I feel like I have to make this clear, I am not big on new year resolutions. I cannot recall a time in the past years where I have found myself creating resolutions at the beginning of any new year. I am still at the point at which the new year is a mere continuation of the last year, most especially during the transition from new years’ eve to the beginning of the first day of a new year.
This year though might probably be the first year I decide on having a resolution because why the hell not. With no substantial reason, I will have only one resolution for myself. I choose to have one merely because it is a start.
Being a plus size girl
For those who might not know this, I am a plus size girl. For the better part of being one, I have not always embraced it as a nature. It has always sort of felt like an inadequacy. It recently came to my attention that I actually no longer mind being plus size. I have to admit, it seems to bother those around me that I am a bigger girl than most. I wish I had the understanding of why, but genuinely, I would prefer they didn’t shove their opinions on my weight down my throat.
Accepting that I am big is one thing, being comfortable overall about it is still something I am working on. I try to derive inspiration from following other plus size women online and it does help in building the general confidence I need to eventually be okay fully as a plus size girl. It has taken me quite a lot of pep talks to myself to get me to wear a dress that compliments my body and it wasn’t until this weekend at a gathering where I was absolutely unconscious of the fact that I was in a dress while out in public. I was comfortable and that was all that seemed to matter which if I may, I would consider that a good start.
My new year resolution
My resolution for the year is to grow into my acceptance of my body while loving it as it is. This means taking better care of it, appreciating it, affirming it and everything else that feels good towards it. I want to wear dresses more and look stunning in them. I want to wear hugging jeans that show my curves just enough to still feel comfortable in them. I want to feel confident with my triple D sized cups and rolled up belly. All those parts of myself that were shunned before, I want to show them, love. They deserve to be loved and appreciated. Therefore that is my one resolution for the year.
I think as a plus size girl am bound to constantly have to remind myself that having a bit of flab on every curve of my body isn’t something I should be ashamed of .Reminding myself isn’t what’s hard, it’s believing it that can take quite a toll on me. Getting to the point where I don’t need to constantly remind myself that being fat shouldn’t override everything else about me isn’t a walk in the park. It shouldn’t be what feels like my main determining factor of what kind of person I am or whether I qualify for one thing or the other but sometimes it sure feels like it is.
I wasn’t meant to write about this but I guess it was long overdue anyway… I recently experienced a situation where I feel like my weight or my physical appearance became the reason I felt a very overwhelming sense of rejection. Sad to say, it honestly felt like shit. I went for it with everything I got but that one factor(my weight in this case) about myself overshadowed everything else about me that I’m proud of and that didn’t settle well with me…not my reserved laid back personality, not my very large but still existent sense of humor & not my cute adorable face was the reason behind the rejection, it was my weight.
Do I hate that despite the countless times I have pep-talked myself that am gorgeous even with my very flabby belly & stretch marks that grace my arms like tyre tracks ,I still feel insecure countlessly???Of course I hate it. Those moments when I wish I could suck my stomach in enough to have it completely if not remotely flat are not my greatest moments. The moments I tell myself that no possible cute/hot guy would want a girl with spilling curves are as many of the times I have come across those cute guys. Simply what I mean to say is that saying it countless times that I am beautiful and deserving of everything great in the world doesn’t always have to make believing it the easiest thing. I appreciate the moments when I feel gorgeous and beautiful in an outfit that brings out my curves because it’s in those moments when I’m able to feel confident not just about who I am as a person but also as an outstanding plus size girl. I hope to grow into those moments more and more each time and with each time slowly erase those moments when I feel unworthy of the beautiful things the world has to offer.
After that one situation of rejection, I needed to let it out to allow myself to remember that I wasn’t the problem. My physical appearance was not my fault and it never has to feel like its a fault to anyone and most especially to me. If I have to countlessly remind myself that I’m beautiful on the inside and out so it can stick in my mind not just as a saying but as a truth ,so be it…I hope to constantly have the strength to put off those waking hours when I feel unworthy even despite future rejections that may occur. I’m sure as hell better than believing them. ✊🏿