I’m different. Am sure we all consider ourselves so not because just because we want to feel special but because we are actually different. Being different for me is a lifestyle. I have to constantly try to maintain it and blend in even despite how different I am. I am different because I don’t conform to what people regard as normal. Am I happy to be this different, I don’t know .Does a part of me thrive in it, definitely so …..I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t.I don’t believe ultimate peace is something I have possibly ever felt. A part of me is always damned to feel turmoil and anxiety over one thing or another. I do wish though I had one ability. Something I recently pondered my mind over and now looks quite appealing to my me. Ever thought of how peaceful it is under water. How calm and silent it is and just how peaceful it can get. I wish I could breathe underwater and just sit still enough to shut out everything and anything. I’m certain enough that some of you that will read through this will probably think that I’m back to my depressive past and am not gonna justify whether it’s true or not… Think whatever appeals to you.Silence is peaceful and so is death. I wouldn’t want to die through water. I feel like its probably the worst way to die because you can’t fight it, you feel the life drain out with each breath of water as it fills your lungs. In water, I would hope to find contentment. I would hope to let my anxiety over everything go, to be still and not worry about. To completely rid myself of meager feelings and emotions that are more of burdens than a boost of my humanity. To put aside memories that do more damage than good. I wish breathing underwater would do that for me. That would be my ultimate peace.Being melancholic is hard. I feel everything thats meant to be dark. I revel in it even when it’s toxic. Walls so high up, they feel unpenetratable(not sure that’s a word.)I over think, I feel too much and I sure as hell damn care too much. Water would drown out all that for me. That’s why if I had one super power, it would be to breathe underwater 🌊.
I guess I was extremely used to sulking and my writing sorta felt the same too for a while now. Today is different. My emotions feel more pleasant and if I am not mistaken, I feel happy. It’s scary saying it, saying that I am happy because I feel like I might just jinx it. But yeah, I feel good inside. Curious to know why 🤔😏?
I don’t really know why I am more cheerful and pleasant. Or maybe I do but my fear that it’s just all a matter of time that it will be a mere memory and it will be gone. I am happy because I cared enough to forgive and it was worth it, I’m hoping it was worth it. I feel at peace and am cherishing it. He makes me smile and laugh, something I hadn’t done in a while. He hurt me too, but he brought back my peace. I am scared he will as easily break me just as he put me back in place. I guess its all a matter of taking the risk. I definitely am, putting my heart on the line.
I hope it last. I don’t know nor am I sure how long my happiness will go on but I wanna make it worth my while. I hope the fragility that I have slowly been put back in half will hold on long enough to become strong. ✌