Hello lovelies. First and foremost I want to so much appreciate everyone who takes their time to read this and share with their friends. I didn’t have any plans to update this soon but I actually just felt the need to write and this had been on the top of my list. Thank you so very much for the support and even taking time to read it and comment. God bless you immensely for that🤗🤝.So as I had earlier said I didn’t plan on writing this soon but when the urge comes,I heed to it cause most of all this is my outlet to say what it is that’s on my mind and it’s a bonus when people read it. Pretty much it’s the only way I speak out my thoughts without having to verbally express them. So today I may not write too long though it’s not like I limit myself. I just go with the flow of my thoughts really 🤓.
I am writing this at ten minutes to ten and just thirty minutes ago to be precise I was watching Discovery channel on TV and I was watching a program called Outrageous acts of a psych. You should really watch it, you learn a lot of why you do things in your day to day lives. So they were showing how people react to when others invade your personal space and do things purposely to rile you up and it got me upset cause it got me thinking of how much I hate the little things people do to piss one off so hard. Like just yesterday I was traveling to Ruiru and I sat at the very back seat. P. S I hate those seats cause they are damn uncomfortable especially those that insists on having four people sit on them and I have already occupied like one and a quarter of the three seats. Anyway, back to the matatu I was at.I sat next to this lady who was super busy using her phone so she clearly didn’t care if I had just taken the seat next to her not that I really expected her to.It didn’t take me long to want to alight from that vehicle for one soul reason. She was chewing bubble gum in her mouth and the noise she made while at it was loud enough for the driver to hear. I tried blocking it off with my earphones on while listening to music but Lo! It didn’t make much of a difference. I don’t know if it’s a thing but she also had this look on her face of such arrogance like she was doing it to purposely pull my strings. Like seriously, what would it cost someone to chew like a decent person and without having to let the world know your chewing gum and close your mouth while at it😤?I had a hope that she would alight the vehicle before we got to our destination but sadly I had to deal with her noise all way through. That’s just one of the things that is so goddamn annoying.
Then again, something else that seriously gets me so riled up is when someone consciously ivades my personal space. I say consciously because, they always have a hidden agenda behind doing it. Personally, my personal space is like the area four feet around me and it doesn’t just mean being there or that close, there are so many ways your personal space can be invaded. For one, when someone hugs you and insists that they are better not letting you go🙄.For goodness sake, we are not magnets that are bound to attract each other physically so you can let me go now 😒.Unless your my secret celebrity crush who for one my chances of meeting are at probably on an average let’s say zero😁,hug me and put some distance yo! And you find that those who insists on pulling such moves are guys in my case who are either shady looking and thought they could make a pass at you and so they went for a hug than just a simple hand shake and since in their minds they want to pass the message across to you they like you more than a hand shake they press themselves on you and rub themselves on you and feel your mounds. Ewe dude for God’s sake if I wanted you more than a friend I wouldn’t go rubbing myself on you like a Koala on a Eucalyptus tree 🤢.So if you often do that, how about you try telling it out verbally to the person that you like and not rubbing yourself physically on them.
Again with the clinging ,why does this seem right to some guys that when you hand shake a female’s hand ,you shameless refuse to give it back or you start fiddling with your fingers on their palm and draw circles.In my mother tongue, that’s simply mannerless. Where did you learn that and why would you think it is right to do that in the first place. I have actually never called someone on doing that but I won’t stand it anymore cause it is so gross. Please respect someone else’s personal space and don’t end up looking like a creep in front of me while giving me a toothless grin that just gets it more weird. I am honestly directing this to the men who may do this obviously thinking its some way to get a direct hit on a girl. Sorry to honestly burst your bubble but it only gets a girl grossed out more than impressed. So if you do that on an often basis, for the sake of personal space please stop. And lastly, the other thing that I legit hate is when someone just makes noise when I am so concentrated on something and just around me someone finds it right at that very moment to blow up and cause a scene. There are people who are such attention seekers that it sorta bugs them when their mouths are shut and they don’t really take note of those around them and I guess they don’t really care.I am not saying that being free to “make noise ” is a bad thing. Hell even I know I make noise though mine tends to be internal more than external noise. Please have a bit of consideration for others and don’t be so obnoxious about yourself and go” Ooh I don’t care what others think”. There is somethings that yes you shouldn’t care about what others think but when it comes to doing things around us that may affect them directly, have a little consideration 😔.I could go all night long and write about all the things people do that are so annoying but I just wrote those that have been most prominent lately for me and seriously annoy me. Anyway, probably there are things too I obliviously do that upset others around me though am hoping since I am not around people as much I don’t have an annoying habit. For all those who will read this thank you so much.✌
Hallo,my lovelies.When I say my lovelies I mean it more of those few who are gonna read this or simply my imaginary audience. Actually,sometimes I read posts written by others and look at the great feedback they get and am like 😱…will I get there, ever. As much as am not supposed to think this, I can’t help myself sometimes when I hear this voice in my head that says nah,its probably not gonna happen that people are going to yearn what your “little “mind has to give😵.This blog for me is and I want it to be an outlet for me to express myself, people reading is just added bonus to it. So back to the context of today, I want to go harm on what some people in our world secretly believe is a crime, others would believe it to be socially unacceptable and sadly others would believe it to be ugly. All this is something that is opinionated by people .I too have my opinion on it and right here right now I am gonna speak it out 😔.
