Mary Oliver, Here’s my puny but precious life…

“Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? “Mary Oliver

Well Mary, I can’t say there’s much I’ve already done with my one wild and precious life for I’m just twenty three as of a month ago. But let’s say it ‘s all the life I’ll ever get to live. Let’s picture this as the only life I’ve lived and that be enough. We may as well not plan for a future that’s yet to be lived, am I right? So for my puny little life, I will have quite the childhood. I’ll try to find the words to sum it all up but I’ll always come up short. It will be a mesh of a little bit of everything; it will not have been the best years of my life but it will be the years I’ll wish to have held onto more. It will be the years I should never have taken for granted, but still somewhat did. As a kid, I’ll be my best version of prime & proper, at least to the world I’ll try to be. Back at my house, I’ll be the biggest pain in the ass and my arch nemesis will be none other than my dear ole mum, God bless her soul… She’ll take the blunt end of my onset of puberty and will match my energy of being a serious pain in the ass. But despite it all, I’ll adore her existence like that of a god. She’ll be to me like every mother is to their child, their first god and their lifeline. I will not realize just how much the world is unfair to you until the day my lifeline will be taken away from me. Simply, I will learn of one of life’s toughest experiences which will alter the entire basis and trajectory of my life.

Like it is for most people, those lucky enough to have the blessing of family, I’ll live for my family. With one sibling and a single father, I’ll pour out every bit of love in me to them, which now that I think about it, might explain why it will be hard to love anyone else with the intensity and magnitude that some will seek from me. I will adore my family and be in their embrace through every day spent of my puny but precious little life. My dad will be that friend you can’t quite get enough of but still gets annoying every so often. He’ll have my back always and I’ll grow to protect him to the best of my little ability. As for my sister, she will be my best friend, my companion, my roommate and my all rounded life partner. We won’t have much of separate lives since we will be often together too much of the time. She will be my provider for quite the while and I’ll ride it out till what I hope will be the start of my own adulthood. She’ll complain I eat a lot but continue to feed me regardless. What can I say Mary, a girl’s gotta eat to grow. Sometimes indulging into her cravings a little bit more than she should. All my life’s significance, regardless of whether puny or not, my sister will be there for them. She’ll cheer me on and help me brush of the dust from the times I’ll have fall off my feet. She’ll vicariously live through me in my relationship escapades for they will be quite a few… Mary, you may be quite surprised by just how much I’ve experienced in the realm of “love”…I will trust no one more than I trust her and I’m uncertain I’ll ever know what it’s like to have anyone closer to me than her.

I will go through highschool and regard it as the worst years of my life. I’ll hate every day of those agony ridden days. I’ll want to escape to my dreams every day of my life for those four years and I’ll have my heart broken by the impossibility of my dreams ever coming true. I will peg on God to pay His dues to me even despite knowing deep down, He owed me nothing. I’ll walk down the streets of my school every evening looking up at the stars and hoping against everything that the brightest star of all will mean my redemption from my misery. It will surprise me that despite feeling incapable of feeling anything else besides sorrow, I’ll grow to love a girl immensely in the midst of it all. I’ll use her as a distraction from my grief but then, my emotions towards her will envelope me like a dome. She will eventually become all I’ll ever think of in those years and even a few years after that. I will feel hate and this wildly twisted obsession over her that will force me to think again over what I thought I knew about my sexuality. She’ll become the true bane to my existence and I will not know till date whether it was all just a projection of my grief or I just had the worst case of adolescence. Even later in life, I will still regard this girl as quite the enigma. I will have gotten better reins of my emotions when it comes to her but traces of her will still linger and hover over my conscience. I will complete highschool with the passion to charge the world. I will have my dreams hanging from my shoulders and what will then be a well sort out plan to kick start the dreams into motion. I will then learn that it’s a lot harder than I might have thought. My passions and my sorrow will set sail my career into psychology.

