I love when I have this episodes in my mind where my feelings are altered by a memory and it turns into an inspiration for a post and at that very moment I have the perfect words to write and when I start writing, they sorta start fading in my mind and I want to cry. Hope my inspiration for this post doesn’t fade off into the oblivion that is at the back of my mind. Sorry, where are my manners. Hello loves.Well the thought that’s led to this post is more less about pain and what lengths it takes and what its capable of turning you into. I have felt various kinds of pains in my life, all through my life actually.I am sure you have too and what’s life without pain anyway. We all have to feel it sometime in our life. Well for me, sometimes it feels like my life is a constant pain if I concentrate on all the wrong things in it. I guess pain is somehow a part of me.It eventually blended in as a constant emotion for me since losing my mother. It’s just always going to be there.

My very first blog post was probably the first time I have ever been open to talking about pain and in this case my pain but am not here to give a sap story of what kind of pain I went through. I am dwelling more on what the pain led me to doing.I think pain of whichever kind can lead one to being a totally different human being. It alters how you think, how you do things, your dynamic changes and it’s all for one thing. To ease the pain .Even in physical pain ,we take medication to ease the pain and eventually completely get rid of it right?Well in my case, It wasn’t physical pain I had to deal with. My pain was what we would call, emotional I guess. I was dealing with a loss and to top it all off I was in a jealous spree. P.s Highschool friendships will mess you up if you don’t have your mind right, they fuck you up good. I should know 🙁.Anyways,I was in pain and it sucked balls and I like a normal human being sort to deal with that pain. I know that some of the things I might have done to deal with it then won’t justify doing them because a couple of them weren’t right. I went for therapy and just so you know, seeking help when having an emotional or psychology turmoil is not weakness but strength. Therapy was good, it helped me deal with the part of my pain that was in relation to my loss but I had another pain, a pain that had a lot of jealousy in it which slowly grew to hate. Painful hate at that. For that pain, therapy wouldn’t do. I needed to not just ease that painful jealousy but I needed to inflict it on those who caused it. I turned evil if I should call it that, I am not proud of it but then I needed solace and revenge seemed to work out then.I built up my walls by hurting those who hurt me.

Pain knows it’s a gnawing feeling that feeds off your emotional wreckage and it plays your mind. In my case, I let it.I let it lead me and I went to lengths where I even created a virtual person who understood me, like an imaginary friend but she had the face of a real person I picked up from Instagram. I created a whole different set up in my mind of who she was, what she was to me and the main reason was that she would never hurt me like everyone else around me did. She understood me like no other and thinking about her distracted me from my painful jealousy. She was there when the one other person I wanted to be there for me wasn’t. She simply was her replacement and everything I expected my best friend to be, she was. Saying it now makes me think I was really losing it wasn’t I…That’s just the cherry to the cake. I inflicted pain on a lot of other people in shady ways I don’t think they will appreciate finding out about through a blog post so I think I will withdraw the information. Just know I ain’t proud of what I did .

Pain does different things to different people and it affects people in so many ways. I thought my pain from jealousy was petty and it was beyond my understanding how I would stoop so low to feel jealousy for another girl and for a girl. I didn’t think it was normal and I had bigger problems so I underestimated it and boy did it whip my ass. It turned out to be the bigger bitch than the pain I initially felt from my loss. Don’t let pain lead you.It alters your mind and messes you up. You will make bigger mistakes trying to get rid of the pain and you’ll hate yourself after, you know why? Doing what the pain leads you to doesn’t take it away nor does it easen it. Nah,that’s just a distraction .Its feeds off your mistakes.Like when you get drunk when you have a problem and slowly you turn into a shell of a person everytime you get a problem because you drink and drink and eventually you will be drinking even without a problem at hand. That’s just what pain does,feed off your mistakes and it never goes away through doing wrong. Maybe if I hadn’t tried seeking solace from someone who had no clue whatsoever that I needed her there more than anyone else at that specific place and time and that she was the one person I had deviated to from losing my mother, I wouldn’t have felt so betrayed from her not being there for me because she wasn’t at fault. She didn’t know what expectations I had. And maybe if I had told my therapist that I was going through it, we would have had a way around it. Don’t let pain define you like it did me. It defined me once and it took advantage of my instability to make rational decisions. (Whoa,i never thought I would ever admit that out to the world but I am better now or maybe not 😏).Everyone out there probably goes through different pains everyday of their lives and you want to find the quickest solution to dealing with it but we all know the easy ways aren’t always the best. I always tell those who are close to me that seeking help or therapy is so helpful. Just talking about it and expressing yourself to someone who is purposefully supposed to listen does you so much good.The pain may not go away immediately but it eventually does. So I am glad that I let you in on knowing that pain shouldn’t define. Fight hard to not give into it, you might not like who it turns you to being. ✌