For starters, I am a plus size female. No, let me clarify that better,I am ➕ size beautiful. I had to do a take back of the first one cause right here is where I am putting it all out for people who are plus size and think they are anything less than beautiful. For the longest time being a plus size female was actually termed as being Fat. This is a name I would personally only tag a pig to and not a human however their size. Fat is a term that generally means over weight which I have no problem with not until it became a tag for people who are over weight but as a means to insult them, degrade them and make them feel less of a person than the average sized human being .People have gone as far as to make someone else feel uncomfortable in their own bodies cause all they see in the mirror is such a foul creature and one who doesn’t deserve love and appreciation. I have fallen victim to criticism and fat shaming from people just cause in their eyes I didn’t fit in. My sister is a plus size female who has gone through bullying from people through their crude comments about her size and how she should go to the gym to cut off the fat. What in people’s minds would think its okay to discriminate someone else according to their size and weight😡?To put it out there and call someone fat goes far beyond my and many others understanding cause bottom line is nobody should, period. Don’t talk about someone else’s weight or size in what ever manner as long as its of no concern to you cause they never did ask for a reaffirmation from you.
I write this cause despite knowing that I am a plus size girl and beautiful. I have my insecurities too.Being a plus size isn’t a piece of cake, we go through so much from aching muscles when we strain too much, to wheezing our lungs out when we walk up fleets of stairs and being squeezed in public vehicles and to top it off, have the constant reminder from daft people that we are over weight. Cut us some slack. Being plus size doesn’t mean I am void to emotion and getting hurt by words. When someone asks me if I can run ,right before I can give an answer they already filled it in with the assumption that she is too big, she wouldn’t make it far without blowing her lungs out. Being big doesn’t render me immobile. I may strain to do certain things but I am just as much of a human being as anyone else smaller or bigger than me. People being them believe ➕ size people have more insecurities than the average sized person. Yaas,we have insecurities but you know what, everyone else too has their own. But for plus size people, they are more prominent and it’s all because they care too much what people will think about them so they go out of their way to hide behind the shadows and keep their insecurities under wraps. I am living proof of how bad I want to hide behind the shadows cause my insecurities feel so prominent and I wouldn’t want to show the world what is beneath my clothes. I can’t leave my house with a sleeveless on cause my arms are full of stretch marks and it’s not that am ashamed of my stretch marks, I am just too scared about the judging eyes I will find outside. I probably sound like a hypocrite trying to incite people to be themselves when I myself can’t seem to do the same but its just as much of a struggle for me as it is for everyone else out there who gets discriminated for their weight.