I will go through college and have quite the silent rollercoaster. Silent because not a lot of people can attest to anything major happening in my life but it being a rollercoaster because I certainly will have my fair share of things happen in those years. I will loose my virginity in college, and it won’t be memorable. It will not mean much and neither will it be some instrumental rite of passage for me. It will happen and I won’t care to much over it… that’s all that will be to it. I will have boyfriends, and a man-child friend too. My first relationship will be, for lack of a better word, meh. Though at the beginning, I wouldn’t have considered it so, for I will have wanted more from it. It will be based on sex marathons and on and off breaks. In time, it will be the trigger to a very uneventful onset of my first depression. It will kick-start a tirade of emotions, downhill turmoils and a whole lot of anxiety. It’s in college where my battles with mental health will become the fore front of my life. Depression will become my shadow and I will loose recognition of myself without it…Before I can even delve further into what my life will become in regards to my mental health, let me tell you about the man friend I will be crazy enough to date… It will also be in my early twenties, when I’ll have my interest picked on matters BDSM. In the case you’re not aware Mary, this is a kink in sex for those who are unconventionally woke. It will be in my venture of this kink that will lead me to meeting and somewhat dating a man-child who will then be 44 at the time. I know what you’re probably thinking but trust me, at the time it won’t seem as absurd as it might now. He will at the beginning feel like a breath of fresh air (no pun intended in regards to him being old and all..) and I will be enthralled by him and his take on the world. His bluntness will at the start look like something to be admired but it will soon wither in my eyes for it will not go unnoticed to me how emotionally dry he will be. As he himself will say, “I’ve got the emotional depth of a pin cushion”. I consider myself lucky for I will actually know what a pin cushion is like. After that, we will end things between me and this man but we will keep in touch and that will be a mistake I will soon learn dearly from.

I will go through life one day at a time…I will experience a mental agony that nothing will have ever prepared for me. I will learn to cope with this said agony in ways that will leave permanent scars, both on my skin and on my mind. I will still continue to dream and be a little girl on the inside. I will go through life plagued with anxiety that I’m never doing enough, that I’m not the best at anything that I do. I will still keep trying regardless, even when I will want to choose death over life. As I said earlier Mary, my life is still puny and hasn’t matured as much so there’s only so little I can tell you of how my life turns out… I will try my best to write more of how my life goes, maybe when I’m thirty, I will write this again. I will to you how my puny but precious wild life will have gone down. Hopefully, it won’t be so puny anymore.

“Inspired from the book ” It’s okay to laugh ,crying is cool too” I haven’t even completed it yet but I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful read.

A girl has been bored. When am I never though… But despite everything else your caught up on, (#always your reliable depressive ), I don’t want to dwell on that as of now. I’m in too much of hyped up state to ponder over as of my current bestfriend & long time homeboy, depression. I’m gonna assume your curious on what has me feeling less forlorn than my usual state of being and from that assumption, I’m gonna share what has me feeling different. You’re girl’s been horny as hell (cue the audience’s laughter) …like majorly to the degree I’m fliker’ing my twickie…😂😂 That’s a statement I came up with two nights ago while keeping my sister company as she got drunk on a new alcohol she’d been meaning to try. We were sharing on our impending states of horniness and I told her how it’s in my next budget to get a rabbit vibrator but I’ve got no idea where the money’s gonna come from, ( PS. I’m taking willing donations to get a girl a vibrator, any amount will be appreciated 🤗). So yeah, in the midst of that conversation, I came up with the statement flicker your twickie. What can I say, I’ve been on a journey of forced celibacy for quite a couple months now and it was bound to take a toll on me eventually. Truthfully speaking, I pride myself over how long I can go before giving into my body’s urge to mate if I may call it so and I think this has to be that limit because I can’t help myself from needing some sort of release, (cue the major embarrassment ) but yeah, since I don’t have a man, the next best thing is a little playmate who’ll be utterly at my beck & call and who’ll I’ll not need to impress as much to get a little bit of pleasure from.

Whilst in the subject of partnership, I recently thought about the subject of having a Dominant again as a partner for myself. After such a while of me have stashed away the submissive in me from the front of my mind, she snuck back to remind me that she’s still there and that maybe she feels ready to make a gradual come back. After my last relationship as a submissive, I purposely took a step back from being in any sort of relationship, in regards to being in the normal kind of relationship or the Dom/sub relationship due to the matters of my ever loyal companion, my mental instability. Despite it all though, I have immensely missed the clarity and beauty that I feel as a submissive. The immense pleasure & thrill of it is a high that’s unmatched for me. It’s impossible to forget what it’s like to have such care given to you by a Dominant worthy your submission. I’d be lying if I said the sexual connection isn’t among the bigger perks of why I miss being in a Dom/sub relationship. Therefore recently when I thought about it again, I pondered over whether I feel ample enough to take up the role of a submissive partner to a deserving Dominant. I went through a couple of internalized questions and just really delved deep on whether I feel like I can put myself back into that head space. Let’s just say, I feel I may be ready for it but I’d have to make a few adjustments in concern to my mental health and whether the Dominant will be up for the task of handling me with all my luggage.

