So a minute or so ago, I was thinking that maybe it would be a cool idea if everytime I wrote a post, I should probably tell y’all a random thing about myself. Not sure if it’ll reduce the mystery around me 😅, that’s if it’s at all existent…I could be very well flattering myself here but anyways. The said random fact that brought this idea to mind is that my favourite ice cream is plain vanilla. I understand that most people go crazy with their ice cream flavours & toppings but I’ve never really seen the appeal to having one too many flavours all meshed in my mouth. My taste buds wouldn’t like the confusion of it. I’ve actually always taken a secret pride in loving plain vanilla. It’ll probably sounds silly but the reason for my ice cream preference is cause I’ve always perceived myself as a simplistic person hence my reason for liking a singular type & taste of ice cream. I probably sound extremely corny & cliché saying that so I’m gonna stop there with my not so impressive personal facts about ice cream.. 😅I feel obligated to tell you my readers that I have been relatively in a balance for the last couple days which is a good thing, I think. This meaning that I’ve felt what I’d call a resemblance of normalcy which I haven’t had for over four months now. I take regard of this feeling of obligation cause this is the same platform where I’ve released every bit of my depression and pain out to the world. My actual world may not see it as clearly as I express it here, in my blog, therefore anyone who has ever taken their time to read & have a sense of concern over my mental health is deserving to know when my mind is striving to regain a sense of peace.Not to rain on my own parade but I am so conflicted on what to feel about my new found sense of normalcy… where my days aren’t racked by depression, self harm & possible suicide ideation. The sense of normalcy being, I may not be at the very perfect place in my mind but I can live through a day without having to wanna rip myself apart. I’m conflicted over whether to feel happy or scared shitless over the fact that I’m no longer fully immersed in my own little dark bubble which has been home for me for so long. In less complicated words, I don’t know if feeling better is a good thing or a bad thing. I at first thought that the reason I wasn’t acknowledging how different I was beginning to feel was because I didn’t want to jinx it but now I’m no longer sure if that’s a convincing reason. I’ve heard it before… That it’s not easy to accept recovery from a mental illness. Over my years in therapy, it’s been identified that I’m very attached to my pain & my depression. From the very act of owning & acknowledging it as my own. I’ve been told by therapist that I cradle my depression like I’d cradle a baby. I don’t want to believe that this could possibly be what I’m doing in this exact stage of the beginning of me recovering but it’s hard to deny that I’m scared to feel anything different from what I’ve been accustomed to. I honestly don’t know where my emotions lie right now when it comes to the changes I can feel happening.A part of me believes that the change in my mind is as a result of the three weeks I was on antidepressants. I wanna convince myself that they helped despite how hard & mentally exhausting it was for me to take them. I’m supposed to start on a different dosage of antidepressants & maybe I am just a tad bit too eager to get on them than I should want to be. I shouldn’t want to take them but a part of me feels that I need them. The twisted part of me that needs the chaos and the turmoil to feel like my usual ‘normal ‘ self… in pain.In conclusion, I think that I’ve probably rained and crushed on the initial parade I had of me being better.. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone. I wanna convince myself that this is just part of the recovery, the part which feels like a withdrawal of some sort. That the feeling & yearn to go back to the dark parts of my mind is just a minor setback.

One thought on “Conflicted simplicity… 🌪

  1. As strange as it may sound, but what you experiencing now I saw happening time and again in my practice. When standing before the threshold to enter a new and yearned for episode of their life, many hesitated to step over it, and chose to stay where they were. They told me, they were afraid not feeling well at all in a world they say they (allegedly) had been fighting for. It’s like an evil addiction. They condemn it, but can’t live without it. However, there are also those (a minority) who step over it indeed, and I never saw them stepping back. Maybe you are one of those? My answer? While my knowledge of you is limited to what you have shared in your blog stories, I would have no problem betting you are.🎲 🎯

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