Today, I want to change that. Starting with me. I want to empower plus size people to think nothing less of themselves other than beautiful and deserving. We don’t need reassurance from others about how we are on the outside when all that matters is what is on the inside. ➕ size beautiful is all we should focus on and not just say it but believe it as well. If a friend asks your weight, tell them with your head held high you are ➕ size beautiful and do it with all boldness and not a quiver in your spirit. Weight has and will never make what is important in a person. What is in one’s heart is what is most important. Last year I attended the most empowering event for plus size beauties in Kenya and let me tell you,if you are anything less than plus size, you would have wished you ate that chocolate bar you thought could cut your calories down .And who ever lied to people that being plus size is as a result of eating unhealthy, sorry to burst your bubble but for some its just their bodies and genes. Don’t go assuming that when in the same room with a plus size person and your having yourselves a feast that you can count yourself to go hungry just cause they will eat everything on the menu. Don’t be daft. 😒
Inner beauty is not defined by the colour of our skin or the brand of the shoes we wear. It neither is defined by our weight or height.Its souly defined by what is in one’s heart. I know some people may say when they ask plus size people about their weight, it’s a harmless question. It never is a harmless question to the person. They end up feeling like being plus size is an abnormality of some kind when it’s actually not at all. Appreciate people for who they are and what size they are. Don’t go calling people names just to make yourself feel better and make them feel less. It’s not right and nothing justifies it. For me and my fellow ➕ size beauties of the world. We can be whoever we wanna be with no limitations whatsoever. If you want to gain people’s respect, respect yourself first and they will too. Don’t cower away from them just cause you feel you don’t belong, you do belong and weight should never be a means to an end. We are beautiful and gorgeous and we deserve everything good in life. Nobody and nothing should change that .➕ Size Beautiful all day everyday. 😁✌
P. S. Shout out to plus fabulosity for hosting Kenya Plus Size Fashion Week. It was the greatest and most empowering I have felt and proud of my weight. Thank you. And also Pure Plus Brand for cloth wear for ➕ size beauties.
Every time I decide to sit down and write, there is always an intense emotion behind it and whatever am about to write is usually based from the thought that brought about my emotion. For this time, it’s not all goofy and silly. This time it’s actually sentimental. Yes😏,am going soft on you guys today so brace yourselves.My blog title has actually just come to me as I was singing my all time favourite Beyonce, pretty hurts. In the middle of the song there comes a part where she is asked what her aspiration in life is and her answer is usually to be happy. I kinda thought through that and probably everyone’s aspiration is no different from hers really.. The only difference that would individually stand out from the other person’s is what it is that makes one happy. I too would probably say my aspiration in life is to be happy.Question is ,what makes me happy?
“What’s your aspiration in life? My aspiration in life, my aspiration in life,in life ,that’s a great question, I wasn’t expecting that question.Aspiration in life .My aspiration in life is to be happy. “My aspiration in life is to be what I would refer the greatest gift God gave woman, the ability to give life, share a bond and carry another life in them. Being a mother. Am sure most of you are wondering what would a nineteen year old girl know about being a mother let alone raising a child?Well actually this nineteen year old knows nothing about being a mother but one thing is for sure, she can’t wait to be one. God graced us with the ability to share a beautiful bond with another human. Take care of them, cater for them and nature them to be better human beings. Why wouldn’t I want to have all that when someone else did the same thing for me. Statistically, the larger percentage of people my age don’t think the same cause if they did, they wouldn’t be as many cases of abortion as they are now.I don’t actually judge people who think doing this hienous act as a means to an end have no fault. I do judge them just internally cause it breaks my heart to think that they took no consideration of the life they were carrying inside them.A woman out there is praying to all the gods she thinks exist so she could have the same privilege as the one careless enough to terminate a pregnancy.
I ponder on what I will call my kids when I am on my own and have nothing to think about. I yearn to be as great of a mother as mine was. To love and sacrifice everything I am for my offspring, to cater for them and cherish every moment together with them. To carry them in my womb for nine months and “hate “those hectic moments cause I can’t wait for them to see the day of light. I may seem delirious to most but I have so much love to give and can’t wait to. I can’t give much as I would want to in this post cause I am yet to be get my aspiration in life. To be a mother. ✌
Hallo my people. 🙋.First of all my auto-correct sucks balls when I want to write hallo,it brings Halloween for some reason like Hallo is not a word😒.So if I ever say Halloween to you when it’s totally not in the context please blame my auto-correct and I mean Hallo.So I have this intense war with my inner self or my alter ego who for your information is my stronger version and makes an attempt to get out once in a while when we at least come to agreement .She and I are a bit different cause she thinks she doesn’t have to over calculate things like I do. Should I say this should I shut my trap, should I agree to this should I be blunt and a little bit of a bitch.She is always on the I should part whereas I do the weighing of what will be the consequences of my actions. You see how people can easily throw caution to the air, it’s actually a really hard thing for me to do. I over think even when I don’t want to and as sad as it sounds, I would want my alter ego to come out more 😔.