Entirely away from that, I’ve been meaning to seriously gush over a book I read recently that I can’t seem to get over just how incredibly wonderful & hilarious it was. Allie Brosh’s book Hyperbole and a Half is a book I didn’t realize just how much I needed to read. It brought me such joy & laughter. I read it in bed at two in the morning and I was laughing so hard, I started wheezing from it. Despite how short it was, it was an incredible read and I’d recommend it to anyone. I can’t forget to mention the imagery used in the book that accentuated it’s hilarious nature all the more. The writer’s sense of humor in the book had me wishing she could be my best friend. The book is mental health related and I loved how I was able to relate with her in some of her experiences with depression. The way she brought out her encounters with depression felt a lot like home for me due to the sense of familiarity & relatability. Hyperbole and a half will probably be among the best books I’ve had the pleasure of reading this year and I’d love to read more of Allie Brosh’s work.

In my spare time, apart from when I’m self loving & reading books, I recently started listening to podcasts as well. Through a girl I follow on social, I came across her podcast which I thought was super cool & insightful especially since the episode I listened to first had a touch of mental health to it. From listening to that episode, it made me wish that I had a friend who related on issues mental health & depression. I’d genuinely love to have someone by my side who understands what it’s like to struggle with an invisible battle. Hell, I’d love to have a best friend who relates on being a fellow crazy and we can laugh at how badly we are done existing, in this life at least… So yeah, I loved listening to that podcasts, it’s called The First Draft on Sportify and Apple Music if anyone would like to check it out. So yeah, I’m glad I got to rope you in on the better parts of my time bored and just in case anyone wants to be my friend, my one requirement is that you’re a touch of crazy and maybe a tad bit depressed too, for the days we both need to hurdle together in our depression 😅.

BDSM ‘ing this shit with the Kink Test😋😉

So this will probably be among one of my favourite post cause I’m so excited to write about it and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read it for those who enjoy getting snippets of how my mind and a bit of my life is. A few minutes ago I just came across a kink test to evaluate how kinky a person is and me being me and super curious just had to try it out. For those who have previously read my blogs, I have been very open about my interest in BDSM and the kinkiness of it. I’m not fully fledged into it but I’m curious and willing to learn the ropes of how it all is and where my interest lie. For starters, if you wanna take the test , i will post the link on my status pages on twitter and on whatsapp. Its quite amazing to learn what exactly it is your interested in after answering the questions.

This 👆is how the test looks like when you first log in with the link. I was super giddy when it went through because I have scavaged the internet for stuff concerning BDSM and kinks but most times I never get something substantial and therefore I haven’t really ventured in it as much. Again in Kenya it’s not as common and if it is, I haven’t gotten the connections apart from the spread podcast that I listen to that is sex education based so it has all the stuff concerning sex and everything else that comes along with it. As I said before, sex is nothing to be embarrassed about. For me I am choosing not to be embarrassed but proud that am currently exploring what it is about my sex life that I want to venture in and BDSM is just one of those things..

So this ☝️was how the questions from the beginning at the top all the way to the bottom final questions were in the test. I didn’t take pictures of my answers cause I consider them personal but I will reveal the results at the end of the blog. The questions were quite interesting and amusing at the same time. Through them I was able to gauge what kind of kink am into and what exactly I can’t try out in BDSM. I do advice that if you are interested or at all feel that you might have a kink or you usually are curious to try out a bit of different stuff during sex, this is your test too. It won’t hurt to try it out. If you at all not interested 🙂, feel free to not be bothered. Having a kink is not a must. It’s optional and for those who have them, it doesn’t make them any different. Just cause I love to have a bit of fun while having sex doesn’t mean my morals are non existent. So this a free non judgemental space and I want or hope to set an example by showing that it’s okay to be sexually different in your wants and needs.

