My 2021 already feels too speedy for my liking. I already want to get everything done in a matter of minutes and it’s getting beyond me too darn fast. I already want to conquer every fear I’ve ever had in life and become an all new ‘perfect’ person in just a matter of a few days and it’s overwhelming. The anxiety to want to be different just because it’s a new year is honestly too nerve wrecking… Does anyone know why this happens? Why there’s this unimaginable pressure to better yourself, sometimes beyond what is possible and realistic just because a new year has started? Not that it’s bad at all to want to start on a clean slate but why have to wait till the beginning of a new year to become everything you want or do everything you feel like you need to accomplish. For me in this case, it feels like I need to create a whole new me and when I think about it, since the beginning of the new year, I’ve been running on high anxiety levels of becoming this sexy baddas looking, more interesting & intelligent, less of a push over and this unbothered girl all in just a matter of five days. I want to change all that I feel has made me less of who I should be into drastically becoming this amazing person of who I think is the epitome of unstoppable. In moments like this is when I get so far over my head because the inadequacy levels I go through sometimes give me major whiplash. Social media doesn’t make it any easier for me. In the past three weeks, I have deleted and re-download instagram more times than I can recall all because of how much pressure it’s put on me to look and live a certain way that the world considers aesthetic and cool. In a few rational moments, I was able to delete it and see how unrealistic I was becoming wanting to live my life in a way so beyond my means, it was ridiculous… but then, I would go a day in without logging into my account and I’d feel like I was missing out on something great like an epiphany of some kind which would then lead me to re-downloading my account all over again only to see that nothing has changed.
All this feels very trippy for me. I have this hope that this new year will somewhat turn out better than the previous year but truly speaking what do I know 😕? All I’ve felt deeply in the past five days of the new year is anxiety, anger, pressure and a tad bit mediocre. Anxiety over the fact that maybe I’m just being over my head in hope that things will for some reason be different. I want to change things about myself that I consider weak and being me, I know it won’t be easy to keep myself on track cause again, I’m a high wired anxiety machine, patience isn’t exactly a strong hold of mine. Anger cause I already feel like a pushover with my sister. She seems to have discovered a means to piss me off everyday over little things and it’s honestly unnerving me to the core. Pressure cause damn, I can’t seem to do anything & everything right. I’ve been feeling so pressured on writing here for a while but every time I’m about to start, I get this feeling of inadequacy and that what I have in mind to write isn’t good enough. Even if what I have in mind to blog about sounds solid, there’s still a flicker of doubt over whether it’s at per with what I consider a good blog update. I honestly can’t deal with this pressures anymore…Mediocre cause I considerably think it’s cliche for me to want to be like those people on social who’s lives seem so put together and fun. Let’s just say I consider myself better than being drawn to what’s on the surface which is entirely just what social media portrays, just what’s on the face value…clearly, I’m not all immune to a bit of mediocrity as it seems. It’s all just too much, feeling all this…makes me want to scream so loud and get it off my chest.
I truly didn’t intend for my first blog update of the year to be a rant about how I seem to have absolutely no inkling of control over myself. It’s sad really 😅 but I do believe I still have 360 days or so to pull myself together and calm the fuck down. I know that I won’t change shit about myself and my situations all in a span of a day or a week, my anxiety may not know it but I sure as hell do. Therefore, I will calm down, and organize myself ( can’t believe I’m shrink’ng myself) and see what I can work on immediately and what I can’t change. I’m possibly aware that I won’t become instagram pretty all in a matter of a few weeks, at least I don’t think I can but I can hope to become pretty enough for myself and to remember that it doesn’t matter to the world who I really am. I just need to know what is good about myself and believe it even if the rest of the world doesn’t. (p.s self confidence and self love are still things I’m trying to get a hang of, not easy just so you know)
So my advice to anyone reading this, it maybe a new year but calm down, it doesn’t have to automatically mean a new version of you, the current version of yourself might just be all you need. Happy New Year folks.