My alter ego is called Dawn and Mercy is me. They are both my names ,I just split them to the classier one for my alter ego and for the over calculative one for me. The soul reason why am telling you this is cause one of the most things I over calculate is whether speaking about dating and what kind of guy I want to date is allowed or whether it is giving out to much information. My over calculative self is already on over drive and pushing me to the delete button so I won’t have to worry about what people will think when they read this but I won’t. Is it a bad thing that I feel ready to have a partner but don’t know where to start?I don’t know if I am the only who goes through this or everyone else does too, whether they are just as apprehensive about coming out with it as I am trying not to be. Well, I don’t know on their part but for mine, I believe I shouldn’t feel like what everyone else will think should matter as much as to prohibit me from saying I am ready for a partner. Then again when I mean partner I don’t just mean random dating and quenching my lust. No, I mean I am ready for a real commitment with someone who will be mature and know the relationship we will have will not be a fling. It won’t be just a matter of sex and saying meaningless words to each other as a sense of comfort. If that’s what people are expecting for themselves, am clearly not one of them. I think am over the high school romance and taking a shot to see if it will work. I want someone who will have my back and I will have theirs, a man who will not rush to say three words which won’t mean a thing to him just cause he wants to get it on with me. I see people post on their timelines that they want this kind of men but 99.9% of them don’t purse to get them cause they probably just fell for a couple pick up lines and a cute face. That’s entirely what I don’t want. Before I wrote this I was debating whether to keep it to myself and not say this but I am looking for a man not a boy toy. Even as I write this, I think Dawn was right to do this. Wanting a partner is not a crime. I think I stopped underestimating time when I saw that you never realize how much of it you have lost until you are a step away from your casket. Wanting to play tag with your life is not gonna take you anywhere really. I not so long ago gave myself a time limit of when I want to get my first child. P.s The greatest thing I can’t wait for. Most nineteen year olds haven’t even thought about what they want after school cause yeah it’s taking a step at a time. Just make sure not to take too much time. Am not again saying skip steps, No. Just take worth while steps. Let one step be significant to the next.
So when I started, my headline was should I or should I not.Am proud to say I did. I admit that for the longest time in my years I have cared too much what everyone will think and I hide behind the notion that I am a shy individual or that my sister took the outgoing part in my family. I want to gradually change that. Probably the people I care too much of their opinions don’t really give two shits about me and I wouldn’t blame them cause I don’t probably give two shits or even one about what they do, I just care too much about their opinions of me. It has held me down for so many years and held me back from so many things. I feel sorry for myself🤧🤧.Before I do get my equal half and not my better half, I want him to be the only one who I will care enough to stop myself from doing things cause I care what he thinks. I want to be better at being me and not at being what people want me to be. So here I set a mark and start being me and doing me more than double checking what others think. I want to have love and give love. I want to shout to the world that I am happy even now that I am yet to get the right one and rest assured everyone will know when he gets here…😄.Kudos to my alter ego, you bring out the best in me .✌
So the new year huh 🙄….Ooh Hell No!! 😁😁😁That’s not how I am starting this year and hoping that’s not how your starting the year too. But before we delve into what I want my new year to be like and all, let’s first do a recap of how my 2017 was alright 😉 .So I am immensely gratefully for not being in school for that year, and when I say school I mean where I am being under twenty four hour surveillance by old people who don’t really seem like the have a life really .No offense to teachers, much respect for the work your doing with dealing with delinquents, mustn’t be easy. So back to the point, my last year was more or less a blur. Happened really fast.Had happy moments here and there like I attended my first fashion show for plus size females and let me tell you, just a tip for you guys, if your female doesn’t have some solid meat to her bones, your missing out. Either your the problem cause you ain’t treating her right or she is just sadly skinny. Whichever the case, plus size females are a real treasure to behold,if you don’t have one, you fail terribly and if you ain’t one you are missing on the sweet things in life 🍟🍖🍗🧀🍔🍆….Yes… 🤣🤣..Dick included.
