I’m back, in less than two hours. That’s what writers block does to someone, when you start after such a while, you feel like you need to recap everything. So here I am, in a more calmer state of mind, the speediness I was feeling earlier now more simmered down. I’m grateful for feeling it though, it didn’t give me a chance to over think and overly assess whether what I wanted to write was worthy enough for a blog update. It might not have been my vision for a New Year’s blog update but as I’ve come to decide, I don’t need to drastically change things about myself or how I do things just cause of the notion that the new year automatically means everything new. So I will anticipate to change over the year but will try not get myself worked up over it. (que anxiety,”easier said than done “)A lot like everyone else, I have ambitions for what I wanna achieve in the new year. Sounds very business like but it’s just stuff I wanna do to better myself. Like for starters, I wanna get back onto the tattoo wagon. I’d decided at the end of 2019 that I’d take a break from getting any more tattoos over the year 2020 and I actually pulled that off. I’m guessing it was mainly due to how unexpected the year turned out but regardless, I’m grateful I was able to see that decision through. Therefore now, I feel ready enough to start getting new ink and rocking it. My choice of ink previously has always been more of sentimental & special to me but this time round, I wanna do more spontaneous & adventurous kind of ink. My sister tells me that my ink isn’t truly baddas just because it’s too sentimental and emotional; not that I regret any of it, I just think it would be nice to have a few spontaneous tattoos that don’t have to have a sentiment behind them. The sentiment this time could be cause I thought they were cool and aesthetically pleasing to look at. I guess wanting this for me is part of trying to live a little, at least beyond the confines of what is my normal which in the case of tattoos has always been deep sentimental value. I don’t intend to get ink that will be meaningless or that I just got out of a whim but I do want to get ink that years down the line when one of my kids probably wants to get a tattoo of their own, I can tell them that it’s fine and I can show them mine but still explain why I got it in the first place. Even if the explanation is that I thought it was cool. Props to wanting to be the cool mum.
Apart from ink, I might just have finally found a solution that will save me from having to go to the salon every other month and won’t need me to shave off my growing hair. I’ve had short hair since 2018 and from around mid 2019 I quit shaving it and began growing it out again. It has been a tedious task since I have what I believe is type 4C hair, fully African. Not the easiest to grow out and definitely not the easiest to tame. I’ve had an Afro since the beginning of last year and it was a lot but I enjoyed embracing my natural hair. It was liberating in a sense. Now though, I recently started plaiting it out which is fun and all apart from the fact that it’s costly which is mainly one of the reasons I shaved to begin with. But now, I just might have figured out how to have the best of both worlds, have plaited hair and not have to shit a ton of money for it. Temporary Dreadlocks. I acknowledge that I’m possibly late at finding out about them but I think it’s extremely advantageous to have them. I weirdly have never taken a liking to dreadlocks whether permanent or temporary before, until I recently saw someone with them and they looked bombass and it got me thinking of whether it would be a good look on me. So now, I want it to be the next new look for me. Temporary dreadlocks go for at most ten months and all they need is renewal which is cost friendly. It’s truly a win win for anyone. I hope to look good in them and be stress free for those months that I’ll have them on. If I like them and look good in them, they might turn out to be my new normal for a long time to come. (p.s for anyone who’d like to get them, they are also a very protective style for your hair which is what we strive for, ladies especially)
Something else that I feel I’ve had as some kind of resolution for at most two years now is getting over my fear of wearing dresses. I’ve rocked a few dresses over the past two years and I’ve looked good in them, might I say so myself but on most days, my anxiety gets the best of me and my subconscious doesn’t let me leave the house in a dress because I’m extremely self conscious of my body. Being plus size for me is still something I’m learning to embrace; a step at a time. This year though, I truly do want to work on wearing more fitting and pretty dresses; getting my girly girl on. It will take me giving myself quite a few pep talks but I want to get over the fear that everyone is looking at me or that I probably look weird and the shaping of my body isn’t the right one for dresses… It’s a whole lot of insecurities but I wanna overcome them little by little.
At the end of last year, I got to travel to one of my favourite places in Nairobi which is the giraffe center and it’s always fun for me being outdoors especially in nature where I can interact with wild animals. It brought about the need to travel more which I hope to do as well in this new year. I have no specific place I’d want to travel to but I do want to expand my social life beyond the four walls of my house. With me completing school this year, I will probably have too much time on my hands and I don’t want to spend it all copped up in the house, as much as I may be introverted. I want to at least travel locally to new places and create beautiful memories, even meet new people as scary as that may be for me. You can very much say that I have no social life whatsoever and I wanna work on fixing that.
To add on to trying to get a social life, it will probably require me to be less of a loner and mingle more with people. As unbelievable as it is for an introvert, I do want to create new relationships with new Genuine people. Highlight on the word genuine because I honestly rather remain friendless than have fake friends with foul intentions. I’m grateful for those who I have but I’d like to broaden my circle a little. This last couple of months has given me a lot to think about on who I consider true friends and those who have entirely just been draining the life out of me. I’ve had occasions of serious disappointment towards friends I thought had my back but revealed they didn’t and it’s disheartening. I don’t have a number of how many friends I’d like to gain, one would be perfect actually. All I want is a real, raw and genuine friend who’ll have my back and I’ll have theirs. Who’s intentions in my life won’t be based on gaining anything in return but one who will care for my well being as I will for theirs. I know it sounds simple but in the real sense it isn’t. Along the same line of thought, I want to be more expressive of my actual feelings and intentions with people. I no longer want people to assume that just cause I hate confrontation, that I’m okay with being a pushover. I don’t want that shit flying with me again. I’ve been a pushover for so long just because I can’t tell someone that they have pissed me off or that they said something to me that didn’t sit well with me… I need to be comfortable with making others uncomfortable as long as they are aware that I won’t be sidelined or made to feel inferior by their opinions of who they think I am or should be. I’ve gotten immensely hurt by both family and friends dishing out their opinions over shit they shouldn’t have opinions over about myself. So what if I have a few scars, don’t mention it to me just because you think highlighting it will make me feel guilty just cause I put them there.(Trigger warning) My mental health isn’t up for discussion if I haven’t brought it up. I don’t want to discuss it with anyone just to feed their curiousity of how it feels to be a cutter. It’s not anyone’s business, regardless of whoever you think you are to me. So no more taking bullshit this year. I know it won’t be easy just coming right out and being brave enough to confront someone when they make me upset or feel uncomfortable but I sure as hell will try making them aware that it isn’t alright and that I don’t like it. This I promise to myself that I will stand up for myself, even if it means loosing friends and family.
..and finally, this year I intend to better myself at being a writer. It’s a passion of mine and I want to not care about perfecting it but more of being genuine in it and as raw as I can get. Words are magical and it’s relieving and liberating for me when I write. I have a few personal projects I hope to work on this year in terms of writing and you’ll just have to stick around to see, that’s for anyone who likes or enjoys to read what I write.So there we have it, my ambitions for the new year. Resolutions sounds too technical for me therefore mine are ambitions. I will give it everything I’ve got to achieve most if not all of them. I’ll be sure to keep you on the loop, at least for anyone who feels invested.