I have always thought of myself very different from others. Not in the weird way or with the need to be better than them. Not always anyway.I guess I always just knew that my mind has always just thought through a lot and I never really knew why. As a child my interest were different from what other kids thought was interesting. I guess in this era I would call myself the awkward child then, some part of it still lingers now too. I ponder over a lot of things in my life and I have in so many aspects how I would want to live and how I would want my life to be. I love music. Probably a lot of other people do too. But I love music in a way that feels unexplainable to even myself. It takes me away in my mind where at that very moment and with each word and rhythm I feel more special than ever. Not the constant pain the strings in my heart pull, not the lack of a special someone to love even of the song has everything to do with a lover, a friend or foe. It’s just me and my music.

Music even at this very moment is my inspiration for this piece.How the words are put together to bring out such emotion is amazing to me. Music makes me feel good, special actually. Its an escape for me to be someone else, in someone else’s mind and virtual body. I sing along with them and see through their eyes. I see and feel the emotions they felt when they wrote the song and what was in their mind. For me music does all that.Music pushes me to lengths nothing else does. It makes me feel powerful,like I could walk on earth as whoever I want to be. I could own the world at the palm of my hands and be a life changer. I can escape the confinements of my body and free my spirit to the music. I fall in love in the music, I am special in my music. I don’t have to be the shy girl the world knows. I become bold in music and not hide who I am. I don’t have to hide behind curtains and curtains of power that I don’t always have. I feel vulnerable and love every bit of it. No covers, no secrets.

I can’t really say what brings me to my knees and brings out everything vulnerable out of me, but if I chose what I wanted to be my vulnerability ,Music can take me down anyway. ✌

I have this place in my head that I derive peace from sometimes when I don’t want to be where my physical self is. I have created a home far away from home where the worries of my life are non existent and right there in my mind I have impeccable peace and tranquility.

I love it when it’s cold outside. There is just this feeling I get when it’s gloomy and dark and I am in the house. In my happy place, it snows. Always snows. I am warm and cosy with my warm cup of tea and watching the snow flakes fall. That’s contentment right there for me. Cottages are my perfect little home. Happiness is in a land of snow and splice from the world. Maybe that’s why I enjoy pushing people away a little too much. I hope someday I get to go to my happy place. Colorado, in the snow and with my cup of tea: there and then, I will truly be happy.

Hello lovelies. Has it been a while? I guess it has. Last time I shared a bit of my trip down Memory Lane and hope you’ll all saw how cute I was. I am soon going to be bringing back that cuteness, don’t ask how but brace yourselves for it.A minute before I started writing here I just thought that I love how I am able to express my thoughts here, I have always thought that keeping to myself is easier but then I realized that my mind is like Pandora’s box. I don’t hold many evils to be unleashed but I just got a lot going on up there (my mind that is)..🐒.Whoever reads this always know I appreciate it. It’s my way of being social when verbally doing so gets too difficult for me.

So there is this thought that I have pondered over for quite a while now. Talked to my sister about it and I may not have everything figured about it yet and probably may never have everything concerning it but I am gonna let on what I have. Am turning twenty this year, the big 2 0.Probably not as exciting really because nothing big happens at twenty for most and if there is, it’s probably the start where you feel a bit maturer leaving teens and all. I am excited about turning twenty. This is souly because it gets me closer to two things:being a mother as you all know🤰and being married 👰.Do you want to be married or marry in the future?That’s your question to answer.I keep saying I will soon crash a wedding of total strangers because people no longer do weddings and have that whole celebration and if you listened to their reasons for not doing weddings ,out of this world 🙄 but no judging, okay maybe a little.

I know people who are married.We all do. My million dollar question is why do you marry or get married to your ‘better half’s’ because I believe everyone who puts a ring on it does it to their better halves and their soul mates. You know, to love for better and for poorer, for sicker and for health till death do us part…. Do you know those vows and if not, am sure you heard them somewhere, right 🤔?Why do people really take these vows lately because I am beginning to doubt it’s for the right reasons that they are tying themselves down to people who two three years down the line, they can’t stand to be in the same room as. Probably I don’t know what am talking about (the married would think) but actually, it doesn’t take rocket science to see that marriage is no longer a union of people who have build each other and grown to love each other as humans and as partners and are willing to spend the rest of their lives together. Lately, things are said as they are. Marriage is nowadays for convenience or probably misinterpreted love. Not all marriages are like this by the way. There are people out there who do get married for the right reasons and out of love. For others,well..it’s not exactly the same case.