I also got to start college.I can’t really say my college experience has been what I expected but it was a good step for me starting that page in my life. I think that’s pretty much it for me in 2017…The other moments were spent with family and friends .Earlier when I was thinking of what I was gonna write in my first blog post in the new year, I wanted to come clean and say I legit have a fetish for some weird ass shit and I blame it all on Wattpad 🤓🤓.I guess the only time geeky comes to mind is when I spend half my day reading smut and werewolf books on wattpad. Trust me when I say I have gotten some really crazy fetish from there. https://www.tenor.co/tk7m.gif ….Mind blown shot right there.Maybe in my next post I will come clean with my 🎵🎶wild wild wild thoughts 🎶🎵.Also I think I should come clean with is even though on a normal occasion I wouldn’t say this cause I would probably think it’s too embarrassing and degrading for me to say out 🔊. 2017 I was under the pressure to have a partner, yes 😑 this girl right here in all her glory *cocky much 😏 wanted to have a partner and someone who would not only love her but understand her, know her pain and help her build herself rather than cower away like she knows best. I thought that maybe if I changed and tried to be a bit more social and out there, I would get what I wanted but shock😨.I think my expectations of my kind of guy is a bit too high. It’s legitimately hard to get mature men this days God! 🙄 .I am a modern female but I actually like the old ways of courting, I would pick a guy who asks me out on a date over a guy who wants to Skype, I would pick a guy who writes me a letter over guy who thinks texting me constantly is thinking that is keeping in touch. Well, I didn’t get what I wanted but who says I still don’t have hope. I know my gentleman is out there, his dorm side will kick in as soon as he sees me. Ooh my damn! I sound like a fairy tale junkie 😵.
So now out with the old and in with the new, I have actually never really done the whole new years resolutions kinda stuff. This year I decided I needed to have some cause I want things to be different. Sometimes even as I grow I realize that priorities change and things you never really paid attention to are now important. I think resolutions are personal so I won’t go out by naming them but I am super excited to start working on them. A friend of mine told me that she doesn’t have resolutions cause she is too cool for it. I didn’t really know what to respond to that but one things for sure I didn’t think I was any less cooler for having resolutions, but o guess people have different though sometimes weird understandings of things. Though I am letting out that this year is fully based on self love and appreciation. I want to learn how to do things for myself without having a small voice in my mind that nudges me that what will the world think, what will they silently judge me and say behind my back. Fuck that shit.Its gonna be all about what makes me happy. I am also gonna have one main rule with my all my friends. Friends don’t lie. #Stranger Things. I don’t want friends who will bluntly lie to my face about anything. Am done with that life.
So yeah, I have a lot of hopes for this year and above all I am trusting My Jehovah is gonna be with me through it all. I know not many may read this but it’s more for me to speak my mind…. Before I forget, I am crazy crazy about Stranger Things. If you haven’t watched this series your failing a lot. Millibobby Brown is my secret best friend. The only I would actually consider good enough for that role.😏.She is so young and is making a name for herself. That’s a thumbs up.
As I start this journey of 2018 ,my non existent readers or the few who will ever read this, welcome aboard 🎡rollercoaster that is my life.✌
….Its Christmas y’all.Its like five days away and damn am I excited for it. My favourite time of the year where the two most important aspects of my life are with me… 🥁drum roll… Family for one and Food :Meat to be precise 😁😁…I am a girl who appreciates the gift of food and wouldn’t take it for granted at all cause there are days it’s not always there. Away from that, I love love Christmas and the whole feeling it brings along with it. Possibly the only thing my Christmas lacks for me is snow cause Kenya doesn’t snow apart from when Nyahururu decides to blow our minds. Hopefully someday I will have a Christmas under a mistletoe making snow angels..
So Christmas isn’t just about eating and going out with family and friends, though doing all that isn’t wrong at all… It’s just a piece of the puzzle that Christmas entails. For the most of my childhood Christmas was one day to remember. My family had this tradition where we would wake up early on that Christmas morning and my mom would tune up Christmas carols. Then on Christmas Eve we would gather up all the extra clothes in the house that either were too small for us or we out grew them and we would put them together in like a big bag.So on the morning of the 25th we would take a trip to the children’s home in Karatina and before arrival we would make a stop at the supermarket to do some shopping for the kids in the home. I remember the feeling it used to bring my family and I seeing those kids so excited and happy to have something to celebrate with and new clothes and food for them but most importantly people to celebrate Christmas with. The gift of sharing and the gift of togetherness. My mother always reminded my sister and I that Christmas was the time of year you give back to the world. She treasured Christmas so much and as I grew up I took it up from her.
