Lonely in & outta my mind…

I keep racking my mind on what I wanna say or write about because I sincerely need to let out some not so deserved loneliness… But before I do, I just got a notification that my stats are booming which is amazing. I am extremely grateful for all who take their time to read my depressing once in a while nice post. It means a lot. I hope it brings awareness to mental health and the struggles that I among millions experience. Thank you again, I hope through this post that it gives people the motivation to reach out, especially for those who understand personally what I talk about when I tell y’all my mental struggles ,I need all the friends I can get it. Things have been tough and it would be amazing to have people reach out that understand on a personal basis what it means to battle with your mind on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean that for those who haven’t experienced mental struggles can’t reach out, no, on the contrary I appreciate all those who send encouraging messages and reply’s to my post, you are all amazing human beings and I appreciate all your support. You are all wonderful people.It feels good having put that out there. I think it’s probably the most positive train of thought I’ve had all day. I traveled home after a very long while of being trapped in Nairobi (capital city of Kenya). Due to covid -19, we were on lock down for nearly four months and it took a major toll on my mind cause I had every intention of traveling home which is in the suburbs but got locked in where I reside. I wanna say it was a major trigger for me for my depression over the last couple months. So I’m finally home but why do I still feel like shit? Before my mental health plummeted, I knew I’d have rather been at home anyways because home has always been a haven for me. I have never had a bad experience before, I’ve never had the bouts of depression that I get so I knew that coming home would be a good thing. Well, things didn’t go exactly as planned. I never traveled home ,I fell into depression & now I’m on antidepressants .It has been four days since I traveled home and I can say I’m still in the gutter. I can’t deny that I had hoped that travelling home would slightly lift my moods but honestly, I feel no different from what I felt in the last post I wrote. I’m miserable in this loneliness that I can’t seem to shake off. I guess I should have seen it coming since the difference with the prior times I have been home is that now I have meds in my system that weren’t exactly there before. I don’t know what to do with myself to be honest .I feel knocked down & just beaten to the point where I feel like I no longer have purpose. I wanna convince myself that it’s just the antidepressants causing the depressive moods but I feel like I don’t know who I was before the depression. No-one tells you about the lonely hollow feeling one gets while under ‘unconventional medicine ‘.When I talk of lonely I mean that you could be in a crowd of many but as long as none of them are feeling the same turmoil & mental instability that is racking your mind, none of them will come close to understanding what it’s like to no longer feel like living. I just want to feel peace again within myself without having the worry that it will be just a matter of time before I loose it again. I’m trying to find the will in me to continue living, even if it’s just for my loved ones. The inadequacy coursing through me is so overwhelming. I don’t even have enough words to express how exhausted I am. Therefore I’m gonna end it here, hoping that I find the will to live and find my spirit back. I hope to see some light in the midst of the dark. I don’t want to die, I just want my life as I know it to end.

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