Just like everything else I do different, this isn’t a conventional letter to you. It may as well be an apology for I feel I should be sorry for the failed attempt to be you, to attain the likes of you. I should be You but I sadly haven’t achieved that yet. It’s all but a hope that some day I will.
Like a ripple in still waters, you are a blur to my reflection. Tucked behind the walls of my mind, entirely unknown to anyone. Still very much just a concept of who I should be and not what I am. You are intertwined with my dreams & hopes of who I wish I could become. Like a living torment, you are a just but a vision of who I wish I wasn’t scared to become. I easily get lost in merely just envisioning what it’d be like to exist as you.
You’re the girl who should be, and not me. I feel like I owe you an apology for not fulfilling you as my potential. I’m sorry for my failed attempts to grow into you. You deserve to be a whole lot better than everything I’ve made you out to be to the world. Life for you should never have to feel like a bargain for everything. A bargain with God, a bargain for love & attention or even a bargain with me not to possibly destroy what’s left of me. You deserve to feel deserving of everything great and at the back of my mind, I know we are deserving, I’ve just never felt ready to fight for those great things for myself. You deserve better than a body that reeks of fear. Like a permanent stench, it’s stuck to me. It’s what has grown so much, enough to never bring you into exsistence. I apologize for all its done is hold me back from actualizing into the girl who should be and not the girl that is. The fear of rejection has stopped me from becoming you; a loving wild child, with no inhibitions or stresses over things beyond her control. It’s this same fear that has me willing to take unrequited love from just about anyone. I know we deserve better than that…a whole lot better.
God knows you deserve to be…. You deserve to live a life that doesn’t hold you back from feeling happy and not just the kind of happiness that is with everyone else. You deserve the out of this world kind of happiness that pours out of your soul in torrents. You deserve to hear yourself say the word Happy without it weighing heavy on your conscious.
Like I said, this letter is a lot more of an apology, for you deserve better. You deserve more than the ungraceful hands that have tainted the most intimate parts of our body. I have no defense for that fault to our body that instead should have known nothing less than adoration & glorification. I apologize for my reckless need to feel a sense of intimacy & validation, especially from all the wrong people. You deserve a skin not marred by my self inflicted scars… A conscious mind loving enough to know it doesn’t need to feel pain to feel alive. You deserve the kind of flaws viewed as beautiful to the world where one is capable of falling in love with you just cause of those said flaws. Your spirit should be filled with will & purpose… not one that takes time to break itself down at every waking chance it gets. You deserve a spirit so unforgiving and unrelenting at achiving everything it wants and desires. One willing to take risks and venture into terrifyingly exhilarating fields.
I can’t ascertain if this letter expresses a dime of how much I wish things were different and that you were here rather than me. To the girl who should be, you deserve more than just a meager letter from me, you deserve a step at proving myself worthy of becoming You. I’m sorry I’m not sure how to achieve everything that you deserve but all I can do now is hope to meet you somewhere along the way in our journey. The least I can hope for is that I’ve not entirely ruined the transition of becoming you. That despite everything, there’s still a chance for me to correct and prove myself worthy to bring you into existence without a doubt.
Finally, I need you to know that I don’t expect perfection from you. I’m not looking into becoming perfect or prime & proper. All I hope to achieve is to bring you into being someone I can be proud of. Someone not driven by fear or bargain but one willing to fight for their spot in the world. One filled with everything self love. I may not have that now, just cause you’re yet to actualize but I can all but hope to actualize you as myself & feel worthy of it.