It might be a bit late to be calling this an afternoon affair but I was committed to already not committing to anything, I just hadn’t realized I was going to write about it.
In my deep state of melancholy, as always, I was thinking of what I want for myself for the upcoming year that’s in a couple weeks and when I thought of it sincerely, I just wanted to tell it to someone and them somewhat see it as I was envisioning it in my head. Further in, I thought of how much everyone or life in its entirety seems to expect a commitment from me for the new year, that alongside my family and anyone else who seems entitled to some part of me. So with that thought, I just decided to as well convince myself that you know what, fuck everything else for a sec and just commit to nothing, at the very least for the rest of the afternoon.
My first noncommittal plan was to not necessarily care that I have about 10 bucks in my account which if I’m being honest about, probably had a commitment it would have been used for but instead, I’ve just had fries. Fries are good. I probably should have committed that cash to doing something better, like maybe trying to see my boyfriend before the week is done but again, I just need the non commitment right now… P.s I’m officially broke now so in case anyone needed anything from me in regards to money, I’m really sticking to the course of not committing.
My second non committal was not texting anyone, inclusive of the earlier mentioned boyfriend. Relationships I’m coming to learn are not always synchronized. Me choosing to not text him isn’t because there’s a problem with us or him, I just needed the time to myself to do the most cliché thing in my books which is just wallowing. Wallow and come up with stupid ideas like non committal afternoon. Sue me!! Not committing isn’t completely deciding that I won’t do the said act, it’s just me wavering in my decision on when I will want to text him, and everybody else I guess.
My third non committal and probably the last one that I thought of was not committing to wanting to die as well as not not wanting to die. Read that again. As the kind of coward I am, my default go to thought when I have no idea what is going on with my life is always death. Morbid, I know. I probably will never die when I think it’s appropriate to for me but it helps me know that death’s there regardless. So for my non committal afternoon, I wasn’t gonna commit to either dying or not dying so I guess I was just going to survive for the afternoon which as it seems I’ve done because it’s exactly 6.52 pm when I’m writing this.
Do I feel any different for not committing to anything this afternoon, no, the answer is not at all. I feel as stranded and overly committed to things and people and it’s petrifying. I’m still committed to living because here I am writing this, writing how much I’m still not sure I’m cut out for life and its commitments. Not sure where that leaves me … but you know the real take from all this, have fries 😄, even with a dollar or ten. Fries are the shit!!