I’ll try keep this as short as I can cause honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this…I just know that I’m in the middle of chaos that I need to find a way or a means out of. When I feel like I’ve probably felt enough in conjunction to how low my mental struggles can take me, I’m reminded that I’m falling into a bottomless pit. Honestly, I’m at a war and I can’t ascertain to whether I’m winning or losing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it always feels like I’m drowning but the difference this time round is that something keeps pushing me further down into the water ; I’m suffocating on the chaos that’s raging in me. I’m battling as it is to simply put to words how much turmoil I’m feeling but I feel like the harder I try to emerge out of it, the harder it is getting for me to breathe…like I’m having a panic attack but nobody else can see it cause it’s behind my eyes. Even as I write this, my breathing is laboured & I honestly just wish I could scream out the turmoil. The scariest thing out of all of this, I don’t know why I’m drowning…Tonight I’d have stopped the chaos, even if it’s just for a little while. I wanted to, I had every intention to. Sadly, in the only way I know how. Depression for me is taking an entirely new height..one I’m not sure I’ve been to before. One that’s paralyzing and crippling; I don’t know how to calm the hell that is coursing through me. I feel psychotic cause the world around seems entirely oblivious to the war that’s waging in my mind. I’m a breathing shell of the person I’m meant to be. I wanted to hurt myself, it was the plan a few minutes ago but somewhere along the line, I’m convinced it truly won’t make a difference. I no longer seek pity or remorse over the fact that I cope the way I do. Self harm keeps me more alive than I can attest to. It may be just another slash to my wrist or another scar to the collection but it’s sadly how chaos has me surviving. I don’t want to die but my spirit might not be strong enough to pull through this battle. It’s petrifying to think that there just might not be a way out of this. If I could choose death tonight, it would be outta of the utter helplessness that is coursing through me at this very moment. The feeling of having no hope whatsoever is like a blanket wrapped tightly around me to the point of slowly suffocating every bit of air inside me. I want to pick myself up from this shackles tied around my mind, I just truly don’t know if I’m strong enough to break free. Where would I even start? My spirit feels a lot like its been trampled over, fully decimated. I’ve got no hope & will left in me. The light in me is slowly dwindling. Your probably wondering why can’t I ask for help. It’s hard to see hope from others when it’s pretty non existent in yourself. Not to sound ungrateful but I don’t believe there’s much anyone could do for me anymore. At least not until I find strong enough will to help me back up & help myself fight for my better state of mind.

One thought on “Loosing..

  1. Re: “Where do I even start ?” Like the ones from which you shared the pictures (David Altmejd and Clara Lieu), you did already. So keep writing. Let it all out. You’re great at that.

    Just b4 I noticed your new posting, I answered a lady (Helen) on her comment on my FB posting from last night. I wrote:

    >>> I was taught to not show too much of what was boiling inside me. My teachers said, it could hurt me if I did. Little did they know. And you know what, Helen, these idiots are not alone. Our society is infested with these creeps, teaching crap like that. It’s one of the reasons why so many people later on start suffering from depressions, and other sad mental issues.

    So having said that, it became clear to me that an old Dutch saying has more value than the nonsense vomited by all these mainstream educators: Maak van je hart geen moordkuil 👿 <<<

    If you want to read more of this stuff, and find out how I'm trying to deal with all the current shit going on in my life, with feeling frozen, and not knowing what to do, then go and stroll through my FB page.

    As for 'hope"? I wrote many times about that. For me it has no value. I don't want to sit, wait, and depend, for something to happen in my life, brought to me by other people.

    Keep writing!

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