Most of us today view Christmas as a day when they meet their loved ones,eat a lot and make merry. If not the majority, a large percentage of people don’t take the time to give back to those around them who may not have that family or plenty of food to feed of. We all know that Christmas was the day Jesus Christ was born and for Christians it is the day the Messiah was born. What did He do for us? He sacrificed much more than just food and family but sacrificed His life for us on a cross. Would it be too much to give a little of what you have to someone less fortunate around you so they too would know how it feels to have a little Christmas spirit in them. I haven’t given back ever since I lost the one person I thought made Santa look like a joke cause she made a rainy Christmas look like the best day on earth with all the love and care she gave out. But this year I want to bring back her spirit and her love cause I know wherever my mother is she probably celebrates Christmas better and would love it if we did the same too.So this Christmas its going to be brought five years back when it was all about sharing and caring. I am done taking Christmas for granted and we should all do too. Am not asking for you to go out of your way to give to everyone around but if it’s in your capability to, well and good. Make a difference in someone’s Christmas this year. Give a bit of what is yours to someone who probably hasn’t had a Christmas worth their while and bring a smile to their faces. A real Christmas giver is one who will give from their hearts and not expect something in return. Make a difference with me and share that joy in your heart by making someone happy this Christmas. God will never seize to see the little things and efforts His children put, be rest assured of that. And with that, I want to wish you all a beautiful Merry Christmas and a blessed Happy New year.✌
I never knew what depression was until a year after I realized I had gone through it. It took me some time to come to terms with that and I still am. I felt sorry for myself cause I knew in my mind I experienced pain and emotional turmoil but never did it cross my mind that the pain I was feeling, the agony and self degrade I had all wrapped in a package inside was signs of silent depression. I didn’t talk about it. I knew and was convinced that nobody in this world would understand me cause I thought it was petty and unimportant. It was a a load of pain on pain and I didn’t know how and where to take it.
People all round experience depression in so many diverse ways that some or majority of people don’t even realize they are feeling it or experiencing.This is not from a professional point of view, its from my personal point of view. For whoever reads this if I do ever have it in me to put it out there, this is my story.
I lost my mother when I was fourteen years old. And no for those thinking that this is one of those sappy stories people write about to get sympathy and all but trust me, sympathy is the last thing I want from anyone. I was young and my worst nightmare had just hit me like a hurricane and left me and everything I was upside down. She was my world like most mothers are to their kids but I am short of even words to explain what it was that I felt when I lost my mother. I didn’t really grieve when I should have cause I had to put it off for a main exam that I was to sit for in two weeks just right before enrolling in high school .And just like that I thought I had managed it when I no longer cried or broke down just thinking about her. Three months down the line, I joined a good high school after passing my exams. Little did I know that by the time I would leave high school, I would have had a one on one encounter to my personal “hell hole”.
I was in a new environment, with new people who knew nothing about me and had no clue what turmoil I was feeling. Slowly and steadily loneliness, sadness, pent up emotions of pain and anguish and loss build up so immensely I legitimately had a heavy heart. I could feel myself breaking and pieces of me slowly detaching themselves and when it got worse, all I wanted was for death to consume me and I fell deep into the darkness. I let it consume me cause I knew around that nobody would understand even if I explained it to them. I had tried speaking to some fellow students I had met but all I got was pity and I was searching for comfort and most of all help.I was so deep in this abyss full of pain, I was resesive to any sort of happiness.
My last straw was what I would call my saving grace. I took it as a last result and if it wouldn’t work, probably wouldn’t be here today giving out my story of how depression has changed who I am and how much of an impact it creates in one’s life. I approached a teacher who was fascinated somehow with me and I took a chance to let out in the easiest way I could what I was silently going through. Then it was already over a year and a half since I joined school. She was like a God sent angel who happened to think that I was a mystery and that attraction to me is what drew me to speaking up. She became my therapist and everytime I couldn’t handle the wave of emotions I was going through, she was always there and slowly the ache in my heart easend. I had still managed to make few friends in school and act normal to everyone around me without giving out that I was on the verge of losing my mind. In specific, I made a closer friend than most cause we had a few things in common in my nearly dead social life. Her name is gonna remain anonymous but if she ever does read this, it will surely be a surprise cause she doesn’t know what the impact of our time together did go to me. She was not your average normal kind of girl, very different and her aura attracted others to her.