The above are archetypes of BDSM. The different natures in BDSM. They will make it easier to understand where you lie in having a kink. It will also make it easier to understand the results after your done with the test. And now for my results which I still haven’t read through 🤔…

And my results are actually quite good for me. I’m a complete experimentalist .I’m BDSM curious and my test results just proved it. It also shows am quite the naughty submissive 😝 under the archetype brat… I’ve always sorta guessed between being a dominant and a sub that I am definitely a sub. It’s no secret at this point that I love myself a good strong dom 🤤..for the rest of the other archetypes, feel free to question me about them. I’ll also do a little bit more research about them since its all about learning.This whole exercise just made my evening and I hope that y’all who will read this will feel free to share what their kinks are. ✌

Kinky’ing it up a bit 😉

Let me just start by saying am not exactly sure whether that title even makes sense but what the heck! It stays. Its been a while though not too long. I just realized that I probably have been the biggest bore for quite a while now with my depressing talk and never ending rants .I want to change that because I can proudly say I have been doing so much better now. I haven’t felt like a piece of shit in a while and for that am glad. Maybe it’s cause I have been preoccupied with trying to help others deal with their problems (am a counseling psychologist intern for those who might not be aware) that I forgot mine all together which is a good thing, right 🤔? Anyway, my depressive funk taking a break from me deserves a🥂and I did have one not so long ago. I say taking a break because it never completely leaves but enough of me trying to coax it back with my negative talk. Oh yeah, I recently had my second alcohol like ever. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but I am not a drinker, never gotten my head around why people take bitter drinks when there is soda and fruit punches that are a lot sweeter. Though recently, I seem to have gotten a bit curious on drinking and so I have had this urge to have a drinking spree where I get to have the whole drinking and getting hammered experience and waking up with a splitting headache. I know, pretty dumb but who the hell cares, we are living young, dum and free right 😅?(I think that’s the way that statement goes ,not sure😕?)

I never thought turning twenty would come with changes of any kind that would affect me but surprisingly, I feel completely different. I mean different in terms of the way I view things and certain aspects of myself. My physical aspects have been altered in terms of I feel fuller. I don’t know if its because I am a sexually active female or it’s probably just in my head. Though I like it. I am now more conscious of how fuller my breast feel, how my thighs fit my jeans better and how big my ass feels. I feel more aware of this factors about myself because before I would rather not have noticed them. Being the shy insecure female I am, I preferably never wore anything that would physically draw attention to me or my appendages. Now, I feel a bit riskier. Not that I want to flaunt my goods to everyone, I still rather not have attention drawn to me but I don’t mind if it’s the right attention. Previously any attention was unacceptable for me. I still am trying to get out of my shell when it comes to fully embracing my body but I like that this is a step am taking. It’s more private when I show I am aware of my body than in public but hopefully I can keep it up without cowering back to my shell of shyness. I also feel a change in terms of my intellectual state. It’s probably mostly because I am more aware of things happening around me and even in my field of work, I learn a lot from people and having interactions with them. It’s only been my third week as an intern but I have gained so much from it. I know my previous post was a rant of how uncertain and unready I was about being a counselor when I practically don’t have much content in the field enough to help clients but it’s different now. I am a novice and it’s normal that I panicked a little, okay maybe a lot and my expectations of myself were over the roof but I took the advice of my therapist to create my own style with clients and trust my gut. It’s been going well since then and I appreciate everyone who was concerned about my problem then. Now, I look at things a bit more keenly and am aware of how different people’s lives are and their views too in different aspects of life.

Now the most prominent change I have had since turning twenty Is my sexuality. Oh, it’s so damn exciting for me. I know to most, sexuality is a very brushed off and low key topic but I don’t feel like that’s the way I want it to be for me. Sex is a part of life, very prominent and distiguished .I have just mentioned that am a sexually active human being and I don’t exactly shy away from saying it. Its been very interesting for me cause I now know what I like and dislike when it comes to sex. I am still learning so much more and very eager to learn. For now, I already know that I have a fetish. I won’t go into detail about it because I mentioned it in a very early blog post when I started writing. I am still figuring out what exactly in my fetish appeals to me and what I want to try out. I think in the era am in, it’s no longer much of a secret to the world that sex is very broad in terms of how to explore it. People have different sexual preferences and it’s damn alright too.

I am currently doing my research in my fetish and learning more about it and getting information concerning what it completely entails. Hope that whoever reads this, if you have a sexual preference of whatever kind, go for it. I won’t pull up a line like life’s too short to do this or that, just go for whatever makes you happy and content, quit giving two shits about the length of life. I am taking it a day at a time and it’s working good for me.

I will try writing more often. Writing is always so exhilarating and just relieving for me. Anyway, I also am considering whether I would want to start a podcast. It’s more of a thought in my head at the moment and not completely a decision made. I think I would enjoy it pretty much and I wouldn’t have a filter because it’s my free space to speak my mind just like I write my mind.Cheer me on if you think it would be cool to start a podcast. ✌