I wanted to do a serious and honest research from spouses around me of the reasons they put a ring on it but then I saw, probably most won’t be honest with me thinking I am an immature nineteen year old with nothing better to do than poke around in people’s business .So I opted to write what I see things as. Marriage is sacred at the start, until the spouses can’t seem to keep it in their pants or their marriage.Cheating always starts with a thought.Even before you do cheat, it’s a manifested thought that you want to put into action for God knows what reasons.I read somewhere on twitter the reasons why men really marry and only married men can tell if this is true. A few men said they settled down with the girl they were dating then because it was about time and age was catching up with them. Out of convenience you see😏.They settled because they needed the pressure of marriage to be off their shoulders so the current girlfriend had to do. Others said they got married because they got the girl pregnant and weren’t as lucky as to escape the already knitted web they got themselves in. I asked my man a question the other day,I asked him if I got pregnant by him today, would he walk or would he stick by me and I got a really interesting answer. ‘My mother raised no wimp’. To say I was pleased would be true, I just hope he would keep to his words if it came to that but not just yet. Another lot of men said that they got married out of family pressure for grand kids and a family of their own and now they are struggling so hard to be the perfect husband to their wives and dad but their hearts are else where. Men need motivation to be with women. They may not realize it but a marriage stops being a marriage when one of the spouses stops loving each other. It leads to cheating, drinking and possibly battering .

I don’t want to fall into the same pit when I finally decide to settle with someone. I want it to be for the right reasons. For love.If your out there and want to get married and you know we’ll in your heart it’s not for the right reasons, don’t tie yourself down only to hate yourself and your spouse later out of frustration. It’s not worth your while. Anyway, I hope this is more of an eye opener for everyone who reads this. Chao peeps .

Hello lovelies. Two write downs in two days. I am making up for not writing in such a while but I guess being home brings me inspiration.Today I was going through some old junk in the house and I stumbled upon my childhood album. To say I had forgotten all about it would be me being very honest which is sad cause it has brought me back so many memories and so much of my childhood I thought was long gone ever since we moved from my childhood home a while back. Despite it being a bit beaten up and wrinkly, it’s contents held so many years of my childhood that I didn’t remember.

For the longest time I always regarded my childhood to have been boring and non interesting really 😯.I thought that maybe because I didn’t remember doing what other kids did when I was a child meant that I didn’t really have a fun memorable childhood .But I couldn’t be more wrong about that since opening my album which is like Pandora’s box. It’s like a revelation of a past I didn’t know I had and I did have a childhood ,I just didn’t recall it. I guess when other events in your life take over a lot more of your memories and emotions you push back those that were previously there.

I was a really cute kid come to think of it. I may have never jumped on a bouncing 🏰 as a child or having learned how to swim but I did go to places probably other kids did go to .In my very first class, I went to the National Park and it’s was great I guess. I was shedding teeth as you will see in a picture of mine. And I went back again in a class tour in my third class too. I remember when there, I loved seeing other kids with their families and having a bit more freedom than I had because my trip was scheduled and had teachers so it was totally different. Families would stroll with their kids and they would roam around while I had to follow a bunch of other kids and teachers in uniform and we had to follow each other in a straight line🙄.From there I decided that when I grew up I would bring myself to the National Park and I wouldn’t have to be dressed in weird looking attire and I would roam around freely without surveillance from anyone and am grateful I got to do that.I also got photos of when I celebrated my mum’s birthday and mine too.I could go on and on about each picture but I think they will do better visualization than listening to me explain about each. Enjoy going down Memory Lane with me today as I realize I had a beautiful childhood that I didn’t know about. ✋bye😊.

P.s I was not a grumpy child. I just didn’t smile a lot often. 😆😆

Hello. Quick question, how do people fall in love and do you know your falling in love or is it just free falling?Well I actually have never pondered over the thought, all I just know is that I want to fall in love and want someone to fall in love with me and madly in love just for the emphasis. I think we all want at some point in our lives to get a good partner to love and start a family with. I guess we could call it human nature though maybe not to everyone. Falling in love I think defers for everyone because for me I am a typical romantic kinda girl who has read too many books that are not always for her own good. Maybe not the prince charming on a horse, but the gentleman with good manners and who will sweep me off my feet .I have already gone into details of what my kind of man is all about but someone who is smart but not always so smart told me that we fall in love with our polar opposites.Do y’all think it’s true?