In my third year in school, I was still going through therapy and I was more optimistic about living than I was a few months before that. I was able to handle my emotions better than before. My friendship had grown too and I considered her one out of the few close friends, my best friend. I was optimistic that soon I would learn that grieving wasn’t meant to end over a nightfall and it depended souly on the person. At my last term of my third year, I started to feel like my friend and I were drifting cause she began fancying another girl and to be very honest I was jealous and hurt. Most of you would think it was petty and just a girl thing to want to hate competition .I believed in my mind I was better than that ,I was more mature than that. Who was a female to me enough to bring out jealousy outta me. I fought it with all my might but I guess we don’t always win battles against ourselves. My friend wanted to be there for me but her fascinations by the other female was so intense, I knew I had lost her. I was just yet to accept it.
When joining my final year, I was slowly becoming a mess but this time not out of grief but out of jealousy and hurt and betrayal. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for the one girl I had taken the time to care for even in the midst of therapy and everything I was going through. It bugged me and God did I hate that it did. I wanted nothing more than to get over her and just move on. But I guess I didn’t know the rollercoaster awaiting me. By that time we weren’t in speaking terms, I wanted nothing to do with her cause all her time was given to this other girl who I was slowly growing to feel an immense disdain for. The rollercoaster started where we were in good terms when she would pledge to be there for me and it wouldn’t go for long before she went back on her word. Being the soft hearted person I was, I couldn’t keep count of the times I gave her a chance after chance to fix up our friendship but it was futile. I hadn’t realized I had at some point forgotten all about grief and now all my thoughts were completely invested in this one girl who had completely taken over my thoughts and emotions. Everything I knew revolved around her. My actions were done in thought of whether she was there to see and whether she would pay attention to me. I felt like a lunatic, I was slowly loosing my mind and I began thinking I was hypnotised by her cause this wasn’t me. I was the composed girl who couldn’t give a shit about other females when I was trying to regain everything I had lost. I was again in that pit of self pity and self loathing :This time not scared nobody would understand but I was scared they would judge me and think am petty .
Now here I am. Nearly a year now since I finished school. I am still friends with the girl. I did some things as a mechanism to block out that pain of feeling abandoned by a best friend .When I finished school I felt more relief than I could ever think was possible. I thought my pain was over and I could leave everything behind me with all my bad highschool memories but little did I know. The dreams started kicking in, I would dream of my high school memories of my friend and her choosing someone else over our friendship and I would wake up with the same pain I felt all over again. I had forgiven her cause I still cared for her even after everything but I knew deep down I wasn’t over the pain. At the back of my head and heart I knew I was slowly falling again. I thought not talking to her for a short while would make me get over the past. The short while turned into a whole entire period of withdrawal from the world. I felt the need to push people around me away and just breathe. Everytime someone would get too close to me in whatever way I would create a space and void so I won’t have to get attached and get hurt again. The depression then dawned on me. I was in my own little pit of darkness and sometimes I fear that maybe any slight thing will draw me back there. I have known pain, sadness, anger at myself for caring too much and not feeling good enough for someone else when I knew all I was supposed to care about was what I thought about myself. I blame myself that even my own demons made it to my dreams. Today I have a withdrawal syndrome. I don’t know whether I still have depression but I repeat to myself that I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am stronger even with the few withdrawals here and there but I am getting there. A step at a time.
Someone out there may be feeling like their emotions are baseless and don’t deserve to be spoken out and they are suffering with it in silence. Please, for the sake of your psychological health and emotional growth, tell someone you trust, be it family or a friend. Speak out. Depression is real and its diverse. Don’t assume that someone doesn’t know what there feeling when they say they are experiencing a certain thing. Don’t underestimate pain, it grows to make you weaker .Depression tags along a lot. Anxiety included. I pray that for all those going through any form of depression, please seek help. Be it bullying or anything. Don’t put it off. Thank you for all those who will read this and share it to someone who needs the encouragement to speak out. ✌ Peace.