fully penetrate someoneās mind regardless of how close your backgrounds areā¦ Therapist /psychologists arenāt meant to relate with their clients, they are meant to help them find a sense of normalcy despite the mental struggles their patients are undergoing. For you to somewhat step into a clientās mental bubble, youād have to feel exactly what they are feeling, be triggered by the same exact things and a whole lot moreā¦ The diversity of it is incomprehensible.
Re: āTherapist /psychologists arenāt meant to relate with their clientsā¦..ā Would it surprise you if I told you that I disagree with that statement? But maybe ārelateā has a different meaning for you when compared to mine. For me it means there should be chemistry between the client and me. If there is none, then no therapy.
Re: āā¦ā¦.they are meant to help them find a sense of normalcy despite the mental struggles their patients are undergoing.ā Normalcy? What does that mean? If itās what I wrote about it in my previous comment, I disagree again.
Re: āā¦ā¦.youād have to feel exactly what they are feelingā¦..ā Exactly? You think that would even be possible?