Well, I can’t really say whether it applies for all.But maybe it’s not always such a bad thing to fall for the ones who are different from you. For me, I guess falling in love happens over time. I don’t know whether it has a start, a pause or an end or whether you feel sparks when he or she touches your hand or whether it’s hate at first sight.. I really don’t know how people believe in falling in love. I think it’s gradual. I believe I start slow and then get to the point where my heart will want to combust into a thousand pieces with love and adoration for a person. When I constantly start to think about that person more than I can care to

admit, I know I am falling in love.When my dirty minded self wants to know how it feels to share a bed with that person because falling in love is wanting a person emotionally, sexually, mentally and all.That’s how I think I fall in love. When I start to feel a nudge of pain in my chest because that person hasn’t been around me and we either have a misunderstanding of some kind. All those are my signs that you mean more to me than I let on and it’s scary. Falling in love I mean.It’s damn scary because it’s a journey without a destination but a risk you gotta take but are not obligated to. That’s why not everyone marries those they are in love with. You choose to follow all those feelings or not. Well, I am getting there,aren’t we all?

I am taking a step that to be honest am sad about. I am making the choice to wait for something that I terribly want so much. I am taking the chance to seek consultancy on how to wait when all it feels like is me putting a hold on my need. I want to be selfish and not share ‘you’ with anyone. I dream of your little hands fitting in just right on my big ones and through it I know ‘you’ will be more than just my world. You will be my breath of fresh air, the air in my lungs and the will to see through each day. That’s how much I want to have my baby with me. I want to give them everything and more of what I never had. I pray to God about them when I haven’t even met them yet. Thinking about the possibility of you in my life brings an out of this world kind of happiness that even surpasses my understanding. I am over thinking that I am crazy,i am just in love with my future kids.

“Now I have a new motivation to wait for you. I have to wait to give you the world because I want to give you nothing less. You are already my everything and I don’t have you yet but your slot in my heart won’t lessen but expand as a patiently wait for you. When your ready I will be ready to take you up and love you like no other.Wait for mama🤰my little angel 👶.

Ever just thought of your childhood?Well I do sometimes. Today is a Sunday and there is one insistent thought that is ever there on most Sundays.I link my childhood and my mom a lot,not sure why it happens often on Sundays.Maybe it’s because Sunday’s tend to stand out more for me than normal days. There is just always a totally different feeling Sunday has that differs so much from the other days. As a child, I was taught to always dream and wish for the best. I didn’t have any limits to my thoughts and dreams and they were beautiful in my eyes. My mother always had this beautiful way of creating the future and what she wished for me and my sister and I still carry that along with me despite the changes that have occurred since I was a child. There was one very dream and ambition that wasn’t just mine but my family’s dream and let me tell you that dream was all I knew from time immemorial. My mum always told me that we were destined for greatness and that we would go live in the states. It had nothing to do with not loving Kenyan enough or anything of that kind,it was simply just her dream for her family. And we tried everything we could. Every year we would try out the green card voucher and every year we never won. It was always a disappointment for us as a family but the greatest hope and source of our Faith never faulted.Despite the heart ache and the countless tears I never knew she shed,she always had a positive attitude and mind set that someday we would go to the states and all our problems would be over and we would have a convoy of vehicles behind us escorting us to the airport. Right there was my best dream for my first fourteen years.

And one day that dream went.It went with the one person who had planted it’s seed in not only my heart but my sister’s and dad’s too. She carried it away the minute she took her last breath. Sometimes I remember that dream. I deep down still always wonder why God never took it away from us if he was not meant to fulfill it. When I remember how every little thing in my life fit in perfectly with everything it had to do with that dream I sure do wonder. Sometimes I think that maybe it wasn’t our dream to be fulfilled or maybe it just wasn’t our time. Then again whenever I listen to country music and it touches home in my heart, it’s all it does not to bring me to my knees asking why to over a thousand questions that I still probably won’t get the answers for. It takes me back to how good thinking about my childhood dream used to make me feel and how happy I always used to feel when I would go to a land in my mind just because of that one seed my angel planted in my mind. My angel who is always with me and I sure as can feel her here with me.I guess now I understand why Sundays make me child homesick. Why all I feel is a whole mixture of emotions that sometimes are too hollow to pin out.It was my angels favourite day because her life was too beautiful for earth and she loved her maker more than she treasured her unfulfilled dream and it was all that was needed to keep her Faith going.Well,who knows maybe her dream for us will eventually grow into more than just a seed. ✌

Hello lovelies. Its been quite a while since I wrote and tonight I think I would rather share my thoughts through other peoples words. So am going to share quotes and some really interesting words that say so much of what is in my mind but I don’t find the right way to put them. Quotes, enlighten them lovelies 😄.